


You're Worse Than Nicotine

by cowboycoups



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Beaches, Coming Out, Conflict, Crying, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Everyone Is Gay, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Roadtrip, Sickfic, i'm warning you it's dramatic as hell, seungjeongshua are having issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2020-09-18 21:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 55,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20319772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cowboycoups/pseuds/cowboycoups
Summary: “This is so stupid.” Jeonghan coughs a sarcastic laugh. “All of this. Us tiptoeing around each other and pretending we aren’t all suffering. It’s stupid. I’m miserable. I want to be out of his room and far away from both of you. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You both act like I’m going to snap and beat you up any second now. I wish I’d never kissed either of you.”orOne drunken night, Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua all kiss each other. Instead of working out their feelings, they avoid each other completely. Their friends decide to force them to make up by sticking them all in one hotel room on a beach trip.





	1. The Night That Ruined Their Lives

***Seungcheol's POV***

“No. There’s absolutely no way. You have to be kidding.” Seungcheol gapes, dumbfounded, at Seokmin. The younger man shakes his head sadly.

“No, I’m not kidding. They didn’t have any rooms left and Seungkwan has placed you with Jeonghan and Joshua.”

“Why?” Seungcheol literally sinks so low on the couch that he nearly slides off onto the floor like molasses. Dread is building in him quickly, filling his lungs with sand. Seokmin sighs and pats him on the leg.

“He says it’ll help the three of you make up with each other.” He replies.

“There’s nothing wrong.” Seungcheol states, crossing his arms.

“Seungcheol, you haven’t talked to each other in two months.” Jihoon deadpans from his place on the floor. His laptop is on the coffee table and he’s scanning something furiously, clicking every few seconds. The young producer is hard at work.

“We talk.” Seungcheol argues.

“Saying ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ is not talking to them.” Seokmin tells him gently.

***

Seungcheol has been avoiding his two former best friends, Jeonghan and Joshua, for months now. They’ve been doing the same to him and to each other.

It was immediately obvious to everyone around them. The three of them went from being attached at the hip, spending every waking moment together, to barely looking in each other’s direction. The first two weeks were spent trying to drag an explanation out of any of them, but after that, everyone gave up. Seungcheol could tell it was hurting all of them. Their precious, close friend group had been stirred up in a major way.

It was hurting him, too, to be honest. As much as he tried to convince himself he was fine without the other two, he still had nights where all he could do was curl up into a tiny ball and cry as silently as he could without tipping off his roommate, Mingyu.

It had happened one night when they were all at Jun and Minghao’s place. Seungcheol referred to it in his head as ‘The Night His Life Was Ruined Forever’. It was a typical Friday night. Seungcheol got off work, swung by Jeonghan and Seokmin’s apartment, then by Joshua, Seungkwan, and Hansol’s to get Jeonghan and Joshua. They would ride to Jun and Minghao’s in Seungcheol’s truck, stopping on the way to grab alcohol, and arrive in time for the pizza to get there.

The night would be spent playing Mario Party, drinking, and eating as much as they could. Fitting thirteen people into one cramped apartment was hard, but they managed.

Seungcheol had two too many shots. He knew his limit, but he was feeling extra stressed, so he welcomed the extra two that were offered. By the time he’d finished off the second extra, his head was swimming.

The fairy lights Jun had strung along the edges of the ceiling were dancing, swirling above him like shooting stars. Mario Kart looked extra fun and was suddenly way harder to win.

Jeonghan and Joshua looked equally as smashed. Jeonghan had mentioned a rough week at his photography job and Joshua just wanted to drink more because everyone else was.

It was no surprise to him when Jeonghan and Joshua followed him out onto the balcony when he went out to smoke. He only smoked about once a day, less if he could manage it. Jeonghan and Joshua had been trying to talk him out of it for years now.

Jeonghan was always handsy, but he was worse when he was drunk. He pressed himself into Seungcheol’s back like an octopus, arms around his stomach. He hooked his chin over Seungcheol’s shoulder, practically purring. He smelled like mango vodka and the peach shampoo he always washed his long, gorgeous hair with. Seungcheol welcomed the warmth against him, content. Joshua was at his side, staring out over the city with a dazed grin on his kitten-ish mouth.

Looking at both of them, Seungcheol’s heart began inflating like a balloon. God, they were both so gorgeous. They always had been. They’d known each other since middle school, and even before they went through puberty, they’d been cute. And now that they were grown up, Seungcheol couldn’t take his eyes off either of them, no matter how much he wanted to.

It ate at him constantly. The way he couldn’t help staring openly at Jeonghan anytime the boy was around. The way butterflies exploded in his gut when Joshua smiled at him. It wasn’t natural.

“You guys are both really pretty.” Seungcheol blurted, the liquor forcing words from him.

“Aw, thanks. You’re pretty too, Cheollie.” Jeonghan swayed them both side to side, voice oozing with alcohol. Why did he sound like… sex?

“Yeah, but you’re like… really, really pretty.” Seungcheol slurred, taking a drag off his cigarette. A frown came to his face. They were both pretty. Too pretty for Seungcheol.

“What’s wrong?” Joshua noticed his demeanor change, even in this state. His kitten smile faded.

“My brain is all… gunky.” Seungcheol sighed.

“Gunky.” Jeonghan repeated, giggling. The vibration of his chest against Seungcheol’s back sent chills all over Seungcheol’s body.

“What are you thinking about?” Joshua asked, stepping closer to study Seungcheol’s face. Seungcheol stubbed out the end of his cigarette on the railing and blew out one last puff of smoke. He could feel liquid courage warming his bones. His brain urged him to talk. Say what he was feeling.

_They won’t remember in the morning, silly!_

“I wanna kiss you.” Seungcheol said into the cool night air. He looked at Joshua’s lips, full and adorable and… perfect. The number of times he’d thought about pressing his lips to Joshua’s was obscene. It was wrong. And yet…

“Huh?” Joshua blinked, clearly trying to make sense of this. Seungcheol immediately wished he could take it back. Suck the statement back into his mouth and swallow it.

“I wanna kiss Jeonghannie, too.” He said instead, letting the second confession tumble from his lips. Jeonghan slid from his back slowly, coming to stand beside Joshua. They were both staring at him, confused, but not angry.

“Why?” Jeonghan asked. Seungcheol shrugged.

“You’re pretty.” Was all he could manage. Romantic.

Joshua looked at Seungcheol for a moment longer before he turned to look at Jeonghan, blinking a few times before his eyes went to Jeonghan’s mouth. His lucious, pink mouth.

“Oh… I wanna kiss Jeonghan too.” His shoulders dropped, almost defeated. He looked back at Seungcheol. His eyes went to Seungcheol’s own lips. “...and I wanna kiss you, Cheollie.”

“I always wanna kiss Seungcheol. And you.” Jeonghan said, looking between them. “But my dad always says it’s wrong to kiss boys.” He deflated then, a little bit of light draining from his eyes. Joshua made a sad noise.

“Yeah… my dad says it’s bad too.” He agreed. Hurt laced his face and it made Seungcheol’s stomach ache. His own parents had never outright said it, but he had the feeling they weren’t into gay people either. The thought made him want to cry.

“We should just kiss. Nobody will know.” Seungcheol stated. Jeonghan and Joshua seemed to think about it for a second.

“Yeah. We should.” Joshua said suddenly, blinking in realization.

“Our dads aren’t here.” Jeonghan added, shrugging.

Seungcheol’s excitement rose. He was going to kiss his best friends. On the mouth. After dreaming about it for years. This was the best night of his life.

“Who should go first?” Joshua asked, looking between them.

“You two should kiss first.” Seungcheol decided, pointing. Jeonghan grinned and turned slightly toward Joshua. Joshua reciprocated the smile and the two of them seemed to glide into each other's arms. There was a moment of hesitation while they lovingly looked each other in the eye for just a brief second before their lips met softly. Jeonghan’s eyes fluttered closed, followed by Joshua’s. Seungcheol felt some kind of content puzzle piece slide into place in his chest, seeing them kiss.

It was over too soon, and then Jeonghan was turning to Seungcheol.

“Kiss me, Cheol.” He laughed breathily. His face was beet red, but he looked so happy that Seungcheol wanted to grab him and spin him around. He settled for pulling Jeonghan in by the waist. His heart sped up to eight times its normal rhythm as he realized how close the two of them were. He could see the soft bags under Jeonghan’s eyes. The smile creases beside them. He’d been waiting his whole life for this.

He took a deep breath and leaned in. Their lips pressed together like they were made for each other.

There were no fireworks. Instead, there were symphonies of color. The blooming of golden flowers. Pinks and purples in the sky at sunset. The glittering blue of the ocean. Jeonghan was a warm summer day. He was laughter. He was pure joy. He was the feeling of riding a roller coaster, pure exhilaration.

Seungcheol almost wanted to chase his lips as he pulled away. Jeonghan’s eyes met his once again, and the happiness he saw there made him want to pull Jeonghan in for another kiss.

But then Joshua was beside him, holding his hand. Gazing at him with pure adoration. A gentle smile tugged at his mouth. Seungcheol took another deep breath, cupping Joshua’s cheek in his hand, and kissed him.

Again, no fireworks. Seungcheol felt at ease. Right with the world. The weight of a freshly washed blanket. Waves crashing against the shore at night. Lullabies and soft, lingering touches. Joshua was a cool autumn night spent by the fire. He was comfort. He was calm. He was the feeling of peace and serenity.

He was equally as amazing as Jeonghan.

And Seungcheol knew at that moment that he loved them both with every fiber of his being.

This thought made him feel simultaneously overjoyed and completely terrified. As they pulled away from each other, he couldn’t help wanting Joshua’s lips back. He wanted that comfort again.

And then, reality set in.

The two of them seemed to recognize the terror in his eyes immediately.

“What’s wrong?” Jeonghan asked, holding his other hand.

“What… what did we just do?” Seungcheol breathed. He had to struggle to swallow the lump in his throat.

Jeonghan and Joshua were still for a second before seeming to come to terms with what had just gone down.

All three of them had just kissed each other.

At that moment, Seungcheol had never felt more sober in his life. Unconsciously, he took a step back, letting go of both of them. Joshua did the same, backing toward the railing. Jeonghan hugged himself.

“My dad… my dad’s going to kill me if he finds out.” Joshua’s voice was shaking.

“Why did we do that?” Jeonghan stared blankly out into the city lights.

The sliding door to the balcony opened and Minghao peeked out at them.

“Hey. Whatcha guys doing out here?” He asked, cheerful.

“I have to go.” Seungcheol was moving suddenly. He couldn’t stay. He couldn’t look at either of them.

“Huh? But you’ve only been here a few hours.” Minghao called as Seungcheol rushed toward the living room.

“I need to get out of here.” Seungcheol was starting to panic. He scrambled to find his keys and his wallet.

“Uh, no. You’re not driving.” Jihoon’s deft fingers were snatching his keys. Seungcheol’s heart sank and he reached after them.

“Jihoon, I need to leave.” He was sounding desperate now. Blood was roaring in his ears.

“Seungcheol, what’s going on? Are you okay?” Mingyu was beside him without warning, eyes very worried.

“I want to go home. We have to go home.” He begged. His eyes were starting to water and he knew he was going to cry any second now. He wanted out. He wanted to be at home, in his bed, where he could process what the hell he’d just done in the privacy of his room.

“Okay, okay, hold on. I haven’t had anything to drink. I can drive us home. Let me find my jacket.” God bless Mingyu for being such a saint. Having lived with Seungcheol for a few years, he knew when the older boy was being serious.

“Are you leaving?” Minghao asked, re-entering the room.

“I don’t know what’s wrong, but Seungcheol’s not feeling great.” Mingyu responded, gathering his things.

“Aw, okay,” Minghao sounded disappointed, but Seungcheol knew he would understand. “Are you gonna say bye to Jeonghan and Josh?”

“No.” Seungcheol couldn’t take it anymore. He was turning on his heel and bolting from the apartment, leaving the door swinging behind himself.

Mingyu found him in the bed of the truck a few minutes later, where he’d curled himself into the corner near the window and was struggling not to completely break down.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

Mingyu tried to ask him what was wrong all the way back to their own apartment, but Seungcheol couldn’t talk. Nobody could know about what had happened between the three of them. He would take it to his grave if he had to. When they arrived at the apartment, Seungcheol locked himself in his room, threw himself face-down in bed, and began to cry.

After that, the three of them avoided each other like the plague. None of them could talk about it. Seungcheol certainly couldn’t. He didn’t know what he’d say. He obviously wasn’t going to admit that he was in love with both his best friends. He supposed they were both embarrassed that they’d indulged in his drunken fantasties and couldn’t handle being around him anymore. He couldn’t blame them.

And so, years and years of friendship seemed to come to a screeching halt. He’d spent two months feeling sick when he saw them. Wanting to cry when either of them looked in his direction. Avoiding questions about what had happened.

And now they were being forced into a hotel room at the beach with each other.

***

“Earth to Space Cadet Seungcheol.” Seokmin waves a hand in front of his face. Seungcheol falls out of his trance, suddenly aware that Seokmin has been trying to get his attention. There’s also an extra body in the room. Mingyu is home from work.

“I take it Seokmin told you the news.” He says upon seeing Seungcheol’s face.

“I get it. You’re all conspiring against me.” Seungcheol says feebly.

“Cheol.” Mingyu sighs. He drops his bag and comes to sit on the coffee table in front of the two of them.

“I don’t understand.” Seungcheol frowns.

“Let’s put it this way. I know something’s wrong, because a few months ago, you would have literally been fist fighting everyone to make sure you got to room with Jeonghan and Joshua.” He settles his elbows on his knees and clasps his hands.

Seungcheol has nothing to say in reply.

“Can’t you just tell us what happened? I’m sure whatever it was, we can help you resolve it. Did you have a fight? You were only out there for a few minutes that night. Unless you’d been fighting all day and we didn’t notice.” Seokmin babbles, holding onto his arm.

“No, we didn’t fight.” Seungcheol rubs at his face with his palm.

“Then what was it? Did you… wait.” Jihoon slams his laptop closed. “Did one of you kiss each other?”

The silence that follows is deafening. Seungcheol’s mouth opens. It closes. It opens again.

“No.” He finally says in a small voice.

“Holy shit. Who kissed who?” Mingyu gapes.

“No, it wasn’t like that. Nothing happened.” Seungcheol springs up off the couch and walks into the kitchen. He takes a glass from the cabinet, fills it, and starts chugging ice water.

“Did Jeonghan and Joshua kiss? Is that why you’re upset?” Seokmin follows him in, crossing his arms.

“Why would I be upset?” Seungcheol finds himself asking.

“Cheol. It’s kind of obvious you’re enamored with them both.” Jihoon rolls his eyes and joins them in the kitchen. Mingyu isn’t far behind.

“I’m not. Wait, do I act that way? Is it obvious?” He slams his glass on the countertop so hard that water sloshes out the top. Mingyu raises his eyebrows. Seungcheol slumps in defeat and lets his face fall into his hands.

“So was that it, then? They kissed each other?” Jihoon asks.

“No.” Seungcheol mumbles into his hands.

“You kissed Jeonghan?” Mingyu guesses.

“You kissed Josh?” Seokmin pulls himself to sit on the countertop.

“No.” Seungcheol pushes his hair out of his face. The three of them look between each other, communicating silently. Then Mingyu gasps, sending Seungcheol jumping half a foot in the air.

“All three of you kissed each other.”

Seungcheol just looks at him.

“Oh. My. God! All three of you kissed each other!” Seokmin screams. Seungcheol slaps a hand over his mouth.

“Minnie. Please.” He begs. Jihoon and Chan’s apartment is directly on the other side of the wall, and if Chan hears, there will be yet another person to try to explain himself too. When nothing happens for a few seconds, he lets his hand slide from Seokmin’s mouth.

And then the door slams open and not only Chan, but Minghao slide inside.

“You kissed Jeonghan and Joshua?” Minghao shouts incredulously. Seungcheol gives Seokmin a piercing glare and is met with a sheepish smile.

“I never said that I did.” He mutters.

“If you didn’t all kiss each other, then tell us what actually happened.” Chan demands, crossing his arms.

Seungcheol just takes another sip of his water.

“That’s what I thought.” Chan huffs.

“How the hell? What happened?” Minghao questions. Seungcheol pours the rest of his water down the drain and slinks off to the living room. They flock like geese toward him, settling on the floor and the couch to see what he says.

“I had two shots more than usual.” Seungcheol begins. His heart is starting to pound.

“I told you to stop.” Mingyu leans back against the couch dramatically.

“In my defense, both of them were drinking more too. Anyway, we just went out on the balcony and… I don’t know. It just happened. I wanted to kiss both of them and they wanted to kiss each other. So we did.” Seungcheol almost wants to cry saying it out loud. All five boys stare at him in disbelief.

“And you can’t just… talk about it?” Jihoon asks. Seungcheol curls into a little ball against the arm of the couch.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Mingyu pouts.

“I just… can’t.” Seungcheol picks at a thread on his pants.

“Cheol… do you love them? Both of them?” Seokmin inches closer.

Seungcheol’s heart does a nosedive through his stomach, out of the bottom of his spine, through the couch, and down, down, down until it hits the middle of the earth. Time seems to slow way down. He blinks slowly.

“I’m… I don’t know.” He says in a near whisper.

“We’ve never really talked about this. You never came out. Do you think you’re gay?” Jihoon, who is generally disinterested in anything, is sitting on the coffee table, watching him with worried eyes.

Is he? He thinks he might be. He never gets the urge to even think about women. He has no interest in finding a girlfriend. Nobody has ever made him feel the way Jeonghan and Joshua do.

"I don't know. I think so.” Seungcheol’s throat is burning. Jesus, not now. He can’t cry. He lifts a trembling hand to fiddle with the zipper on his hoodie. He can’t look anyone in the eye.

“Alright. Well… you know we all love you, right?” Jihoon’s voice gets uncharacteristically quiet and gentle. All Seungcheol can do is nod slowly.

“Oh… oh geez, Jeonghan and Joshua’s parents are painfully homophobic.” Seokmin sounds distraught.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t think they feel that way about me anyway.” Seungcheol says through his tightening windpipe.

“Why would you think that?” Mingyu asks.

“I mean… look at both of them. They’re like… greek gods. Jeonghan is the prettiest photographer on this side of the planet. Joshua is the most gorgeous author, period. I’m just some janky guy who edits books and spends lots of time alone. Besides, even if I did… like them, and they… liked me back… that’s three people. That’s… that’s not something people generally accept.” Seungcheol’s voice is starting to shake along with his hands. “We were just drunk. It was nothing.”

“Then maybe you should talk to them. Find out how they feel. It can’t be healthy to torture yourself like this.” Seokmin pats him on the arm.

“I can’t, Min. I can’t do that.” Seungcheol hugs his knees.

“Don’t you miss them? You three used to be the closest of any of us. And Minghao and I are dating.” Mingyu is frowning deeply.

“Of course I miss them.” Oh, god, his eyes are starting to burn now.

“Maybe you could at least try. Maybe you don’t even have to talk it through. You could just try to go back to normal with them.” Chan suggests.

“I don’t know if we can.” Seungcheol blinks frantically in an attempt to keep it together.

“Cheol… I can’t believe you’ve been dealing with this by yourself for so long. Why didn’t you tell us?” Mingyu cooes.

A sob builds in his throat faster than he can stop it and all he can do is press his face into his knees before the tears are spilling. He tries to swallow the sob and his chest heaves. Someone pulls his hands away from his knees and forces his feet back to the ground. A small body climbs into his lap and arms curl around his neck. He presses his face into their shoulder.

“Um… hey… is this a bad time?” A new voice says from the door. Seungcheol completely freezes. Just the sound of Jeonghan’s voice makes every hair on his body stand on end and a shiver runs down his back.

“Hey, Han. What’s up?” Mingyu tries to sound nonchalant.

“I was just looking for Minnie. Thought we might head to the grocery store.” Jeonghan explains.

“Oh, I forgot it was Thursday. I’m coming.” Seokmin rises from the couch. He bends back down for a second, next to Seungcheol’s ear. “I’m going to call you later, okay? Think about what we were talking about.” He presses a kiss to the top of Seungcheol’s head and then he’s gone, talking loudly all the way down the hallway.

“Do I still have to room with them?” Seungcheol asks shakily.

“Yep.” Jihoon responds from his lap.

“But why?” Seungcheol whines.

“Because I think it’ll be good for you. You’ll be around each other, at least at night. Maybe you can talk it out. Or just get used to being around each other again.” Jihoon pats him on the back of the head and then pulls away to look at his face. Seungcheol squeezes his eyes closed.

“It’s gonna be alright.” Mingyu squeezes him on the shoulder.

“God, I hope so.”


	2. One Bed

***Seungcheol's POV***

The next two days are spent packing. They’re leaving Sunday morning and he’s waited until the last second to get everything together.

“Here are your swim trunks.” Mingyu says, tossing the said trunks on Seungcheol’s bed.

“Thanks, Pup.” Seungcheol smiles and scoops them up to squish them in his suitcase.

“We’re headed out early in the morning,” Mingyu flops down on his unmade bed. “How are you feeling?”

Seungcheol has spent the past few days dreading what’s about to come. He can’t imagine what it will be like to have to dance around them, showering and sleeping and hanging out in their room. It doesn’t help that the torture is starting early - they’re picking Seokmin and Jeonghan up so they can ride down in his truck with himself, Mingyu, and Minghao.

“I’m just anxious.” Seungcheol zips his suitcase, struggling slightly.

“Yeah. Well, listen, if it gets bad enough, you know you can come visit Minghao and I. Just… you know… text first.” Mingyu flushes bright pink.

“Yeah, I know. You’ll be fucking like rabbits.” Seungcheol rolls his eyes. Mingyu flushes even darker.

“It’s our first vacation together since we started dating.” Mingyu tries to defend.

“Yeah, I know. I don’t blame you.” Seungcheol starts packing his toiletries bag. “Listen, I know we talked about this before, but if you ever want to move in with him, I understand. You’ve been dating for almost two years now.”

“I know. I just don’t want to leave you by yourself.” Mingyu has unzipped his suitcase and is reorganizing the contents. He does this when he’s stressed - cleans, organizes, bakes, just generally mothers people.

“You wouldn’t be abandoning me. We’re growing up, Gyu. You’re going to want to move in with him someday. I can’t see you breaking up. Besides, maybe Jun and I could move in together.” Sure, Seungcheol isn’t thrilled at the thought of having to give up his roommate. He and Mingyu have been living together since they graduated high school. He nearly moved in with Jeonghan and Joshua, but at the last minute, they decided they probably shouldn’t. Jeonghan’s parents didn’t like Seungcheol. They never had, even when they were kids. They seemed to think he was a troublemaker. Joshua and Jeonghan didn’t think it was fair to move in together without Seungcheol, so they just decided to move in with other parts of their friend group and move in together later.

“I guess it’s something to think about eventually.” Mingyu finishes folding Seungcheol shirts up nearly and zips his suitcase back. He doesn’t have to struggle with it.

***

Seungcheol has issues sleeping that night. His mind is running drills of all the worst-case scenarios. Jeonghan and Joshua being painfully awkward. Jeonghan and Joshua trying to talk to him about that night. The two of them being mad at him. He tosses and turns for hours. No amount of soothing cello music or YouTube can lull him to sleep. At three in the morning, he wants to scream. He has to be up at six to get ready and head out.

He finally shuts everything off, curls up on his side, covers his entire head with a pillow, and starts literally counting backward from a hundred in his head. He gets down to twenty before he finally drifts off into an uneasy sleep.

Morning comes too soon. Mingyu is bustling into his room at six sharp, already showered and dressed. He’s babbling about how they’ll grab breakfast on the road. He has to force Seungcheol out of bed and into the shower.

Seungcheol falls asleep twice in the shower before he finally finishes washing and stumbles out. He takes his time getting ready, brushing his teeth and his hair and pulling on a comfy pair of joggers and a hoodie. When he finally shuffles into the living room, Mingyu has gathered their suitcases in the entrance and is running around turning all their lights off. They’ll be gone for an entire two weeks, so they’ve hired someone to come by and water their plants a few times.

“Ready?” Mingyu asks, clearly excited. His eyes are bright for so early in the morning.

“As I’ll ever be.” Seungcheol mutters. He gathers his wallet and keys and grabs his own suitcase. Mingyu follows him out the door and locks it behind them. Chan and Jihoon are emerging at the same moment. Jihoon is pretty much still asleep and Chan is in the same position as Mingyu, excited and far too awake. They’re riding with Joshua and Jun in Jun’s car. This leaves Seungkwan, Hansol, Soonyoung, and Wonwoo in the last car.

They all ride down in the elevator. Jun and Minghao have already arrived and Minghao is standing patiently beside Seungcheol’s truck, looking very sleepy. His suitcase is already in the bed. Seungcheol flings his own suitcase in beside it and Mingyu follows suit. He and Minghao climb into the backseat together, where Minghao sidles up against him and promptly falls asleep. Seungcheol gets in and rolls his window down so he can talk to Jun.

“I’ve got to swing by and grab Jeonghan and Seokmin and then we’ll be on the road. I guess we’ll see you down there?” Seungcheol calls. Jun salutes him.

“Drive safe.” He calls back.

As they pull up in front of Seokmin and Jeonghan’s building a few minutes later, Seungcheol feels his stomach plummet. Jeonghan is standing on the sidewalk clad in sweatpants and a hoodie. His eyes are basically closed. Seungcheol knows Seokmin had to make real effort to get him up this early. He has a small flashback of having sleepovers and waking in the morning to find a sleepy Jeonghan pressed against his side, smelling of peach shampoo and sleep and… Jeonghan.

Seokmin and Jeonghan put their suitcases in the back. They seem to be having a discussion for a moment, and then, much to Seungcheol’s horror, Jeonghan comes around to the passenger side and climbs in. He blinks sleepily.

“Good morning.” He rumbles, more to the whole car rather than Seungcheol himself.

“Good morning.” Seungcheol manages to reply as Seokmin gets in the back on the other side of Minghao. Seungcheol shoots him a glare in the rear-view mirror. Seokmin just gives a smile in return.

And so, they hit the road. Seungcheol puts his usual playlist on low. Minghao is fast asleep in the back and Jeonghan is asleep against the passenger side window, fogging up a small patch of the glass every time he breathes out. Seokmin and Mingyu are talking quietly about the plans they’ve already made for when they arrive.

Seungcheol can’t relax. Jeonghan is sitting an arm’s length away from him, soft and warm and half of what Seungcheol has been missing for two months.

It’s going to be a long six hours.

***

Two hours in, Jeonghan wakes up from his nap. It seems to take him a moment to realize where he is, but when he does, it immediately feels awkward.

“So uh… breakfast?” Seungcheol breaks the silence. Mingyu lets out a deafening agreement in the backseat, waking Minghao from his own nap. He gets a half-hearted smack on the chest and a pout in return.

“I could go for food.” Jeonghan says, staring out the window.

They exit and find the nearest McDonalds. Seungcheol takes the requests. When he gets to Jeonghan, he can’t help tripping on his own words as he spouts out Jeonghan’s usual breakfast order. The boy has gotten the same thing every time they go. A sausage biscuit with an extra order of hashbrowns and an iced coffee. Jeonghan blinks in surprise as Seungcheol asks if that’s still what he gets.

“Oh… yeah. Thanks.” He finally manages, meeting Seungcheol’s eyes for only a second before he returns his gaze out the window. Seungcheol orders the food, heart still beating way too fast for it to be healthy.

They sit in the parking lot for a second while Seungcheol sucks down his own egg and cheese biscuit. He’s terrible at eating and driving at the same time. Half his breakfast usually ends up on the floor of the car, along with all his hopes and dreams.

“Four more hours and then we’ll be on the beach.” Seokmin sighs dreamily.

“How do you eat so fast?” Minghao asks in amazement as Seungcheol tosses his wrapper over his shoulder and pulls out of the parking lot. Seungcheol shrugs. He’s just a bottomless pit. He can put food away faster than anyone he knows.

The next hour of the road trip is completely silent. Jeonghan is on his phone, Minghao has gone back to napping against Mingyu’s shoulder, Mingyu is also on his phone, and Seokmin seems to be watching a movie.

“Oh!” Seokmin exclaims as they reach the next hour. He pops an earbud out. “Jeonghan, we forgot to pack your EpiPen!” He’s panicked, voice rising in pitch. Jeonghan is extremely allergic to all tree nuts. So much so that Seungcheol used to research restaurants ahead of time to make sure they didn’t serve anything with tree nuts in it.

“Shit.” Jeonghan blanches a little. Without his EpiPen, if he goes into anaphylaxis, it could be fatal depending on how far they are from a hospital. Just as he and Seokmin start to freak out about what to do, Seungcheol clears his throat. They both look at him. Without saying another word, he leans over in front of Jeonghan and pops the glovebox. Inside is a perfect, unused EpiPen.

“Oh. What?” Seokmin asks, tilting his head.

“I kept one of your backups in the car. Just in case we went out somewhere and you forgot yours.” Seungcheol explains slowly. His face is burning.

“Oh… right…” Jeonghan closes the glovebox. “Well thanks.” He adds.

“Yep.” Seungcheol hums. In the backseat, he sees Mingyu and Seokmin exchange a pointed look.

***

The next couple of hours are uneventful. They stop once to let a sleepy Minghao pee, and by the time they’re about twenty minutes away, Seokmin is chomping at the bit to get out of the car. At this point, Seungcheol has relaxed. Jeonghan hasn’t tried to talk to him again. In fact, he hasn’t said much at all except to ask Seokmin a question.

They finally pull up in front of the hotel. They can just barely see the ocean as they pass by buildings, but when they climb out, Seungcheol stands up straight and he can see the water glittering in the distance. He can’t help but smile. They’re here. They’re finally on vacation and the weather is gorgeous.

They go to the trunk and Seungcheol starts pulling out suitcases and handing them off. His hand brushes Jeonghan’s as he hands over the man’s obnoxiously pink suitcase and he tries not to blush too hard.

They start for the hotel. Seungcheol tells them about the reservation and learns that Joshua has already arrived and collected all their keys. Minghao and Mingyu check in after them and Seokmin stands patiently waiting. Since there’s no real excuse to wait around, Seungcheol begrudgingly starts toward the elevator with Jeonghan right behind him. They get on and hit the button for their floor. The ride up is done in complete silence. They walk down the long hallway to their room and Seungcheol tentatively knocks on the door.

Joshua answers, eyes flashing in slight fear before he manages a small ‘hi’ and lets them in. Seungcheol enters and lays eyes on their room for the first time. The air wheezes from his lungs almost comically.

He was hoping for two twin beds and a sleeper sofa. At least. Instead, he’s met with the sight of one big king bed and a small couch, that from what he can tell, is not a sleeper sofa but just a small, decorative couch that probably feels like concrete.

“Oh.” Is all Seungcheol can say.

“I guess… um…” Joshua is knitting his hands together like he always does when he’s anxious, and the tips of his ears are red. “I guess two of us could take the bed and one of us could take the couch. I can take the couch if you want.”

“No, it’s okay. I can take the couch.” Seungcheol offers, already striding toward it.

“You don’t have to do that.” Jeonghan says.

“It’s fine. I can handle it.” Seungcheol gives another tight smile and deposits himself on the couch. As expected, it’s harder than a rock. His back is going to kill him.

“Seungcheol, you have a bad back.” Jeonghan points out, crossing his arms. The smile drops from Seungcheol’s face. Jeonghan remembers.

“Really, I can handle it -”

“I’ll take the sofa. I can sleep anywhere. You and Han - er, Jeonghan - can take the bed.” Joshua motions toward the plush bed.

“Are you sure?” Seungcheol asks. Joshua nods. Hesitatingly, Seungcheol rises from the couch and transfers to sit on the edge of the bed. Jeonghan wheels his suitcase to the closet, where he starts hanging up some of his clothes. Joshua retreats to the bathroom. Seungcheol can see part of his face in the mirror. He’s just standing there, messing with his hair just so he has an excuse to be out of the main part of the room.

What kills him is that before, this would have been no problem. They used to squish into beds this size and smaller together, snuggled up like puppies. Jeonghan was always in the middle. They would lie tangled in each other's legs and watch movies until they fell asleep.

A knock sounds on the door. Seungcheol praises god that there’s a small distraction. Joshua answers and lets in a tentative-looking Wonwoo, who looks at each of them in turn like he was expecting someone to be dead.

“Hey. I wanted to come to check on you guys. I haven’t gotten to catch up with you guys in a couple of days.”

“Baby Nonu!” Jeonghan dashes across the room, pulling Wonwoo into a bone-crushing hug. Wonwoo grins, hugging the long-haired boy back. Seungcheol’s heart twists. He always loved Jeonghan’s hugs. Tight, warm, genuine. You couldn’t help but hug him back and just keep holding on. It was the same with Joshua.

“How’s work been treating you?” Seungcheol asks, kicking his shoes off.

“Not too bad, I guess.” Wonwoo is a receptionist in the emergency room at a hospital. He works twelve hour shifts, luckily during the day. Six in the morning to six at night. He only does it four days a week, but it still leaves him stressed and tired.

“See any fuckery this week?” Joshua wonders for all of them, getting his turn for a hug. The way Wonwoo hooks his chin over Joshua’s shoulder makes Seungcheol frown in envy.

“Someone came in with a tampon stuck in their gauges.” Wonwoo sighs. Jeonghan makes an alarmed squawking noise. “Her boyfriend shoved it in and she couldn’t get it out no matter how hard she tried.”

“Jesus. People are weird.” Joshua murmurs.

“Yep. Oh, also, Soonyoung wants to go down to the beach if you guys want to come with us.” Wonwoo offers. Right. The beach. As a second thought, Seungcheol gets up and walks out to the balcony. Sure enough, they have a gorgeous view of the water.

Wonwoo stays and chats while they all get changed. He must sense the silent tension in the room. He doesn’t know about the kisses (Seungcheol made everyone swear on their lives that they would tell no one else), but Wonwoo seems to be able to pick up on other people's’ emotions. Seungcheol thanks him with a silent look and gets a nod in return.

As he steps out in swim trunks and nothing else, Wonwoo whistles.

“Someone’s been hitting the gym.” He eyes Seungcheol’s abs. Seungcheol can’t help but blush a little and try to cover his naked torso with his t-shirt. He has to admit he has been spending more time at the gym lately. He wanted to look nice for the beach. His eyes flit over to Joshua and is a little surprised to find him staring at Seungcheol’s abs. Jeonghan appears to be doing the same. They both look away when they realize he sees them.

They gather all their beach things and swing by to get Soonyoung on their way down. As soon as his feet hit the sand, Seungcheol takes off running toward the water. He drops his things a few feet from the water and keeps running until he’s in the waves, the tide lapping at his ankles. Soonyoung is right behind him, jumping onto his back with a battle cry. Seungcheol spins them around a few times before he dumps Soonyoung into slightly deeper water, laughing at the scream he lets out.

“Me! Me! My turn!” Mingyu appears, throwing himself onto Seungcheol’s back. Seungcheol obeys his wishes, spinning them until they’re dizzy and throwing Mingyu into the waves. He splutters as he comes up, laughing with giddiness.

Minghao is squatting near them, looking for shells with Chan. They’re competing to see who can find the prettiest one. 

Wonwoo and Jihoon are up under a beach umbrella. Wonwoo has a book cracked open and Jihoon is just lying next to him, watching everyone play.

“How was the drive?” Jun clings to Seungcheol’s arm as a wave threatens to make him lose his balance. Seungcheol loops an arm around his waist. Jun looks gorgeous. His hair is scraped back in a baseball cap and he seems to have also been working on his body. Jun is gorgeous enough, tall and chiseled and model-like, but Seungcheol can tell he’s got some extra definition in his torso. Seungcheol leans in. He smells like coconut-scented sunscreen and saltwater.

“It wasn’t that bad.” He admits. Jun presses a kiss to his cheek.

“You need sunscreen. You’ll be a lobster by tonight.” Seungcheol allows Jun to drag him back up to where Wonwoo and Jihoon are sitting and stays still while Jun rubs sunscreen into his skin. Now they smell the same. When he’s finished, he pats Seungcheol to let him know he can run back to the water, but Seungcheol sinks back against his chest. Jun just giggles, wrapping his arms around Seungcheol’s chest and cuddling him despite how hot it is.

“We got food!” Seungkwan comes jogging down the beach with three whole grocery bags of food. He’s gotten a bunch of pre-made sandwiches, snacks, and drinks. Everyone flocks to the umbrellas, crowding around to get to the food.

It’s like locusts have descended. The food disappears quickly and soon they’re all lounging in a big puddle, full and warm. Seungcheol eyes Jeonghan as he rests his head on Mingyu’s gorgeous, greek-god-level abs. Joshua is talking quietly with Seokmin, stroking the younger boy’s hair.

Soonyoung is the first one back out into the water. He drags Seungcheol along with him. They hit a volleyball back and forth for a while. Chan goes back to his shell hunt, running back up the sand to show Minghao his finds like he’s a little kid.

***

They stay for probably close to six hours. By that point, Seungcheol definitely has a little bit of a sunburn on his cheeks. Soonyoung is a different story. He’s red all over. Wonwoo has warned him about twenty times that he needed to reapply, but he would hear nothing of it. As they’re gathering their stuff to leave, he whines at how hot and icky he feels.

Seungcheol feels all his energy and happiness leak from his body as he steps into his hotel room. Jeonghan and Joshua are already back. Joshua is standing out on their balcony, and from the sounds of it, Jeonghan is in the shower. Seungcheol chooses to wrap his towel around his shoulders and walk to the balcony as well, trying to put as much space between them as he can.

“So… I actually had something to ask you.” Joshua’s voice is barely audible over the sound of the waves. Seungcheol forces himself to look at the smaller boy. He’s staring out at the water, worrying his bottom lip in his teeth. Seungcheol’s hands start to sweat.

“Yeah?”

“I’m writing a new book. I’m almost done with it. But my editor just quit. She’s pregnant and she’s due in a month, so she decided to stop editing for a while. I’m basically screwed…” Joshua starts rubbing the back of his neck. Seungcheol wants to grab his hand to make him stop, like he used to in the old days. “But I know you said you were looking for more clients… and I was wondering if I could talk you into doing it. We would obviously have a lot to discuss. But Lacey was my ride or die, and I don’t know if I can trust anyone else except you.” He talks so fast that Seungcheol is worried he’s going to run out of breath and pass out.

Seungcheol doesn’t know how to answer for a moment. He’s always wished Joshua would let him edit his books. In fact, he was a little hurt the day Joshua announced he’d found Lacey. He always assumed he’d be the one Joshua went to.

“Yeah. Of course.” He hears himself say. He meets Joshua’s eyes.

“Thanks. We can wait until after vacation to discuss it. I was just really worried about it and I wanted to get it off my chest.” He breathes out like he’s genuinely feeling lighter. Seungcheol’s heart aches. He wishes Joshua had felt comfortable asking him earlier so he didn’t have to suffer like this.

They slip back into silence.

“Shower’s free.” Jeonghan states, making them both jump. Seungcheol lets his gaze stay on him for a moment. His long hair is damp and pushed out of his face. He’s wearing a loose t-shirt and a pair of joggers. His bare face is still just as breathtaking as always.

“You can go next.” Seungcheol tells Joshua, who thanks him softly and skitters off to the bathroom. Seungcheol turns back to the view while Jeonghan settles on his side of the bed, rubbing lotion into his hands.

Seungcheol stands on the balcony, watching the sun sink lower and the tide come in closer. It’s peaceful out here, with the warmth and the soft breeze.

His turn for the shower comes and he takes his toiletries into the bathroom with him. His face burns a little as he sticks it in the water, but it quickly fades and he gets to work washing up so he looks decent for when they go out for dinner. When he’s done, he gets out and makes sure to use the aloe moisturizer he packed just for this moment. He brushes his hair out and puts on more deodorant. Then he looks for his clothes - and realizes he never brought them in with him.

He spends a few seconds internally cursing himself out before he takes a deep breath and barges into their room with nothing but a towel around his waist. He makes no eye contact and gets to his suitcase, where he digs out random clothes. He hurries back to the bathroom, praying neither of them were able to see his junk. He pulls his clothes on and re-emerges. Joshua is curled up on the couch on his phone and Jeonghan has crawled underneath the covers. He’s asleep. Seungcheol was panicked for nothing.

He sits carefully on his side of the bed so he doesn’t wake the sleeping princess up and gets his phone out. They have a little bit of time before they need to head out to meet the others for dinner. Just as he’s thinking about taking a nap, there’s a knock on the door. He gets up to answer it before Joshua does and is met with the sight of Jihoon on the other side.

“Hey. Thought I might come visit you guys.” He says, letting himself in before Seungcheol can tell him otherwise. He surveys the room. “One bed?”

“Yep.” Seungcheol sighs.

“Joshua, I can call room service and get them to bring you a cot. You don’t have to sleep on that piece of shit.” Jihoon calls. Joshua’s eyes light up. Seungcheol wants to cry. If he’d stayed strong on the couch, he could have gotten a cot to himself.

“I didn’t think about that. Thanks, Hoonie.” Joshua reaches his arms out and Jihoon diligently comes in for a hug, pretending he doesn’t like it. Seungcheol goes back to sitting in the bed. When Joshua finally releases Jihoon, he wanders to their room phone and calls the front desk, politely asking for a cot to be brought to their room.

“Where are we going for dinner?” Seungcheol asks as he hangs up. Jihoon crawls into bed between him and Jeonghan, settling himself down.

“Some fancy place that Soonyoung and Seokmin picked out. It sounded nice.” He shrugs one shoulder, uncaring. Jeonghan stirs beside him and turns to cradle the smaller boy in his arms, smiling contently. Seungcheol watches on in envy.

“I might go check up on Wonwoo and Soonyoung. Soonyoung had a pretty big sunburn.” Seungcheol slides off the bed and finds the aloe he packed. Jihoon gives him a ‘you coward’ stare, but waves as he walks out the door.

Finding Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s room is easier than expected. As soon as he walks into the hallway, Seungcheol can hear Soonyoung whining. He locates the door it seems to be coming from and knocks. Wonwoo opens it, eyes the aloe in his hands, and sweeps his arm to tell him to come in.

Soonyoung is standing mostly naked in the middle of their room, seemingly even redder than he was when Seungcheol saw him last. It looks painful. Seungcheol clicks his tongue and holds up the aloe. Soonyoung almost sobs in relief.

“Cheollie, it hurt so bad to shower.” He wails.

“I bet it did.” Seungcheol cracks the cap open and starts lathering the cold aloe on with careful fingers. Soonyoung shivers and cries out at the first touch. Wonwoo starts on his front. Soon, they have him covered head to toe in sticky aloe. He plops himself on their couch looking completely miserable.

“So does this mean Wonwoo is topping tonight?” Seungcheol snickers. Wonwoo punches him lightly in the arm. Ever since the singular time Seungcheol overheard them talking about whose turn it was to bottom, he teased them about it incessantly.

“Seriously though, Soon. How did you do this on the first day we’re here? It hasn’t even been a whole twenty-four hours.” Wonwoo sits beside him.

“I don’t know.” Soonyoung lets his head loll dramatically.

Seungcheol hangs out in their room until Wonwoo shooes him out and tells him he needs to go get ready. He slumps back to his own room and goes inside to find Jihoon and Jeonghan curled up together, asleep. Joshua is in the bathroom, dabbing at his face with a beauty blender.

“Jihoonie. Time to get up.” Seungcheol shakes his shoulder until he opens his eyes a crack, scowls, and shakes Seungcheol’s hand off. Seungcheol pulls at his arm. “Get up. It’s time to go eat.”

“I’m tired.” Jihoon grumbles. Beside him, Jeonghan stirs, blinking sleepy up at Seungcheol before he realizes where he is. He sits up, rubbing at his eyes. Jihoon mumbles angrily to himself as he slides out of the bed and storms off to his own room to wake up and get ready.

Seungcheol goes to find his clothes and waits patiently until Joshua is done with the bathroom. He spends the few minutes of silence buttoning the simple light blue shirt he brought with him. He rolls the sleeves to his elbows and tucks the front into the waistband of his jeans. He then dabs a little bit of concealer and pinky lipgloss on. He fixes his hair and studies himself in the mirror for a while before he finally relinquishes the bathroom to Jeonghan.

Joshua is standing out on the balcony again. It’s pretty much dark outside now, the sun a distant blip of pink. Joshua looks gorgeous standing there, clad in a simple black t-shirt, some black jeans, and a ripped-up jean shirt over the top.

Seungcheol locates his pack of cigarettes and a lighter and steps out onto the balcony to smoke. He hasn’t touched them all day, which he considers a victory. He’s been smoking more recently. He guesses it's stress. Joshua doesn’t say a word. Months before, he’d be trying to bat the cigarette out of Seungcheol’s hand, reminding him that they were unhealthy. _“I want to grow old with you, Seungcheol,”_ he’d beg. _“I want all three of us to live long, happy lives together.”_ Seungcheol would stub it out almost immediately.

Jeonghan emerges from the bathroom in white jeans that hug his thighs, a flowy, long-sleeved pink shirt, and a pair of fake round glasses. His hair is half-up, half-down, the top layer tied into a little knot at the back of his head.

They all silently start for the door. They run into Minghao and Mingyu in the hallway on their way to the elevator and Seungcheol feels the tension leak from his shoulders as he slips into conversation with Minghao about Soonyoung’s sunburn.

***

The restaurant is gorgeous. They sit outside, next to the water. There are twinkling fairy lights everywhere and the tables are covered in simple - yet elegant - white tablecloths. Seungcheol is lucky enough to sit between Hansol and Chan.

The menu is fancy and extensive. Seungcheol looks it over while he scarfs down bread dipped in olive oil. He ends up choosing some extravagant seafood dish. He figures he hasn’t treated himself in a long time and he’s on vacation.

“Shua, how is your last book doing? Last time I looked, it was nearing the top of the charts.” Jun speaks up. Joshua takes a sip of his water.

“It’s doing really well. I’m actually looking at writing the sequel. I actually started something else in the meantime, though. I’m almost done with the first draft.” He glances at Seungcheol. “I’m actually going to let Seungcheol be my editor.”

“What happened to Lacey?” Chan furrows his eyebrows. Seungcheol watches him take a big sip of wine and fights the urge to roll his eyes. He’ll be drunk in a matter of half an hour. Chan is a lightweight, especially with wine. He can drink beer forever, but it takes him no time to get wine-drunk.

“She’s having a baby, so she’s not editing for a while. Seungcheol’s the first person that came to mind. Otherwise I’d have to spend months trying to find someone that… gets me. You know?” Joshua takes a bite of bread.

“Well, we always thought you’d use Seungcheol anyway, when you started writing. He’s been an editor forever, and then you dropped out of school and started writing and we just assumed he’d be your editor.” Seungkwan mutters. Seungcheol feels his face heat up and he hopes it’s too dimly lit for anyone to see. Joshua seems at a loss for words for a second. He takes another sip of bread before he talks again.

“Yeah… I just… I don’t know. I guess I didn’t want to mix work and friends.” He says. Seungcheol feels his heart sink.

“So… are you saying you and Seungcheol aren’t friends anymore?” Minghao says at the exact moment Seungcheol is having similar thoughts in his mind. Seungcheol sinks back in his chair, fighting the urge to get up and bolt. He sneaks a peek at Joshua to see the reaction. The other boy opens his mouth, a mere squeak noise coming out before he starts backpedaling.

“No! No, that’s not it. I just -”

"Then why haven’t you guys been hanging out?” Seungkwan blatantly questions. He points accusingly at Seungcheol, then Jeonghan, and then Joshua. “You guys have been acting fucking weird. We’re all thinking it, right?” He glances around the rest of the table. Chan, Seokmin, Minghao, and Mingyu all stare at their plates, obviously trying not to make eye contact with anyone.

The food comes then, momentarily pausing the discussion. Everyone starts to eat. Seungcheol suddenly isn’t all that hungry. He starts poking at his fish with a fork. There are tears burning at the back of his eyes and he doesn’t know why.

“Cheol? Are you okay?” Hansol asks quietly, trying to lean in so nobody else hears him. Seungcheol puts on a brave face and nods.

“Yeah. Just trying to wait a second. Let it cool down.” He lies. Hansol pierces him with a suspicious look, but goes back to his own food.

“So anyway, back to what I was saying. What’s been going on? I tried to ignore it, but it’s been months, you guys. Spill the beans.” Seungcheol can’t tell if Seungkwan is drunk already, or if he’s just trying to stir the pot. Either way, Seungcheol wishes someone would shut him up. He really doesn’t want to be doing this right now.

“Nothing is going on.” Jeonghan spears a bite of fish on his fork and shoves it in his mouth. Seungkwan huffs.

“Clearly, you’re lying through your teeth. Why did you freak the fuck out when I put all of you in the same room? Joshua did the same thing. Why did Jihoon have to call room service for a cot? I got you one bed on purpose. You used to crawl into the same bed together like it was nothing.” Seungkwan is practically yelling at this point.

“Kwannie.” Hansol reaches for his hand.

“No! I’m not doing this. I want to know why three of my best friends are avoiding each other like the plague. Did you have a fight? I want answers.” He’s rising in pitch now.

Across the table, Joshua bursts into quiet tears. Seungcheol and Hansol are the only ones to notice, as far as Seungcheol can tell. The kitten-eyed boy pushes his chair back and walks quickly from the table. Seungcheol feels like someone has taken his knife and plunged it deep into his chest. He hates to see Jeonghan or Joshua upset. It’s devastating.

“Seungkwan. You have to stop.” Hansol states as he gets up. He drops his napkin on the table and hurries in the direction that Joshua had been rushing. Seungkwan stares after him in confusion until he looks and sees Joshua’s empty chair.

“See? What’s that about?” He motions to the seat. He’s met with silence. In fact, most of the people in the restaurant around them are silent too. Some of them are staring. Seungcheol lowers his head, picking at his food. Chan squeezes him on the knee, as if to ask him if he’s okay. Seungcheol just nods once in return. In reality, he wants to scream. He wants to get up and launch himself into the sea. Joshua is crying and it’s his fault.


	3. Sick Days and Aquarium Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention - the POV changes every 2 chapters!

***Jeonghan's POV***

Joshua is crying and Jeonghan feels partially responsible. He watches the other boy rush from the table and feels like he could puke with worry. He longs for the days he could get up and follow Joshua to the bathroom and hold him while he cries. In fact, he’d be there to make sure Joshua wasn’t crying in the first place.

He sneaks a look at Seungcheol across the table. He’s staring way too hard at his plate, poking a piece of shrimp with his fork. He looks upset himself, but Jeonghan knows there’s no way he’d ever show it in public. He’d rather die.

Jeonghan doesn’t really know what he was expecting to happen on this vacation. It was almost like he thought Seungcheol would pick them up, they’d get to the beach, and somehow everything would be okay again. They could go back to being inseparable. Talking about everything. Hugging and cuddling and generally being themselves. The three musketeers.

But it was day one and every time he even breathed, Seungcheol seemed to tense like Jeonghan was about to pull out a gun and shoot him point blank.

Jeonghan shares a look with Jun, the only other person that knows about what happened that night. Jun wasn’t supposed to know, but one night after far too much wine, Jeonghan fell, weeping, into his lap and spilled the entire story. He made Jun swear not to tell Minghao, or anyone for that matter. Nobody else could know. He was terrified word would get back to his parents somehow. He’d be done for.

Jun pats him gently on the shoulder with a sad smile. Jeonghan heaves a sigh and takes another bite of his food. He wants to leave, fall asleep in the plush king bed, and forget about this day entirely.

Joshua takes a full ten minutes to come back, Hansol not far behind. He’s puffy-eyed and won’t look at anyone, but he sits down and starts eating again like nothing ever happened. Jeonghan fights the urge to crawl across the high-class dinner table on his hands and knees, hold Joshua’s face in his hands, and kiss his cheeks until he’s smiling.

The rest of the meal goes by far too slowly. There’s forced, uncomfortable conversation until Soonyoung cracks a joke that makes the entire table laugh, shattering the awkwardness. Jeonghan reminds himself to hug Soonyoung for it later.

Afterwards, they pay and walk back toward the hotel. They stop at an ice cream shop and Jeonghan gets two scoops of cookies and cream. He takes his cone and starts strolling slowly down the pier to the right of the shop. The moon is sparkling bright in the water and a warm breeze brushes his hair over his shoulders. He can hear the sounds of a carnival off in the distance. If he cranes his neck, he can see the top of a ferris wheel.

“Rough night.” Mingyu mutters, coming up beside him and matching his slow, leisurely pace.

“Tell me about it.” Jeonghan takes a lick of his ice cream.

“I think Kwannie took it just a little too far. I don’t think he realizes. But he did give Joshua a half-assed apology.” Mingyu jerks a thumb over his shoulder. Jeonghan makes the mistake of looking back. Not only is Joshua sitting on a bench near the pier, far too pretty for having just cried for ten minutes, but Seungcheol is walking slightly behind them, talking quietly to Seokmin. He and Jeonghan accidentally make eye contact and Seungcheol is quick to look away, pretending to see something in the water to the left of the pier.

“Has Seungcheol said anything to you? About the three of us?” Jeonghan finds himself asking.

“Nope.” Mingyu answers without a second thought. “Why? Is there something I need to know?” He gives Jeonghan a pointed look.

“No.” Jeonghan clears his throat and takes a big bite of ice cream that makes his teeth hurt. Mingyu makes an ‘mmm-hmm’ noise and takes a sip of his milkshake.

***

They finally all make it back to the hotel. The closer Jeonghan gets to his shared room, the more dread pools in his stomach. He opens the door and is relieved to see he’s the first one back. He takes his pajamas into the bathroom and climbs into them before he takes his makeup off. When he comes back into the room, Seungcheol and Joshua are both back. Joshua is putting sheets on the cot they provided him and Seungcheol is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at the pajamas he’s holding in his hands. He waits until Jeonghan climbs into the bed before he gets up and all but runs into the bathroom.

Jeonghan sinks into the bed, basically melting. He plugs his phone in and curls up on his side.

Seungcheol eventually emerges and silently crawls into the other side. He moves carefully, slowly, like he’s waiting for Jeonghan to spring. Jeonghan starts falling asleep while the lights are still on, listening to the sound of Joshua typing on his laptop and Seungcheol breathing slowly behind him.

A few minutes later, he stirs lightly at the sound of someone clicking off the lamp. He cracks an eye open to watch Joshua pad lightly over to his cot and climb in, curling up on his side like a kitten. Jeonghan longs to press himself into his back and nuzzle into his neck.

Beside him, Seungcheol clicks off his own lamp and shimmies himself down under the covers. Jeonghan rolls onto his back. Seungcheol shifts a little and Jeonghan catches a whiff of the cologne he always wears. It’s slightly intoxicating.

Normally, it takes him seconds to fall asleep once he’s comfortable. Tonight, his mind is keeping him awake. He can’t stop listening to the gentle breathing of the two boys in the room with him. He aches to shuffle over onto Seungcheol’s side of the bed and press against his side, drawing warmth and comfort from him. But he can’t do that.

He curls up on his side, pulls the covers up to his chin, and prays that he can fall asleep as soon as possible.

***

He wakes to the sound of quiet moans. His eyes pop open immediately and he stares into the dark. Seungcheol is shifting next to him. His first thought is, ‘oh my god, is Seungcheol jerking off next to me?’. But then he moans again and Jeonghan can hear the pain in it. He sits up on his elbows and looks over at the other boy. It’s dark, but he can see the outline of Seungcheol tossing back and forth restlessly. Jeonghan reaches over and turns the lamp on.

Seungcheol’s broken out in a cold sweat. His hair is wild and he looks pale. He’s breathing kind of heavily. Jeonghan contemplates what to do for a second. Does he wake him up? Does he wake someone else up to wake him up?

“Seungcheol?” He slowly reaches out and pats the other on the shoulder. Seungcheol wakes upon the first touch, blinking up at him in confusion. “Hey, are you okay?”

Seungcheol’s eyes flash and he ratchets into a sitting position. There is literally no time for Jeonghan to do anything before he’s hunching over on himself and vomiting violently all over their comforter.

“What’s going on?” Joshua is awake now, blearily staring over at them.

Seungcheol retches again, clutching the comforter between his fingers so tightly that it looks painful. Jeonghan finally moves, hopping out of the bed and jogging into the bathroom. He wets a washcloth and comes back. He hesitates for just a moment before he takes the washcloth and lays it over the back of Seungcheol’s neck. He shivers.

“God… do you think it’s food poisoning?” Joshua is standing at the foot of the bed, eyes wide.

“It has to be. Jesus, I thought it was supposed to be fancy. He had that big expensive one with the lobster on it. Did anyone else get it?” Jeonghan gets his phone out.

“Mingyu. Mingyu did. Fuck.”

Jeonghan dials Minghao’s number. He answers on the second ring.

“Hey. Is Seungcheol puking?” He doesn’t even wait for Jeonghan to say a greeting back.

“He sure is. Is Mingyu?”

“Yep. All over our floor. Housekeeping is here. I’ll send them your way next.” He sounds as tired as Jeonghan feels.

“Alright. Thank you. Call me if you need help, okay?”

They hang up. Jeonghan tosses his phone over next to his suitcase.

“Let’s move to the bathroom.” Joshua speaks like he’s calming a startled puppy. Seungcheol whimpers, shivering again. He swings his legs over the side of the bed and slides off the side, wincing as his feet touch the ground. Between the three of them, they finally get Seungcheol to the bathroom. He sinks to the floor, leaning back against the wall. He looks miserable.

“I’m gonna go get you drink. I think I have some medicine in my travel bag. I’ll look. Sit tight.” Jeonghan hurries back into their room. He searches through his travel bag and finds the pepto bismol tablets he packed just for an occasion like this. He takes them to the bathroom and tosses them to Joshua before he takes a key and wanders down the hall to the vending machine. He buys Seungcheol a Sprite and hurries back.

“The pepto made him puke again. We’ll have to wait a minute.” Joshua informs him when he returns. Jeonghan sighs and squats beside Seungcheol, who is clutching the side of the toilet bowl like a lifeline.

“Sit back a second. Try to take a drink.” He opens the sprite and hands it over. Seungcheol takes a tiny, tentative sip.

A knock sounds on the door and Jeonghan goes to answer it, letting the bathroom door settle closed. It’s housekeeping.

“Hi, thank you so much for coming.” Jeonghan lets the two women in and they smile. “Sorry about this. He has food poisoning.”

They assure him they’ve seen way worse as they glove up and take the sheets and blankets off the bed. They replace them with brand new ones and leave as fast as they came. Jeonghan returns to the bathroom. Joshua has started the shower and is feeling the water to see if it’s warm enough.

“I thought a shower might help a little. He’s all sweaty.” He says.

Seungcheol is hugging himself, eyes half-closed. He’s shaking violently. Jeonghan finds himself wanting to sit down beside him and rub his back until he feels better. He has a flashback of being shitfaced and throwing up at a party. Seungcheol was there with him the entire time, pulling his hair back into a messy ponytail and rubbing his back and shoulders until the feeling passed.

“Alright, you ready to get in?” Joshua asks. Seungcheol audibly swallows and starts to stand. Jeonghan grabs his arm, helping him up. “We’ll leave you be, but yell if you need help.”

“The blankets are all fresh when you’re done.” Jeonghan adds.

“I’m sorry.” Seungcheol sounds close to tears. Jeonghan’s heart twinges and a lump starts to build in his throat. What he wouldn’t give to sit down and hold Seungcheol in his arms. Stroke his sweaty hair and sing to him.

“You can’t help it. Just take it easy, okay?”

They leave the door cracked in case he calls for them.

“This sucks. It’s literally our first night here and Seungcheol is sick.” Joshua slides the balcony door open to let air circulate and Jeonghan is glad for it. The room smells slightly of vomit and it’s making his own stomach turn.

“If it’s food poisoning he should feel better in a day or two. Maybe he and Mingyu can hang out together tomorrow.” Jeonghan sits in the bed. Joshua clicks the TV on so it’s not so silent and flips until he finds the home improvement channel. Jeonghan settles back at the familiar feeling. They used to watch this channel together all the time.

The shower clicks off and they listen to the sound of Seungcheol pulling back the shower curtain. Jeonghan assumes the silence is him drying off.

“Joshua?” He calls softly.

“Yeah?” Joshua’s up on his feet in milliseconds.

“Can you bring me some clothes? Mine are… gross.” Seungcheol sounds embarrassed just asking for clothes. Joshua bends down and digs out some sweatpants and a t-shirt and diligently takes them to the bathroom door. He hands them over and Seungcheol thanks him.

“Do you want to come sit out here? We can find you a trash can.” Jeonghan calls. Seungcheol nudges the door open as he’s pulling his t-shirt down. He shuffles into the room with damp hair, bringing the bathroom trash can with him. He sets it on his bedside table and gingerly climbs under the covers, propping himself up slightly with pillows. Joshua brings his Sprite from the bathroom and tosses it onto the bed between them.

“So Mingyu’s sick too?” Seungcheol pulls the blankets up higher on his chest. His glazed eyes are focused on the TV.

“Yeah. It must have been the lobster.” Jeonghan hugs his knees to his chest. He’d much rather be snuggled under the covers, falling asleep, but he wants to be prepared in case Seungcheol needs something.

“I guess I’m not going to the aquarium tomorrow…” Seungcheol’s voice makes Jeonghan look at him. His chin is wobbling. Jeonghan knows it’s not just because he isn’t going to the aquarium. It’s hard to make Seungcheol cry. Jeonghan speculates that it’s the fever Seungcheol undoubtedly has.

“Hey…” He doesn’t really know what to do. He can’t hug him. He can’t hold his hand. He settles for awkwardly patting Seungcheol’s shoulder. Seungcheol lets out a shaky exhale and tears start to well in his eyes. Jeonghan looks at Joshua, who’s perched on the end of the bed, observing.

“Do you want us to call someone else?” He asks. Seungcheol bites his lips together, full-body shuddering like he was holding in an intense sob.

“I want Jihoon, but I don’t want to wake him. It’s almost four in the morning.”

“Jihoon won’t care. If he hears you’re sick and you’re asking for him, he’ll come.” Jeonghan assures him. Seungcheol makes a choked noise in his throat and shudders again. With this one comes a gag and he snatches the trash can, putting his face down in it. He breathes into the bag for a few seconds before he rocks forward, vomiting. Jeonghan hisses and thumps him on the back a couple of times.

“I’ll call Hoonie.” Joshua gets up and goes for his phone.

***

A few minutes later, they have a squinting, slightly grumpy Jihoon standing in the room, scratching at his cheek.

“God. You look like hell.” He croaks. Seungcheol whimpers and Jihoon sighs, shuffling to the side of the bed and pulling his head in toward his stomach. He strokes the poor boy’s hair, still trying to wake himself up.

“He woke up and puked all over the bed. Mingyu’s sick too. Hao had to send housekeeping to us. Seungcheol’s puked… five times?” Jeonghan looks to Joshua for confirmation.

“Pepto?” Jihoon rubs his eye with a knuckle.

“He threw it up.”

“Alright. Well, I guess you’re just going to have to ride it out, huh? Let’s try to go back to bed for a little while. Maybe you’ll feel better when you wake up.” Jihoon crawls over Seungcheol into the middle of the bed, gathering Seungcheol up in his arms despite the size difference. Seungcheol pushes his face into Jihoon’s chest, sniffling.

“Did Jun even wake up when I called?” Joshua asks.

“Nope. He’s sleeping like a fucking log. He’ll probably be really confused when he wakes up.” Jihoon is already sleepy-voiced, falling back into unconsciousness. Joshua takes this as his cue to go back to his cot, curling up and pulling the covers up over himself. Jeonghan climbs under the blankets himself and leans over to click the lamp off.

“We’ll leave the bathroom light on. Wake us up if you need us.” He says to nobody in particular. He gets no answer in return.

***

Jeonghan only wakes up a few more times after that. Once at the sound of Seungcheol clicking the bathroom door closed and turning the tap and the fan on. The second time is at the sound of him retching violently into the trash can, Jihoon shushing him and whispering words of comfort. He doesn’t wake again until it’s well into the morning. When he rolls over and looks at the clock on the bedside table, it’s nearing nine.

Someone knocks on the door. Joshua, who is already up and brushing his teeth, answers it and lets in a concerned Seungkwan. He makes a beeline for the bed, cooing at the sight of Seungcheol curled up against Jihoon’s chest. Jeonghan heaves himself into a sitting position. Seungcheol has a little bit of dried vomit on the front of his shirt and he’s still pale.

“Poor baby. Mingyu looks bad too. Minghao says he was up all night throwing up. He ate a lot more lobster than Seungcheol. I’m writing that fucking restaurant a strongly-worded letter. They paid so much for that food.” Seungkwan sits on the edge of the bed and runs his fingers through Seungcheol’s nappy bedhead.

“You’re too loud. It’s early.” Jihoon whines.

“It’s almost nine, Hoon.” Joshua tells him. Jihoon flaps his hand as if to dismiss him.

“So my plan is to get Mingyu in here so they’re together and leave someone behind with them. I imagine Minghao will probably volunteer.” Seungkwan gets up and retrieves a warm wet washcloth. He wipes at Seungcheol’s face, waking him in the process.

“Kwannie.” He mumbles, turning onto his other side so he can press his face into Seungkwan’s leg.

“Why are you so cute?” Seungkwan cooes.

There comes another knock on the door that Joshua answers. In walks Minghao, supporting a very tired, very pale Mingyu. Jeonghan moves to get out of the bed and pats the spot for Mingyu to lie down in. He does, burrowing down in the covers and velcroing himself to Jihoon’s back. Jeonghan scratches lightly at the base of his neck like he likes.

“Poor Puppy. Was it a rough night?” He asks.

“I want to die.” Mingyu’s voice is muffled by Jihoon’s back.

“They both smell like puke.” Jihoon mutters. He makes no move to get away from either of them.

Seungkwan conveys his plan and Minghao agrees that he wants to stay without a second thought. Seungkwan tells him that he’s sent Hansol to get supplies to help them through until they get back. Jeonghan slips away to take a shower, delighting in the warm water and the feeling of his muscles loosening up. He takes his time getting out and blow-drying his hair. When he emerges, the room is slightly more full.

“Hi, Han.” Wonwoo is standing beside the bathroom door, smiling sweetly. Jeonghan allows himself to be manhandled into a hug, which Soonyoung adds to as he clings to Jeonghan’s back.

“How’d you sleep?” Jeonghan asks, squeezing Wonwoo around the waist.

“Pretty great. Sorry we didn’t know what was going on, we would have come to help.” Wonwoo responds. His voice rumbles low in his chest, vibrating Jeonghan’s skin in a pleasantly tingly way.

“Don’t worry about it. He wasn’t too bad. Just really emotional.” Jeonghan pulls back and pats Wonwoo on the face. Soonyoung is still connected to his back, chin hooked over his shoulder.

“Well hopefully it passes soon. I feel bad for them. We’re supposed to be on vacation.” Wonwoo wanders away while he talks, pulling the curtains open and cracking the door again to let some fresh air in. It makes the room feel way less depressing and stuffy. Jeonghan shifts closer to the bed, bringing Soonyoung along with him.

He kind of feels bad for thinking it, but he’s a little relieved Seungcheol isn’t coming with them. Of course, he doesn’t want him to suffer. Not at all. He just feels like he’ll enjoy the aquarium fifty percent more knowing he won’t have to look at Seungcheol while he’s there.

“I’m excited about the shark tunnel.” Soonyoung comments like he’s reading Jeonghan’s mind.

***

An hour later, they’re all ready to go. Minghao is posted up in bed between Mingyu and Seungcheol. The two said boys are armed with a trash can each, lots of fluids, and medicine. After much discussion, Jihoon is staying too. He says it’s because he’s tired and isn’t really interested in the fish anyway, but they all know it’s because he has a slight phobia of being at the aquarium. He always used to say he was worried the glass was going to break in some kind of freak accident and they’d be attacked by various sea creatures. Therefore, he looks rather content with himself where he’s curled up on Joshua’s cot, flicking through the TV channels.

They make it down to the cars and Jeonghan ends up in Seungcheol’s truck, but Wonwoo is driving it. This is alarming, considering Wonwoo has never driven a vehicle this big, but he seems to be handling it okay. Jeonghan still clings to Hansol, who’s sitting in the middle between himself and Seungkwan. Soonyoung is in the passenger seat, giving directions.

Somehow, they make it to the aquarium without any serious injury and with minimal yelling. As soon as they pull into the parking spot, Jeonghan is flinging himself from the backseat. Wonwoo tells him to stop being dramatic.  
They pay for their tickets and head off into the wonderland that is the aquarium. Jeonghan falls into the back of the group with Jun, letting the other boy lace their fingers together.

“How’s it going?” He asks as soon as the others are out of earshot.

“It’s fucking awful.” Jeonghan admits. Jun makes a sad noise and squeezes Jeonghan’s hand. “Cheol keeps doing this thing where he just like…”

“Breathes?” Jun supplies.

“Yeah. He breathes or he moves or he looks at me and I feel like I’m dying. And Joshua is doing the same thing. But they’re both acting like skittish kittens around me. Meanwhile, I want one of them to just give me a hug and forget the whole fucking thing.”

“Han, I know we already talked about it, but are you sure you’re not gay?” Jun spears him with a worried look as they walk up to the stingray exhibit. Jeonghan chooses to stay silent for a moment. He follows a giant stingray with his eyes as it glides effortlessly and silently through the water.

“Even if I were, I couldn’t come out. You know I couldn’t.” Jeonghan’s voice starts to go up in pitch and he forces himself to shut up. He refuses to think too deeply about this right now. The aquarium is not the place to weep about your parents possibly disowning you.

“You okay?” Chan pops up out of nowhere, forehead creased in concern. Jeonghan forces a smile and pats him on the face.

“I’m fine, baby.” He assures him. Chan looks unconvinced, but he walks away anyway, jogging to catch up with Seokmin so he can point out a really cool fish in one of the giant tanks to their left. Jeonghan blows out a deep breath and his smile slides away with it.

“I know you say you couldn’t. But if you were gay… Hannie, you know we would support you. If that’s how you feel, you shouldn’t go your whole life trying to hide it. I know we can’t compare to real family, but we’re here for you. All of us.” Jun stops and pulls Jeonghan’s shoulder so they’re face to face. He holds Jeonghan’s face in his hands. “If you’re gay, you can tell me. You can tell any of us. We wouldn’t tell anyone else. I’m positive I can speak for all of us, and you know it too. And if you were ready to tell your parents, we would be with you every step of the way.”

“Damn it, Jun.” Jeonghan’s eyes are starting to well with hot tears. The younger boy gives him a sad grin and gathers him up in his arms, squeezing him tight. Jun always gives such amazing hugs. When he lets go, he uses his thumbs to wipe the escaped tears under Jeonghan’s eyes.

“Let’s go to the bathroom and get you cleaned up. We can talk more later, okay?”

They do just that. Jun helps him dab his face and fix his makeup and they hug some more before they catch up with the rest of the group. Wonwoo catches his face and gives him a quizzical look, but doesn’t say anything.

Jeonghan thinks about what Jun was saying all the way through the aquarium. He thinks about it as he’s watching a gorgeous turtle float past the glass, sailing upwards toward the surface. He ponders it as they’re standing in the jellyfish room, studying the mystical beings glide back and forth with no effort.

They’re entering the shark tunnel when Jeonghan catches sight of Joshua. He’s a few feet away, face tilted toward the ceiling. The tunnel is made completely of glass, surrounded by water, the floor included, so there are sharks above, below, around beside them. Joshua is staring at a hammerhead just above his head. The light is cutting through the water, painting his face a dappled blue. His mouth is slightly agape and his eyes are wide and glittering with wonder. The hammerhead makes a sharp turn and heads toward the side of the tunnel and the corners of Joshua’s mouth turn up into a smile and his eyes crinkle at the edges.

He’s breathtaking and innocent and graceful and it hurts Jeonghan to the core.

“Junnie.” Jeonghan whispers. “I’m gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm warning you one more time - it doesn't get any less dramatic for a bit. For some reason, I have the tendency to write any member of Seventeen crying way more than they probably should. I can't help it. ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	4. A Slight Breakdown And Drunk Yelling

***Jeonghan's POV***

Jeonghan is so far from okay. He’s managed to keep his tears at bay through the rest of the aquarium. He nearly loses it in the gift shop, where Joshua is petting every possible stuffed animal he can get his hands on, but he manages to take deep breaths and get himself under control again.

“We should get Seungcheol, Mingyu, Hao, and Hoonie souvenirs! Since they couldn’t be here.” Joshua is saying, picking up a penguin plushie. They all know Mingyu is a sucker for stuffed animals. Seungcheol collects shot glasses, so really, neither of them are hard to buy for. However, Jihoon and Minghao are a different story. They have to hunt a little.

In the end, they end up with three different plushies for Mingyu, all five varieties of shot glasses for Seungcheol, a bunch of unique postcards for Minghao (he likes to tack them up on the wall behind his desk), and a plug protector in the shape of a shark for Jihoon. Joshua says it’s so he doesn’t bend his laptop charger cord while he’s writing music well into the morning. They also grab him a neck pillow with turtle print all over it. Jeonghan chips in for all the gifts, along with the rest of the guys.

They separate into the same cars to get to their lunch destination. Although Jeonghan wants to ride with Jun so he can have help trying to keep himself in check, he knows everyone would be suspicious if he tried to change cars now. So he hops into the truck beside Hansol and prays to god he doesn’t start to cry.

“Hey… is everything okay?” Wonwoo looks at Jeonghan in the rearview mirror. He, Hansol, and Jeonghan are the only ones in the car. Seungkwan and Soonyoung are standing outside with Seokmin, talking loudly about jellyfish.

“No.” Jeonghan can’t even force a lie. His chest hurts and he just wants to get out of the car, walk to the beach, and throw himself into the ocean. Wonwoo, alarmed that he got an actual response, twists in his seat. Hansol is staring at him, too, waiting.

“What happened?” Wonwoo questions.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now or I’m going to lose my shit.” Jeonghan’s voice shakes. Because Hansol and Wonwoo are the two most calm, respectful human beings in their friend group, they both return to minding their own business without another word. They sit in complete silence for a second before Wonwoo clears his throat, but doesn’t even glance in his direction as he speaks again.

“If you want to talk about it later, just let me know.”

“Same here.” Hansol adds without looking up from his phone. Jeonghan settles his head on Hansol’s shoulder in response.

***

He makes it through their late lunch just fine. Chan and Soonyoung make him laugh. His food is delicious. Jun is sitting at his side, holding his hand under the table whenever his hands aren’t occupied. He feels alright. He feels like he might be able to have a better day now.

All it takes is for him to look at Joshua’s face a single time for him to feel that happier spirit come crumbling down to ashes.

They return to the hotel. As they split up, Wonwoo squeezes his elbow, Hansol runs a single finger across his back, and Jun gives him a look. Jeonghan feels thankful for all three of them.

He pushes open their hotel room door, expecting the worst. He’s met with the sight of Jihoon passed out on the cot, hands pillowed under his head like he’s legitimately posed for a picture. Minghao is curled up in the bed with Mingyu big-spooning him, Mingyu looking slightly more his regular color. Seungcheol is nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Cheol?” He blurts. Minghao picks his head up.

“Oh, I ran him a bath. He was feeling a little better but he said he was sore so I thought a bubble bath might help. I gave him a bath bomb and everything.” He explains.

“I brought presents!” Joshua says over Jeonghan’s shoulder. He holds up his two giant bags of goodies, looking way too happy with himself.

“Presents?” Mingyu perks, suddenly interested. His eyes look clearer.

“Yeah, Pup. We got you some stuff.” Joshua hurries to the bed and starts pulling all the plushes out. Mingyu squeals louder with each one. He hugs all three to his chest, cooing about how much he loves them.

A pajama-clad Seungcheol peeks at them from the bathroom door. He looks a little better. There’s color to his cheeks and he isn’t shaking or crying. Jeonghan considers that a win.

“Seungcheol’s only vomited once since you left and he’s been better in the last couple of hours. Mingyu hasn’t puked at all this morning. I think he got it all out of his system last night.” Minghao informs Jeonghan and Joshua.

“We got you some stuff too.” Joshua holds up his bag, speaking with a little less confidence. Seungcheol’s eyes brighten. Joshua digs out the shot glasses wrapped in brown paper and holds them out, depositing them into Seungcheol’s waiting hands. He unwraps them, grinning a little when he sees the glass.

“Shot glasses. It’s almost like you know me.” His voice is a little crackly, but Jeonghan can tell he feels way better than he had. Joshua nods slowly, a sad little smile playing on his face. Jeonghan has a brief memory of himself and Joshua standing in a gift shop in California two years before, debating for a full ten minutes on whether to get Seungcheol a shot glass with a turtle on it or a shot glass with a shark on it. They had ended up with both and Seungcheol hugged the two of them forever, absolutely tickled with his present.

“Hao!” Joshua hands over the little stack of postcards and Minghao acts like it’s Christmas morning. He flips through all of them, observing every little detail with his methodical eyes.

“They’re beautiful! Oh my god, the detail on this one.” He’s holding up a postcard that’s hand-painted to look like an aquarium scene, complete with little painted people standing in front of the glass.

“There are presents?” Jihoon is awake from his nap now, voice laced with sleep. Jeonghan can’t help but come to lie down with him, snuggling him to his chest. As he does so, he catches a whiff of Joshua’s pillow. Clean laundry, fruity hair product… boy. It’s alluring and it makes him breathe a little deeper.

“We got you some presents too.” Jeonghan promises, carding his fingers through Jihoon’s hair. Jihoon makes a content grumbling noise, already falling back to sleep against Jeonghan’s chest. Jeonghan lets his eyes slip closed while he listens to Seungcheol and Minghao talk. He loves Seungcheol’s voice. His deeper, honeyed tone. The laugh in his words when he finds something amusing. He used to ask Seungcheol to talk to him over the phone until he fell asleep. It was like listening to ASMR.

This is how he finds himself falling into unconsciousness, cradled in the sound of Seungcheol’s voice.

***

“Hannie, come on. Time to get up.” A hand strokes his cheekbone and he manages to pop an eye open. Jihoon is fully awake beside him and he’s even changed outfits. Jeonghan rubs at his eyes.

“What time is it?” He yawns.

“It’s almost six. We took a long nap.” Jihoon snorts.

“It’s dinnertime?” Jeonghan sits up. Joshua is fixing his hair in the mirror beside the bathroom. Jeonghan’s still on his cot, which means he slept for several hours in Joshua’s sleeping spot without asking. He feels kinda bad.

“Yep. The plan is to go eat and then get some drinks at that tiki bar on the beach.” The explanation comes from Chan, who has appeared in their room and is getting Minghao to help him pick an outfit.

“Seungcheol and Mingyu are feeling a lot better so they’re coming with us. They’ve been told to eat something gentle if anything.” Minghao inputs, holding up an artsy t-shirt to Chan’s chest. He nods in affirmation and tosses it into Chan’s waiting hands.

Mingyu himself is nowhere to be seen. Jeonghan assumes he’s off getting ready. Seungcheol stands in the bathroom, patting concealer under the huge dark circles he has under his eyes. Jeonghan makes himself stand up and goes to the closet. He pulls out an outfit he deems worthy and stands beside the bathroom door patiently. Seungcheol sees him and hurries to finish his makeup.

“Sorry.” He mutters as he ducks out. Jeonghan tells him he’s fine and goes in to get ready. As he’s buckling his jeans, he looks at the array of stuff Seungcheol’s left out on the counter. His comb - complete with stray hairs - his concealer; his cologne (which Jeonghan picks up and takes a deep inhale of), and his toiletry bag. Just out of curiosity, he picks it up and opens it even though he knows he really shouldn’t. Deodorant, face wash, floss… Jeonghan pauses as his fingers touch foil packaging. He feels heat creep up his face as he pulls out a singular row of condoms. Six, to be exact.

He drops them like they’ve shocked him. He spends a full thirty seconds just eyeing them, trying to convince himself they aren’t real. Why does Seungcheol have condoms on vacation? Was he planning on meeting a girl and taking her back somewhere? Was he planning on meeting a… boy? Oh, god, was he planning on having sex with Joshua or Jeonghan?

He stuffs the condoms back in and layers the other stuff back onto them before he zips the bag up and sets it back on the counter where it was.

His jeans are suddenly uncomfortably tight. God, this isn’t happening. He isn’t getting a boner over thinking about reasons why his best friend might have condoms. He tries to think of sad things while he hurriedly does his makeup. Abandoned puppies, the face Joshua makes when he’s about to cry, funerals, anything.

He’s calmed down by the time his makeup is done. When he opens the door, Seungcheol is lying on his stomach on the bed, clicking away on his phone. His ass is right there, front and center, perfect and round and muscular.

“I’m going to lose my mind.” Jeonghan says out loud before he can stop it. Minghao sends him a concerned frown.

“What? Why?”

“Where’s Jun?” Jeonghan asks instead.

“In his and Jihoon’s room, probably. Jeonghan, what’s up?”

“I’ll see you guys at dinner.” Jeonghan grabs his wallet and takes off, nearly sprinting down the hallway to Jun and Jihoon’s room. He knocks wildly on the door until Jun answers, eyes wide.

“Where’s the fire?” He asks.

“I’m going to lose my goddamn mind, Jun. Seungcheol brought condoms with him.” Jeonghan pants.

“Uh, Jeonghan -”

“Why does he have condoms? Is he planning on hooking up with random people while we’re here? Jun, what if he wants to hook up with me or Shua?”

“Jeonghan -”

“I’m going to lose my shit. I started thinking about what that would be like, Jun. Do you know how messed up that is? I was thinking about what it would be like to have sex with my best friends or for my two best friends to have sex with each other.”

“Jeonghan!” Jun grabs his shoulders, stilling him. Jeonghan realizes, with much horror, that Soonyoung and Wonwoo are standing in Jun’s hotel room, looking very confused and extremely shocked as they listen to Jeonghan pour his heart out.

“Oh, fuck.” Jeonghan whispers.

“Jeonghan, what the hell is happening?” Soonyoung demands. Wonwoo silently perches himself on the couch, waiting.

“It’s a joke -”

“It’s not a joke. What’s going on?” Soonyoung crosses his arms.

“Soonie, don’t force him into this.” Wonwoo scolds. Soonyoung shoots him a glare.

“I want to know what’s going on. We’re all supposed to be friends, aren’t we? Why can Jun know, but we can’t?” Jeonghan knows he’s not trying to be mean. He’s hurt. Jeonghan understands that. But he doesn’t know if he has it in him to tell his friends the mental torture he’s currently going through.

“Soonyoung, it’s not like that.” Jeonghan steps all the way into the room and lets Jun close the hotel room door. Soonyoung looks like he’s about to cry and Jeonghan absolutely can’t let that happen.

“Then what is it like? Seungkwan was right. You guys are acting weird and it’s making me worried. I miss seeing you guys the way you used to be. And it’s been awkward and scary for so long. What happened?” Soonyoung is practically pleading with his words.

Jeonghan looks between Wonwoo and Soonyoung, trying to decide exactly what he should say here. He could start from the beginning. Or he could explain his crisis for the day. Either way, he’s going to have to explain. He takes a deep breath, trying to still the trembling in his entire body. Everything is about to be fucked up and there’s no taking it back.

“I realized something very major today,” Jeonghan begins. “And it’s scaring me, because I think I’ve known for my entire life and just haven’t wanted to admit it. And I don’t know what to do.” A lump is forming in his throat. “If you want me to tell you, I’ll tell you. But I mean it with every fiber of my being when I say that you can’t tell anybody else. Please.”

“Of course we won’t tell anyone.” Wonwoo’s voice is so genuine and gentle that the lump in Jeonghan’s throat grows tenfold. He can’t cry. Not right now.

“We won’t.” Soonyoung agrees. The anger is melting from his features, replaced by curiosity and concern. Jeonghan glances at Jun, who gives him an encouraging nod.

“I’m gay.” The words explode from him like he can’t possibly hold them in any longer.

The silence that follows makes him start to panic almost instantly. Tears are welling in his eyes at an alarming rate and his chest begins to heave.

“Jeonghan… Hannie…” Soonyoung breathes.

“I think I’m in love with Joshua. And Seungcheol. Both of them. What am I supposed to do about that?”

“Oh, god…” Wonwoo covers his mouth with one hand, eyes the size of dinner plates.

“We all kissed each other, Won. I kissed Joshua and he kissed Seungcheol and Seungcheol kissed me. We were drunk. And now they both regret it and I’m absolutely screwed because I don’t know how to talk to either of them and neither of them are talking to me.” He can’t stop himself now. He sounds childish, hysterical.

“Jeonghan.” Soonyoung is starting to tear up with him.

“I want to take it all back. Can you imagine me telling my insanely homophobic father that I’m gay? And not only that I’m gay, but I love two different boys?” Jeonghan’s chest hurts and he wants so badly just to open his mouth and scream as loudly as he can.

Soonyoung crashes into him, hugging him to his chest as tightly as he can. Jeonghan lets go of everything that’s been building in him for two months. He sobs loudly into Soonyoung’s shoulder. Someone else back hugs him, rubbing their thumbs against his ribs in an attempt at comfort. Jeonghan holds handfuls of Soonyoung’s shirt in his hands, trying to get himself under control. He holds so tightly that he can feel his fingernails through the fabric, digging into his palms.

“Hannie. It’s going to be okay. I promise it’s going to be okay.” Wonwoo rumbles against his shoulder. All Jeonghan can do is sob again, the sound muffled by Soonyoung’s shoulder.

***

He cries until he literally feels like a dried-out prune. They’re running late for dinner. Seokmin has already come to the room to look for them and Jun has turned him away, promising they’d be out as soon as they could.

They’re still standing in the middle of the room. Soonyoung is still holding him, rocking the two of them back and forth slightly. Wonwoo has let go in favor of going to retrieve Jeonghan’s makeup bag.

“I love you so much.” Soonyoung hums, squeezing him a little tighter for a moment.

“I love you too.” Jeonghan sniffles.

“I’m sorry I was so harsh. I had literally no inkling that anything like this was happening.” Soonyoung pulls away from him a little, reaching up to rub at his own teary eyes.

“It’s okay. I understand. If you and Wonwoo ever stopped talking to each other and didn’t explain, I would be upset too.” Jeonghan thumbs at a stray tear on Soonyoung’s chin. He’s calming down. He feels slightly lighter now. He’s gotten all this off his chest and now he has two more people to confide in.

“I’ve got them.” Wonwoo strides back in with Jeonghan and Soonyoung’s makeup bags and hands Jeonghan’s off to Jun. They spend the next few minutes fixing their makeup and trying to look less like they’ve been crying their eyes out. In the end, Jeonghan still looks rough. His eyes are slightly bloodshot and his eyelids are puffy. Even with makeup, you can still tell he was crying. Honestly, he doesn’t care at this point.

They all ride in Jun’s car to the restaurant. Everyone is already seated outside and have their drinks.

“Hey! We were wondering if you’d ever make it!” Minghao cheers as he sees them walk up. His face falls a little when he sees Jeonghan’s expression, but Jeonghan forces a smile and Minghao lets it go without asking what’s wrong.

He eats like he’s never had a meal in his life. He thinks it’s because he’s felt so on edge and emotional all day.

“Hungry?” Chan giggles at him. Jeonghan can’t help but give a genuine grin back.

“Yeah. Really hungry.” He replies.

***

Dinner goes by without a hitch. Jeonghan manages to act like an emotionally stable human being, nobody makes Joshua cry, and Seungcheol is eating, slowly but surely. When they’re done, they wander slowly back down to the beach and find the tiki bar.

“I plan on getting plastered.” Jeonghan coughs. Minghao raises his eyebrows.

“Alrighty then.”

“That’ll be fun to see.” Seungkwan laughs, linking his arm with Jeonghan’s. They’re standing in line, waiting to order drinks. Seungcheol and Mingyu have elected not to drink, so they’re down by the water. Mingyu is crouching by the darkened shore, shining his phone flashlight at the water.

“He’s looking for crabs.” Minghao snorts.

Jeonghan orders a long island iced tea and twirls away toward the shore while he sips. He locates Seokmin and glues himself to his back.

He gets drunk probably way too fast. Three long island iced teas later, he’s singing at the top of his lungs with Seokmin and Seungkwan, occasionally tripping on the sand and cackling. He feels like liquid. No bones, no worries.

“Another!” He cheers as he holds up his empty cup.

“Maybe slow down a little.” Mingyu laughs, holding him upright. Jeonghan presses a wet kiss to the taller boy’s cheek and trips toward the tiki bar. He orders another long island iced tea and returns, humming happily.

“So why were you guys so late, anyway?” Minghao questions out of nowhere. Jeonghan takes a long sip of his drink.

“Everything is shitty and I had a breakdown.” He shrugs like it’s no big deal. Mingyu and Minghao share a look.

“Why?” Mingyu asks.

“It doesn’t matter. Minghao, what are you drinking?” Jeonghan feels amazing. Who needs Seungcheol or Joshua? Speaking of Seungcheol, he’s a few feet away, holding Chan’s seashell collection in his hands while he looks for more shells. Joshua is down by the shore with a drink in his hand, laughing so hard he’s doubled over.

“Hannie, it matters because we love you.” Minghao says. Jeonghan takes another sip of his drink and shrugs one shoulder.

“I’m fine. Don’t worry. Hey, you guys should move in together. Why don’t you live together? You’ve been together a long time. You need to move in and get married and get a dog and adopt kids -”

“Alright, let’s slow down. Don’t get another drink after this one.” Minghao points at his half-empty cup.

***

Jeonghan does not listen. He finishes his drink and has another one before Minghao finally takes his wallet. By the time he’s finished with his last one, he’s barely able to walk and his head is spinning. He laughs at anything everyone says, even if it’s not really funny. He builds a messy sandcastle and loses his mind laughing when a tipsy Soonyoung walks through it on accident.

“Alright, I think it might be time for you to go to bed.” Jun says as Jeonghan jumps on his back. Jeonghan takes a deep inhale of Jun’s hair, complimenting him on his shampoo choice. Jun hooks his arms around Jeonghan’s legs and hikes him further up his back.

“I don’t want to go to bed.” Jeonghan pouts. Everyone else is starting to wind down around them. Minghao is dragging Mingyu through the sand toward their hotel. Chan is asleep on Seokmin’s back. It’s late and everyone is tired.

Jun carries him back up to his room. Jeonghan wants to cry as soon as they get in the door. Seungcheol is shaking the sand out of his shoes on the balcony and Joshua is pulling on a long-sleeved shirt, face flushed with alcohol and eyes sleepy. He grins lazily at Jun.

“Hi, Junnie.”

“Hi, Shua. You look tired.” Jun deposits Jeonghan on the bed and starts taking his shoes off for him. Jeonghan whines, kicking his feet. In the back of his mind, he knows he’s being difficult. But he’s tired and sad and he doesn’t want to be here.

“Junnie, can’t I come sleep with you and Jihoon?” The sound of his own voice is annoying to him. Jun meets his eyes. He looks torn between sympathetic and authoritative. He stands up straight and pinches Jeonghan’s cheek.

“You need to stay in here and get some sleep. If I let you come sleep with us you’ll irritate Jihoon well into the morning.” Jun isn’t wrong, but Jeonghan knows he’s also just making excuses. “Goodnight, Han.”

“Goodnight,” Jeonghan mumbles. “Traitor.” He adds when Jun is out of earshot. The other boy says goodnight to Seungcheol and Joshua and escapes, giving an apologetic wave to Jeonghan as he slips out.

Now it’s just the three of them again. The awkward silence blankets the room, stifling. Seungcheol is smoking on the balcony. He’s changed into joggers and a hoodie and he looks like sleep personified. Jeonghan wants to sidle up next to him, sap the heat from his body, and fall asleep cradled in his muscly arms.

“You still haven’t quit?” He slurs. He’s up on his feet before he can stop himself and then he blinks and he’s on the balcony. Seungcheol stiffens. He exhales a lungful of smoke and taps the ashes off on the rail.

“No.” The single word seems to take all the effort in his body.

“You’re going to kill yourself that way, you know.” Jeonghan wants to stop himself from talking, but he can’t seem to shut up. Seungcheol doesn’t say anything in reply. He averts his gaze to the water and takes another drag.

None of them do or say anything for the next few minutes. Seungcheol finishes his cigarette and drops the butt into a cigarette tray on the little table outside the sliding glass door. Jeonghan shifts to the other side of the balcony so he can peer over the side at a group of people still on the beach. They’re clearly as drunk as he is, cackling loudly and trying to drag each other to the water.

“This is so stupid.” Jeonghan coughs a sarcastic laugh. Seungcheol blinks in surprise. Jeonghan rolls his neck. Oh, god. He has to stop. He has to turn around and march himself into the bathroom and take a freezing cold shower to sober up. Now is not the time to spill his feelings.

“What?” Seungcheol asks. Jeonghan silently begs him to take it back. His drunk brain is in control now.

“All of this. Us tiptoeing around each other and pretending we aren’t all suffering. It’s stupid as fuck. I’m goddamn miserable. I want to be out of his room and far away from both of you. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about. You both act like I’m going to snap and beat you up any second now. I wish I’d never kissed either of you.” He’s essentially snarling. His voice has risen to shouting level.

Seungcheol takes it all, standing stock still. Jeonghan switches his attention to Joshua, who is sitting straight-backed on his cot, teary-eyed and staring at the wall opposite himself.

“Don’t act like a fucking kid, Joshua. You were part of this too. I kissed you and we both kissed Seungcheol and it was the worst thing that ever happened. Admit it. Both of you regret it just as much as I do.” Despite the fact that he’s yelling at Joshua for tearing up, his own eyes are welling and his throat is on fire.

Joshua’s eyes swing to meet his. Jeonghan falters a little at the absolute hurt there. The pain resting on his face.

“I do regret it, Han. I lost both my best friends the second we stepped out on that balcony. I’ve been dying inside ever since. Don’t you understand that? I want to take it back and pretend it never happened. I was determined to act like it never happened and go back to the way we were, but that first day we saw each other again, you both acted like we’d never met each other.” Joshua is yelling now too, voice just shy of sobbing. “Being in this room with both of you is like someone has ripped my still-beating heart out of my chest and tossed it in a blender. We used to spend every waking second together. I’ve had nobody. Seungkwan’s been mad at me for not telling him what’s wrong, so he’s mostly been avoiding me. And since Hansol is his boyfriend, he’s been avoiding me too. I’ve never felt so alone in my life.” He finally breaks down, slumping and burying his face in his hands. This should have been the point that Jeonghan apologized. Explained his feelings in a better way. Held Joshua and wiped his tears. But he’s fired up. He’s drunk and on a roll.

“Yeah? Well I’ve felt the same way. Seokmin has been begging me to tell him what happened this entire time. We had this massive fight and I almost moved out. The only reason we made up is because I promised him I’d suck it up and room with you two to try to fix this. But it’s not fixable. It’s never going to be fixable. I’m in hell.” Jeonghan heaves a sob, hugging himself.

Seungcheol is still frozen in his spot, blank-faced. His eyes stay on the horizon. He has his hands shoved in his hoodie pockets, but Jeonghan knows, distantly, he’s probably having a silent panic attack. When Seungcheol is quiet and unmoving like this, something is wrong.

“What the hell is going on in here?” Wonwoo’s voice cuts through the room like a knife.

Joshua pulls himself upright and literally bolts from the room, brushing past Wonwoo’s shoulder. Jeonghan drops to a crouch, clutching handfuls of his hair. God, he’s made it worse. He’s fucked it up so, so badly.

“Seungcheol?” Wonwoo’s voice rises in pitch. Jeonghan forces himself to peek through his arms. Seungcheol is shaking so badly that Jeonghan can see it. He’s vibrating. His face stays blank. Wonwoo shifts his attention to Jeonghan. “Han, what happened?”

Jeonghan, unable to form an answer, just sobs again and falls back on his ass. He folds himself into a little ball where the wall meets the railing. He can’t get a full breath and his lungs are heaving. Stars are dancing behind his eyelids, dizzying and terrifying.

“Jeonghan!” The voice sounds like it’s far away, underwater. He understands then that he’s blacking out. Try as he might, he can’t stop it. All sound fades slowly into the distance and he loses consciousness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahhhhh... I love angst.


	5. Confessions and Comfort

***Joshua's POV***

Joshua sits on the beach, folded over on himself. The wind is blowing gently across his neck and it’s making him shiver. He’s not crying anymore. He’s spent the last ten minutes doing so and now he just feels like a damp dishcloth that someone wrung out and tossed on the clothesline. His skin is too warm and too cold. His head hurts, but he’s numb.

One of the two men he’s in love with has basically just crushed his soul to dust and blown it out over the ocean.

He was so determined to make this trip work. A small part of him believed he would come away with them and find himself patching up their friendship. And in his wildest dreams, he’d admit to both of them that he was in love and they’d hold hands and walk down the shore at sunset with no cares in the world.

But Seungcheol hates him, Jeonghan hates him more, and his own family hates him the most. His father does, anyway. This has been the case since two weeks prior, when he sat both his parents down and told them he was gay. He’d been begging the universe to let the confession go right. His father would hold him and tell him it was okay. Instead, he was told never to come home unless he could take back what he said.

“Shua.” A gentle voice floats down the beach on the breeze. It takes all his strength to lift his head. Hansol is coming towards him, barefoot and carrying a blanket in his hands. Joshua blinks, slowly, and watches until Hansol finally gets to him. He plants himself down in the sand at Joshua’s side and wordlessly drapes the blanket around Joshua’s shoulders.

Joshua lets his head drift back down to his knees, too tired to keep it upright. He feels Hansol’s hand rest on his back, a welcome weight.

“I’m sorry I avoided you until last night.” His deeper voice comes again. Joshua squeezes his eyes shut tight enough to see fireworks. He knew he shouldn’t have let those words slip. Seungcheol or Jeonghan has told them everything he said. He’s positive Seungkwan is probably even more hurt than Hansol is right now.

“It’s okay.” He manages to say.

“It’s not okay. You needed me and I wasn’t there for you. I’m supposed to be one of your best friends. We’re roommates, even. You’re supposed to be able to talk to me about anything. I’m supposed to know what’s wrong and help you. I just… got caught up in how Seungkwan was feeling. He was upset that you weren’t talking to him, so I found myself being upset too. It was stupid.”

“I should have told you how I was feeling. It’s not entirely your fault.” Joshua counters. Hansol sighs, stroking Joshua’s back.

“Listen… it’s not too late to tell me how you’re feeling. I know something’s wrong. It’s kind of obvious now. Especially since this is your second night in a row having a breakdown. You can tell me anything. You know that, right? There’s nothing you could say to make me love you even a little less.”

Hansol’s words make Joshua’s eyes well up yet again. He wants to punch himself.

“I told my dad I was gay.” He says. Hansol’s hand pauses on his back.

“You’re gay?” He asks in a hushed tone. Joshua nods into his knees.  
“I’ve always known I’m gay, but I was terrified to tell anyone. Especially my parents. But I just couldn’t keep it from them. You know how I am. I feel guilty when I’m dishonest. So I told them and just hoped he wouldn’t be mad. But he was. He was so mad.” Joshua finds himself crying forcefully again, chest caving in.

“Oh, my god. You’ve been sitting on that this whole time?” Hansol sounds choked up for the first time literally ever, and it startles Joshua so much that he can’t help but pull his face from his knees just so he can see Hansol’s face. Tears catch the moonlight as they snake down his cheeks.

“I had to. I didn’t know how to tell any of you.” Joshua sniffles. Hansol, lightning-fast, pulls him into his own lap and holds him close to his chest.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting and I didn’t realize.”

“It’s okay.” Joshua buries his face in Hansol’s shirt. He’s crying with pure relief now. He’s not alone. He’s okay. Someone is here, holding him and caring about him. Someone else knows he’s gay and there’s a small part of his heart that feels lighter, even if it’s just a minuscule amount.

***

Joshua ends up telling him everything beginning to end. He’s been in love with Seungcheol and Jeonghan since they met. He tells him about the kissing and the fact that they’ve been avoiding each other. He tells him about the words Jeonghan was hurling at him. He feels a little better with each confession. Not good. But better.

Hansol continues to hold him. He cries with him, talks to him, and tells him he’s sorry countless times.

“I’m so tired.” Joshua finally states, releasing a deep breath. Hansol hums.

“It’s really late. I’m sure someone is wondering where we are. Do you think you want to head back? We can figure out what’s going on. I’m sure Seungkwan would let you room with us, at least for now. Shua, I know you probably don’t want to, but -”

“I’ll tell him everything. I promise. I shouldn’t have kept it from either of you.” Joshua promises. Hansol cracks a smile, smoothing down Joshua’s hair.

He ends up getting piggybacked to the hotel. He’s terrified to go up to their floor. He’s positive there will be chaos and he’s not prepared to deal with it. Maybe everyone will have gone to sleep and he can be carted off to Seungkwan and Hansol’s room, where it’s safe.

But his hope is short-lived. The door to their room is cracked and he can hear lots of talking inside. Hansol nudges it open with his foot.

There’s a huddle around a lump in the covers. Minghao, Mingyu, Seokmin, Chan, and Jihoon all look up like they’ve been caught. Joshua can only assume it’s Seungcheol under the covers.

“Where’s Kwannie?” Hansol asks, shifting Joshua on his back.

“He, Wonwoo, Soonyoung, and Jun took Jeonghan to Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s room.” Mingyu replies. Hansol nods his thanks and backs out the door, letting it slide to where it had been previously. He continues down the hall to Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s room. Joshua’s stomach clenches up with nerves as Hansol knocks.

Soonyoung answers the door. His eyes are puffy like he’s been crying and he just steps aside when he sees them.

Jeonghan is sitting in the middle of the bed, eyes closed and knees drawn to his chest. He almost looks like he’s asleep. Seungkwan, Wonwoo, and Jun are perched close to him, talking to him softly like he’s a baby. They stop when Hansol and Joshua come in. Jeonghan opens his eyes at the silence and he and Joshua immediately make eye contact like he sensed they were in the same room.

Joshua feels himself crumbling again. All he can do is let his face drop to Hansol’s shoulder and pretend like he isn’t there. He doesn’t have the energy to cry again, but his brain is damn near trying to make it happen.

“Sollie. Hey. I was about to come looking for you.” Seungkwan says. Joshua hears the squeak of the bed and footsteps pad over to them.

“Hey. Shua wants to talk to you about some stuff. I was wondering if you wanted to come back to our room.” Hansol tries to keep his voice low, but Joshua knows everyone else in the room is listening too.

“Yeah. You go ahead and I’ll be right there.” Seungkwan replies.

Hansol takes Joshua back to their room and deposits him on their bed. Joshua burrows into the covers. He feels cold and damp and icky. He wonders if he could ask Minghao for a bath bomb.

Hansol produces a makeup wipe and hands it over, allowing Joshua to wipe all his makeup off. It makes him feel a little better. Just as he’s wiping off one last streak of foundation, Seungkwan enters the room. He kicks his shoes off and takes a few deep breaths before he looks at Joshua.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Joshua responds, feeling smaller than ever. Seungkwan pads over to the bed and burrows under the covers beside him. Hansol clears his throat and perches on the end of the bed, legs crossed.

“So… you said you wanted to talk.” Seungkwan’s eyes are dancing over his face, probably taking in the ugly tear stains and how puffy he looks. It can’t be pretty.

“Yeah. I have a lot to say that I probably should have said a long time ago.” Joshua is suddenly really nervous. He tries to calm himself. This is his friend. He’s safe.

“I’m listening.” Seungkwan reaches over and grabs his hand, squeezing it between both of his own.

Joshua opens the floodgates and starts rambling, so fast that he wonders if Seungkwan can even understand him. He starts with the kiss and spirals from there. Seungkwan listens in complete silence, tucking one of his hands under his cheek and clutching Joshua’s hand with the other.

When he gets to the part about being gay and telling his parents, Seungkwan’s eyes glisten with sympathetic tears. He sniffles and dabs at his eyes with the sheets, but he doesn’t interrupt.

“-And that brings us to tonight. Everything sucks and I feel like I might die at any moment.” Joshua huffs a watery laugh. Seungkwan closes the gap between them and tangles their legs. He wraps both arms around Joshua and pushes the older boy’s face into his chest, threading his fingers through Joshua’s hair.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you so hard to talk.” Seungkwan can barely talk with how much he’s choked up. Joshua lets warm tears soak into Seungkwan’s shirt. He’s so happy to be held.

“I should have communicated. But I bottled it up and now I can’t stop crying like a fucking baby.” Joshua chuckles.

Seungkwan lets him cry until he can’t anymore. When he’s done, Seungkwan pulls back a little so they can look at each other. He tries to smile comfortingly.

“You can sleep in here tonight, okay? But tomorrow you need to try to work it out with them. It may not happen, but you have to try.”

“Okay.” Joshua isn’t willing to try, but he agrees anyway. Anything to be able to stay out of that hell hole for one night.

“How was Jeonghan?” Hansol asks, patting one of Seungkwan’s ankles.

“Not great. He passed out after Joshua left. Too much alcohol, too much panic, not enough deep breathing.”

“He fainted?” Joshua sniffles, worried.

“Yeah. I can tell he wishes he never said all that stuff, Shua. Try not to take it all to heart. He was drunk and he’s been having a hard time. Mingyu says Seungcheol was having a panic attack too. The poor guy. He can’t just have one night of peace.” Seungkwan sighs wistfully, playing with a piece of Joshua’s hair.

“Alright, well I think there’s been enough emotional trauma for one day. Let’s go to bed. Please.” Hansol, already in his pajamas, stretches.

“I have to go get some pajamas.” Joshua sighs.

“Do you want me to go?” Seungkwan asks.

“Nah, it’s okay. I think the other guys are still in there anyway. It’ll just take me a second.” He rolls out of bed and reluctantly slips out the door and down the abandoned hallway.

Seungcheol is out of hiding now. He instinctively looks up at the sound of Joshua coming in. Joshua feels a pang in his chest at the expression on his face. His eyes are glassy and the tip of his nose is pink. He looks wrecked and devastated, much like Joshua feels. For just a second, Joshua thinks he catches a glimmer of hope, but it's gone as Seungcheol looks away.

“Hey.” Minghao smiles at Joshua, clearly tired but trying to show otherwise.

“Hey. I just came to grab some pajamas.” Joshua digs around until he finds his clothes. He bids them all goodnight and escapes before anyone can say anything else. When he gets back to Seungkwan and Hansol’s room, they’ve fixed the bed and turned all the lights off. They have a movie playing on TV. Joshua throws his pajamas on as fast as he can and returns to crawl over Hansol so he’s lying in the middle of them.

There, snuggled between them, he feels more at peace than he has for the last two months of his life. He feels loved. He falls asleep to the sensation of Hansol against his back and Seungkwan petting his hair.

***

The next morning, Seungkwan wakes him up as he sings and dances around the hotel room, getting ready. They’re supposed to spend another day at the beach and maybe the hotel pool today. Joshua forces himself to get up and climbs in the shower with Hansol, who passes him the shampoo without another thought.

They lather each other in sunscreen and head for the beach. It’s slightly overcast, but Joshua doesn’t mind. He doesn’t like lying in direct sunlight.

There’s a small group of them already there, lounging on their towels. Chan has bought himself a paddleboard and Joshua can see Seungcheol pushing him out through the waves. Well, at least he’s up and out of bed. He can’t be entirely out of commission.

“Jeonghan’s still in bed.” Joshua hears Jihoon mutter quietly to Seungkwan when he thinks Joshua isn’t listening.

“Is he okay?”

“I don’t know. Mingyu and Seokmin are trying to get him up. I know he’s got to be really hungover.” Jihoon replies.

Joshua discards his shirt and walks out into the water, letting his head fall back and his eyes slip closed at the feeling of the water lapping over his toes. It feels deliciously good against his skin. He opens his eyes at the sound of Soonyoung screaming. Wonwoo is chasing him with a piece of seaweed, wiggling it at him like it’s a weapon.

Maybe things aren’t so bad, Joshua decides. Maybe he was just drunk and overreacting last night.

The familiar noise of Seungcheol squealing catches his attention. Someone with a golden retriever has walked down the beach and the dog is drawn to Seungcheol, as most dogs are. Seungcheol is crouched in the sand, making happy noises as he scratches the happy dog behind the ears and talks to him in a baby voice. Joshua has always loved the way Seungcheol is obsessed with animals. His heart twists painfully.

Yeah, so maybe things are still bad.

“Hey, stranger.” Jun pops up beside him out of nowhere, wrapping his arms around Joshua’s middle and nearly making him lose his balance.

“Hiya.” Joshua grins, enjoying the feeling.

“Hansol mentioned you might be feeling a little lonely lately, so I wanted to come to say hi and that I’m sorry I haven’t been paying attention to you.” Jun squeezes him, looking genuinely sorry.

“It’s alright.” Joshua reassures him, patting his hands where they clasp together on Joshua’s side. “We all had a lot to worry about. I’m just needy.”

“No. You’re human. I’m truly sorry, Shua. The last couple of months have been really strange and I don’t know what happened. But I promise I’m here now.”

“Me too. I haven’t been checking on you like I should.” Without warning, a remorseful Jihoon is hugging him from the other side. Joshua furrows his eyebrows and ruffles the hair on the back of Jihoon’s neck.

“You let me cuddle you yesterday.” He says.

“Yeah, but you and I both know that things haven’t been the same between us. Things between all thirteen of us have been shitty.” Jihoon deflates against him, worming his head up under Joshua’s chin. It’s uncharacteristic and it makes Joshua frown.

“It’s alright, Hoon. I feel like things will get better soon.” He doesn’t fully believe his own words, but they seem to comfort Jun and Jihoon for the time being. They finally release him. Jun grabs his wrist and drags him knee-deep into the water.

***

Jeonghan doesn’t appear until lunchtime. Mingyu and Seokmin are with him, walking on either side like they’re his bodyguards. They approach completely dressed for lunch and round them all up so they can go eat.

Joshua studies Jeonghan while he’s not looking. His hair is pulled back in a ponytail and he’s wearing dark sunglasses. Joshua assumes it’s because of the sun, but he also thinks Jeonghan is probably still hungover and has puffy eyes from the night before. Judging by the way Mingyu and Seokmin seem to be observing him, waiting for something to happen, he thinks Jeonghan must still be upset.

They go to eat at a seafood place on the same beach. It’s sunny, bright, and painfully hot now, so it feels good to sit underneath a huge umbrella with a cold drink. Despite sitting across the table from Jeonghan somehow, Joshua feels peaceful and calm.

“Seafood is triggering.” Mingyu whines from Jeonghan’s side. Joshua can’t help but laugh at the pout on his lips.

“They have other stuff.” Seungcheol leans over and points at the meat section, reading off some of the options. Mingyu brightens, wiggling in his seat at the sight of ribs listed on the menu.

“Hannie, what are you going to get?” He turns to the smaller boy at his side, waiting patiently for an answer. Jeonghan bites his lips together and flips the pages of the menu for a second before he shrugs.

“I don’t know. Nothing sounds great, to be honest. Maybe I’m just not hungry.” He keeps his voice low. Mingyu frowns deeply.

“You need to eat something.” Jeonghan takes a deep breath and nods a little, flipping back through the menu, more slowly this time. Mingyu, clearly still distraught, leans over closer to him. Joshua knows he should stop listening, but he can’t help himself. “Do you feel sick? Or are you just upset?”

“I’m alright, Puppy. Don’t worry about me.” Jeonghan forces a smile and presses a kiss to his cheek. Joshua can tell Mingyu doesn’t want to let it go, but he sighs and goes back to his own menu anyway. Joshua tunes into Seungcheol and Minghao’s conversation instead. It’s not on purpose, but because they’re having a completely different conversation than the rest of the table, he listens subconsciously.

“Did you think about what we talked about last night?” Minghao asks. Joshua can’t quite hear, but he thinks Seungcheol might make a noncommittal noise across the table. Minghao sighs and reaches across the table to pick his hand up and hold it. “I know you don’t really want to. But maybe you should just consider the pros and cons. It could be really good for you, especially now.”

“What are you gonna eat, Shua?” Chan chirps on his other side. He grins and starts explaining what he plans on ordering. Chan listens with great interest, always genuinely caring about what he has to say.

***

After lunch, everyone is tired and sleepy. They head back to the hotel. Joshua assumes he’s going back with Hansol and Seungkwan, but at the last second, Chan and Seokmin drag him off to their room. He hasn’t even been in here yet, but it’s sort of a whirlwind of clothes and toiletries strewn all over the place. Joshua picks up for them a little before he flops onto their bed, stomach full.

“So a lot’s been going on.” Seokmin sits beside him. Chan’s metaphorical ears prick at this and he abandons the facemask he was studying in favor of standing in the bathroom doorway to listen to what’s going on.

“Yep.” Joshua agrees, suddenly a lot more on edge. He stares at the ceiling, waiting for the next blow.

“You wanna… tell me your side of the story?” Seokmin asks. Joshua chews on the inside of his cheek.

“Well, I think there’s something kind of important I need to tell you both.” He sits up so he can look at both of them. Chan comes closer, sitting on the floor beside Joshua’s legs. He perches his chin on Joshua’s knee, listening.

“You can tell us anything.” Seokmin promises, reaching for his hand. Joshua knows he can. He realizes that now. He lets his head rest on Seokmin’s shoulder and looks down at their intertwined hands. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous.

“I’m gay.” He says. Chan springs from the floor as soon as the words leave his lips and drops himself in Joshua’s lap, hugging him tightly around the neck. Seokmin gathers them both in his arms. They don’t talk for a second.

“Did you tell your parents?” Chan asks tentatively, voice muffled by Joshua’s shoulder.

“Yeah. It didn’t go well.” Joshua mumbles. Seokmin makes a painfully sad noise and nuzzles his nose against Joshua’s hair in an attempt at comfort.

“How do you feel?” Chan asks. Joshua closes his eyes, letting himself be calmed by the younger boy’s voice.

“I don’t know. Good and bad. Terrible, because I don’t know if my dad is ever going to talk to me again. Any of my family, for that matter. But I feel good because I’ve been keeping this to myself for such a long time. It feels nice to get it off my chest.” He talks slowly, determined not to let himself get choked up. He’s done enough crying to last him a lifetime.

“Well, you know we love you. We’ll always love you.” Chan’s voice is wavering a little and it’s making Joshua’s heart ache. Joshua rubs his back.

***

They end up cuddling for a while, tangled together on the bed on top of the covers. It’s too hot to get under them. Joshua is once again hit with a wave of happiness at the fact that he’s being snuggled and babied, despite the fact that he’s older.

He’s about to nod off to sleep when Seungkwan comes in and rallies them all. They’re all going back down to the beach. Joshua sort of wants to decline, but he gets up anyway and goes back out. It’s cooling down a little now that it’s past noon, but it’s still hot and sticky. He takes his towel and lounges under a free beach umbrella. He’s satisfied watching the rest of them run around.

“Mind if I sit?” Wonwoo appears next to his towel, looking just as thrilled to be out in the sun. Joshua pats the empty spot next to him and Wonwoo spreads his towel out and stretches out beside him. Neither of them talk, happy to sit in each other’s silent company. Joshua sees Seungcheol light a cigarette out of the corner of his eye. He wants more than anything to get up, rip it from his hand, and stomp it out in the sand.

“What time did you finally get to sleep last night?” Joshua asks Wonwoo. The taller boy stretches toward his toes.

“Pretty late, I guess. Jeonghan was having a really rough night.” He flips over onto his stomach. “What about you? I know you were having a pretty bad night too.” His voice is laced with curiosity and worry.

“I’m alright.” Joshua is lying to Wonwoo’s face, but he isn’t about to have a deep conversation out on the beach, where there are several other families. Wonwoo doesn’t seem to believe him, either, but he isn’t one to pry, so he just pins Joshua with a look and drops his head down onto his folded arms.

***

They stay out on the beach for the rest of the afternoon. Joshua swims with Mingyu and Jun for a little while and plays chicken until he’s laughing so hard his stomach hurts. He pushes all negative thoughts away for the moment, determined not to be upset for the rest of the afternoon. He also tries not to think about the fact that he might have to go back to his own room tonight.

By the time they drag themselves back to the hotel, they’re bone-tired, hot, and ready for dinner. It’s an unofficial date night, so all the couples are going out by themselves. This leaves Jun, Jihoon, Chan, Seokmin, Seungcheol, Jeonghan, and Joshua to figure out dinner on their own. Chan and Seokmin are discussing room service in the elevator and Joshua thinks it’s not that bad an idea.

“Hey.” Seungkwan catches him by the arm as they step out and takes him to the side. “Are you going to be okay in your guys’ room? I bet Seokmin and Chan would let you hang out with them.”

“I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll just stay in our room and order food and see what happens.” Joshua wants to scream, ‘god, no, I can’t stay in our room’, but Seungkwan deserves to have a good date night with Hansol without having to worry about how any of them feel.

He slips into their room, expecting the worst. Seungcheol has beat him to the shower. Jeonghan is sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over on his phone. He must know Joshua is the one at the door, because he makes no move to give a greeting.

Joshua sits on his disheveled cot and gets his own phone out. He scrolls the hotel’s menu, thinking about what he wants to eat. He supposes if Jeonghan or Seungcheol plan on getting room service, too, they’ll have to talk to each other to place the order. He finds himself spacing out, worrying incessantly about what he’ll say when the time comes.

“...shua… Joshua…” He’s vaguely aware that someone is saying his name. A large hand touches his shoulder, shocking him out of his stupor. Seungcheol is standing beside his cot warily. His hair is damp and his cheeks are pink from the hot bathwater. “Hey. Sorry. I was just saying I was going to order room service. Did you want to get something?” He’s talking hurriedly.

“Oh, yeah. I was going to ask you that, actually.” Joshua rubs the back of his neck and Seungcheol follows his hand with his eyes. He stops, dropping his hand back to his leg. Seungcheol used to stop him from doing that all the time.

“Jeonghan?” Seungcheol barely looks at Jeonghan as he says his name. Jeonghan makes a small noise in agreement. Seungcheol asks them to write down their order and he’ll call room service himself. Jeonghan grabs the hotel memo pad from the bedside table and scribbles down what he wants. He gets up to pass it to Joshua, avoiding eye contact and holding it by the tips of his finger so they don’t touch. Joshua writes his own order and passes it to Seungcheol. He watches the oldest pick up the phone and politely put in their request. He smiles and nods even though he’s on the phone and they can’t see him - a quality Joshua has always found cute.

“Do you want to shower first?” Jeonghan asks as Seungcheol hangs up the phone. Joshua blinks, surprised that Jeonghan is even speaking to him.

“No, you can go first.” He replies. Jeonghan pads into the bathroom. Joshua feels the tightening in his chest loosen a little now that he’s out of the room. He’s still terrified to be in the room with Seungcheol, but he doesn’t think he’ll get yelled at. Seungcheol curls up under the blankets, facing away from him, just a lump under the comforter.

Joshua pulls his laptop out to work on his book. He wonders, briefly, is Seungcheol still wants to edit for him. At this point, he might take back what he said. Joshua wouldn’t blame him. Still, he hopes Seungcheol still wants to do it, if not for him then for the money. Seungcheol is a perfect editor and Joshua really doesn’t think he’d be comfortable finding someone new. He thinks back to the night before last, when Seungkwan pointed out that Joshua never made Seungcheol his editor. Did Seungcheol talk about it? Was he hurt that Joshua didn’t pick him? Guilt floods his chest.

“Hey, Seungcheol?” Joshua finds himself calling. He regrets it immediately. He should have kept his mouth shut. Seungcheol turns over just enough to look at him, blinking owlishly. Joshua swallows the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry. About the other night when I said I didn’t mix work and friends. I didn’t… I wasn’t trying to say we aren’t friends. And I’m sorry if it hurt you that I didn’t pick you in the first place. I just thought maybe it might hurt our friendship if I were to have you as my editor and we got into an argument.” He knows he’s rambling. Seungcheol is just listening, seemingly terrified, as if he couldn’t break all of Joshua’s bones just by poking him too hard.

“Oh… it’s okay. Seungkwan just takes things the wrong way. Don’t worry about it.” He laughs nervously.

“Are you sure? I just… never mind. I’m thinking about it too hard.” Joshua shakes his head, forcing out a mostly-empty chuckle.

“It’s fine. Really.” Seungcheol says. Joshua nods, unable to find words, and Seungcheol rolls back over to resume scrolling his phone. Joshua shifts on his cot and resumes typing, trying to focus. He technically told himself he wouldn’t work while he was on vacation, but writing soothes him in a way. It’s his creative outlet.

Jeonghan returns with his wet hair in an incredibly messy french braid. Joshua studies it while he fixes the covers. He used to be the one to braid Jeonghan’s hair, twisting the strands with extra care and attention. He loved doing it.

Joshua writes until their food arrives and answers the door when it gets there. Seungcheol and Jeonghan sit up in bed. Jeonghan turns the TV on and wordlessly scrolls the channels before he finds a Disney movie. He puts it on and doesn’t even have to ask if they want to watch it, because he knows they do. They used to watch Disney movies together whenever they got the chance.

Joshua eats his food on the floor, sitting at the little coffee table in front of the couch. He feels like a little kid, eating and watching a Disney movie on the floor. He might as well be eating dinosaur chicken nuggets and drinking out of a sippy cup.

When he’s done, he sneaks off to the bathroom to take a bath. He runs the water and washes his face while he’s waiting for the tub to fill up.

He climbs into the hot water and slides down until it’s up over his chest. He bites back a satisfied moan and lets his eyes close. The water feels amazing. It’s exactly what he needed for his aching back and the stress tension in his shoulders.

He stays in the bath until the water gets cold and his fingers are completely shriveled up. He half considers running a brand new bath, but decides he probably shouldn’t and gets out. He dresses, feeling slightly better about life, and goes back out into the room. Seungcheol and Jeonghan are still watching the movie, but there are two more bodies occupying the room. Jun is squished between Jeonghan and Seungcheol in the bed, already in his pajamas. Jihoon is in Joshua’s cot on his phone.

Joshua crawls in behind him and forces the other boy to be little spoon, facing the TV. Jihoon settles back against him without protesting. Joshua, cozy and content, presses his face into the back of Jihoon’s neck and closes his eyes. Exhausted, he’s already falling asleep to the sound of Lilo and Stitch playing in the background.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joshua makes me so soft,,,


	6. Skinny Dipping and French Braids

The next day, they actually get up in time to eat the continental breakfast before they load up and head to a shopping center. Today he’s riding with Soonyoung, Wonwoo, Seungcheol, and Jihoon. Jihoon is crammed in the middle of him and Seungcheol, acting like he isn’t mildly nervous about it. Seungcheol has decided to let Wonwoo drive his truck again.

“How was your date last night?” Joshua asks Wonwoo and Soonyoung, trying to make the air in the car less heavy.

“It was really good! They had this really cool fountain that Wonwoo almost fell into.”

“I didn't almost fall.”

“Really? So you didn’t scream and throw your entire wallet into the fountain?” Soonyoung teases. Wonwoo jokingly shoves him to the other side of the car, but Joshua can see the fondness in his eyes.

“Anyway, we had this really big lava cake thing for dessert. You’d love it. Cake, ice cream, chocolate… just a dream, honestly.” Wonwoo sighs wistfully. Soonyoung grins at him and Joshua is floored at the absolute adoration in his eyes. Soonyoung loves just listening to Wonwoo talk.

“And how was it after you got back?” Seungcheol wiggles his eyebrows, a mischievous on smirk his lips. Wonwoo reaches back and whaps him on the leg, showing no remorse as Seungcheol yelps in surprise. Soonyoung is glowing even brighter red through his sunburn.

“You didn’t hear them? Through the wall?” Jihoon adds into the jabs, grinning devilishly. Wonwoo leans back to whap him too, but Jihoon dodges it, laughing maniacally. Wonwoo makes eye contact with Joshua in the rearview mirror, like he’s waiting for a third comment. Joshua just smiles and Wonwoo smiles back, clearly thankful.

They pull into the shopping center a few minutes later. They’re the first to arrive, so they sit in the car for a while. Seungcheol tells Wonwoo he’s proud of how well he can drive the truck. Wonwoo replies that nobody has faith in him.

“How’d you sleep? Did I keep you up with my rolling over constantly?” Jihoon nudges Joshua in the arm, startling him out of a slight daze. Joshua shrugs and leans against his shoulder, worming his nose into the smaller boy’s neck despite his squirming.

“I slept fine. It’s nice listening to the ocean.”

“That roll-away bed doesn’t hurt your back?” Soonyoung asks.

“Nah. You know I can sleep anywhere.” Joshua replies.

“Josh once fell asleep on the bathroom counter in a club.” Seungcheol hums from the other side of the car. Joshua flushes, studying his own hands like they’re the most interesting thing in the world.

They’re silent for a moment before Jihoon huffs a breath.

“Okay, I’m sorry to bring the mood down, but I just have to ask. Jeonghan wouldn’t tell us. What did he say to you the other night that made you both freak out?” Immediately, it feels like all the air is sucked out of the car. Joshua sits up straight, holding his breath. On the other side of the car, Seungcheol is just as silent.

“Hoon.” Soonyoung scolds quietly.

“I have to know. It’s killing me.”

“He said it was stupid. All this.” Seungcheol blurts.

“That can’t be all of it. All three of you had panic attacks.” Jihoon argues.

“He said he was miserable around us. He says…” Joshua swallows hard, words caught in his throat. “He said it was unfixable. That we’re unfixable.”

“We all know you kissed each other, okay? So just tell me. Did he say anything about it?” Jihoon looks him in the face. Despite his questioning, he’s calm. Joshua opens his mouth and closes it again. He meets eyes with Seungcheol over Jihoon’s shoulder. He looks just as lost.

“He regrets it. Says it was the worst thing that’s ever happened.” Seungcheol finally breathes, staring Joshua in the eyes as he says it.

“Do you? Regret it?” Jihoon turns to Seungcheol. Seungcheol’s face goes completely blank. He takes a full minute just to look at anything but Jihoon or Joshua. Joshua waits for it. The painful ‘yes’ he knows will come from Seungcheol’s mouth.

Instead, Seungcheol opens the door of the car and gets out, closing it behind himself. He leans against the side of the car with his arms crossed. Jihoon turns back to Joshua, raising his eyebrows.

“And you?” He asks. Joshua looks at Seungcheol’s back. The slant in his shoulders that tells Joshua he’s upset.

“I don’t regret it,” Joshua finally says. He can feel all three people in the car looking at him. “I just wish the after part had gone a little differently.”

**

Shopping goes well for quite some time. They go into each little beach shop and try on the typical fun t-shirts and tacky hats. Joshua ends up with some purchases. He’s having a pretty good time. Everyone is happy. Even Jeonghan is smiling and laughing with everyone else. It almost feels like old times.

Almost.

They’re about to leave for lunch when the sky opens up and rain starts to pour from the heavens. Some of them (read: Seungkwan, Minghao, and Hansol) scream and make a beeline for the cars. The rest of them follow after, slightly slower.

Joshua somehow ends up in the middle seat of the car, soaked from head to toe. Seungcheol is equally as drenched on his right side, grumbling about his shoes. Jihoon is patting his face dry with the neck of his shirt on Joshua’s left. Just being next to Seungcheol makes Joshua’s skin tingle. Their legs are touching.

Joshua is shivering by the time Soonyoung decides to call the others to see what the plan for lunch is. The air isn’t on, but he gets cold easily and his clothes are stuck to his body and freezing.

While Soonyoung talks to Mingyu on speakerphone, Seungcheol silently reaches underneath his seat and produces slightly crumpled but clean hoodie. Without question, he deposits it in Joshua’s lap. Jihoon takes notice.

“Where the hell did that come from?”

“I always keep hoodies in my truck.” Seungcheol replies.

“How come Shua gets it?” Jihoon whines.

“He’s fucking shivering like a wet puppy.” Seungcheol replies.

“You can have it if you want it.” Joshua feels guilty, pushing it in Jihoon’s direction.

“No, no. Jihoon will be fine. You’ll freeze to death.” Seungcheol takes it from his hands, and without warning, gathers the material and promptly shoves the head hole over Joshua’s damp hair. Stunned, Joshua sits still for a moment with the hoodie around his neck. When he recovers, he pulls it the rest of the way on. Before he puts his arms through the holes, he has the afterthought to peel his wet t-shirt off and pull it through the neck hole, dropping it on the floor between his feet. When he looks up, he notices Wonwoo is watching them in the rearview mirror. He wiggles his eyebrows and Joshua sticks his tongue out in reply.

As he settles back, he realizes the hoodie smells strongly of Seungcheol. It’s a warm, musky, familiar smell that almost makes him want to cry. The scent of his cologne lingers around the neck. If he closes his eyes and sits completely still, he feels like he can almost smell heaven.

**

They end up going back to the hotel for lunch. They gather in Mingyu and Minghao’s room and someone picks up a bunch of pizza on the way. They huddle down around the room, watching movies on the TV. Hours after lunch, they start falling asleep one by one. Mingyu and Minghao pass out in bed with Seokmin between them, tucked into each side of him. Jihoon snuggles down at the foot of the bed with one of Mingyu’s hoodies. Chan falls asleep on the floor with his head pillowed on some of Minghao’s clothes. Jun is curled up on the couch like a cat.

“We’ll be napping if you need us.” Seungkwan says as he drags Hansol off toward their room.

“We’ll be fucking, so if you need us, tough luck.” Soonyoung giggles as Wonwoo leads him out. He earns a gentle smack on the arm and a look that could kill.

Somehow, he, Seungcheol, and Jeonghan end up back in their own room. Jeonghan promptly climbs into bed, passed out as soon as his head hits the pillow. Joshua scoots his cot toward the window and lies on his side, watching the rain cascade from the sky into the ocean. Behind him, Seungcheol putters around their room.

He inhales the smell of Seungcheol’s hoodie while he lies there. It’s intoxicating. He can almost picture what it felt like to breathe in the real thing, when he could press his face into Seungcheol’s neck whenever he pleased.

He falls asleep to the smell of Seungcheol and the gentle, cozy sound of the rain.

**

_He dreams of his father. More specifically, the way his father reacted the day he came out. The insults, the yelling, the pushing - it all comes back to him in a painfully vivid way. He’s re-living the experience word for word and moment for moment. His mother sitting wordlessly on the couch while his father calls him every name he can think of. The fear that his father is going to hit him at any moment. Then his dream takes a turn. Instead of getting in his face and pointing to the door, his father grabs him by the shoulders and throws him to the floor. When he opens his eyes, a steel-toed boot is coming at him with alarming speed. This is it. He’s going to die here, on the floor of his childhood home. _

And then he wakes up.

He sits up with a jolt, a scream catching in his throat. He feels a cold sweat clinging to his forehead and the back of his neck. The room is pitch dark. Someone has turned the lights and the TV off. He can hear Seungcheol snoring quietly in bed.

Joshua feels painfully hot and claustrophobic. He clambers off the cot and gravitates toward the balcony door, sliding it open silently and walking out into the night air. Automatically, he feels like he can breathe easier. It’s cool outside and there’s a breeze. It feels late, but he can see people down on the shore, dotted here and there with flashlights and phone screens. It’s quiet, apart from the waves crashing gently against the shore.

He leans against the rail and closes his eyes. There’s still a slight trembling in his fingers that he can’t seem to ditch.

“Everything okay out here?” Jeonghan’s voice behind him has him jumping in fear. He clutches his chest, trying to help his racing heart.

“Jesus. You scared the shit out of me.” He breathes.

“Sorry. I just woke up and saw the door opened and I thought you’d been kidnapped for a second.” Jeonghan is being oddly chatty with him. Joshua briefly wonders if he’s gotten drunk while no one was looking.

“Oh, I’m sorry if I woke you. I just had a nightmare, so I wanted to come get some air.” Joshua rubs the back of his neck. Jeonghan walks out to stand beside him, bracing his hands on the railing and leaning over to look below. There are some noisy high-school aged kids walking underneath them toward the hotel door.

“So don’t be mad at Seungkwan,” He starts. Joshua’s heart leaps into his throat. He feels the color drain from his face. “But he told me you came out. To be fair, he was just making that face he makes when he has a secret he’s trying to keep and I tricked it out of him. Like I always do.”

“Oh.” Is all Joshua can say. His pulse has spiked to a high rate and he almost feels like he’s going to panic. Jeonghan stares out at the waves, looking deep in thought.

“Did you tell your dad?” He asks after a minute. Joshua just nods. He can’t trust his voice. “How did he take it?”

Joshua pulls at the string on Seungcheol’s hoodie, trying to put together how to word it.

“It wasn’t pretty.” Is what he settles on. Jeonghan makes an indecipherable noise and drops his cheek into his hand.

“Your mom?”

“Didn’t say a word. I’ve tried to call her a few times, but she won’t answer.” Joshua replies.

“Seungkwan told me that you didn’t tell them until the other day. Why not tell your roommates?” Joshua can’t help but get a little lost in Jeonghan’s voice. He’s been longing for the long, deep chats they used to have until well into the morning.

“Neither of them were really talking to me over this whole situation. Besides, I didn’t want them.”

“Huh?” Jeonghan looks at him.

“I didn’t want them. After I broke the news, I automatically wanted you or Seungcheol.” He doesn’t know why he’s telling the truth, letting it drift from his mouth like a cloud and float out over the ocean. Silence follows it.

“I would have answered. If you called, I mean.” Jeonghan all but whispers.

Joshua doesn’t know what to say. In fact, his breath is caught in his throat. He swears time has slowed to a crawl.

“Why didn’t you tell us? Back before everything.” Jeonghan speaks again before Joshua can form a response. Joshua reaches to hold onto the balcony and notices he’s shaking again. He swallows the thick lump in his throat.

“I don’t know. It just never felt like the right time to tell you.”

They stand beside each other, staring out at the water.

“We should go skinny dipping.” Jeonghan suddenly states, nodding like it makes total sense. Joshua furrows his eyebrows.

“What?”

“Remember? When you, me, and Seungcheol made that bucket list on my phone? Skinny dipping was on there.”

Joshua doesn’t know what to say. Why is Jeonghan suddenly acting all buddy-buddy with him? Is this the calm before the storm?

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“The best time to go. Look, the beach is completely empty.” Jeonghan motions to the now-empty shore. No more flashlights. Just complete darkness. Joshua opens and closes his mouth like a beached fish.

“Seungcheol’s asleep.”

“So let’s wake him up.” Jeonghan is already going back into their room. Joshua follows after him, still highly confused, and closes the balcony door behind himself. Jeonghan sits hard on the bed, making it wiggle. Seungcheol doesn’t stir. Jeonghan turns the lamp on and reaches out to pat him on the back. Joshua stands and watches, wondering if he’s having a dream. What the hell is happening?

Seungcheol wakes, sleepy eyes blinking at Jeonghan and then at Joshua. He looks as confused as Joshua feels, and also a little terrified.

“What’s wrong?” He asks immediately. Leave it Seungcheol to automatically worry that something is wrong. He sits up, rubbing at his eyes with his shirt sleeve. It’s horribly endearing. Seungcheol is cutest like this - sleepy and warm.

“Let’s go skinny dipping.” Jeonghan repeats. Seungcheol’s forehead wrinkles. He looks at Joshua, a tiny ‘huh?’ coming from his mouth. “The beach is empty. It’s dark. Skinny dipping was on our bucket list. Let’s go.” Jeonghan rises from the bed, locating his flip flops and slipping them on. He grabs a room key and stands beside the door, looking between the two of them expectantly.

“Um… okay.” Seungcheol starts to slide out of bed. The long-sleeved shirt he’s wearing is stretched out around his neck and Joshua can see his collarbones. He longs to press his nose there and breathe deep.

None of them speak down the hallway, nor in the elevator. Jeonghan leads them out onto the sand and they walk down to the water. There’s a chilly wind. Jeonghan kicks his shoes off and then starts on his shirt.

“Hold on,” Seungcheol mutters. “Is this really happening? I’m not dreaming?”

“You’re not dreaming. We’re getting naked and we’re getting in the water right now. Let’s go.” Jeonghan has no trace of a smile on his face. Joshua and Seungcheol share an equally confused look.

“It’s cold.” Joshua mutters.

“The water’s probably warm.” Jeonghan responds. Joshua looks down at his clothes. He’s been naked in front of Jeonghan and Seungcheol before. But it feels different now. It’s like stripping in front of strangers.

He reluctantly kicks his shoes off and shimmies out of Seungcheol’s warm hoodie. He folds it carefully and tosses it on the top of his shoes. Jeonghan is down to his boxers, throwing his sweatpants down into the sand without care. He stops to watch the two of them. Seungcheol is being extra slow, getting his arm caught in his sleeve before he finally gets both arms out.

Then they’re all down to their boxers. Joshua is hugging himself and shivering.

Off in the distance, behind Jeonghan’s head, lightning flashes. It’s not close enough to be concerning, but it’s still breathtaking to see.

“Why are we doing this?” Seungcheol asks, breaking the stillness. Jeonghan takes a deep breath and lets it out, pushing his hair back away from his face.

“If the three of us never go back to normal again, then I want this to be our last memory together. A good memory in place of a horrible one.” With that, Jeonghan shucks off his boxers, kicks them toward his other clothes, and turns to walk into the water. Seungcheol and Joshua watch him. A full moon stands before him, giving his naked body a soft white glow. Joshua looks at the slope of his bare shoulders. The curve of his hips. Every inch of his skin is flawless.

“Well,” Seungcheol mumbles. “I guess we’re doing this.” He pulls his own boxers off, almost tripping over them, and drops them into the sand. Joshua’s eyes follow his retreating form. The moon highlights his broad build, the muscles on every inch of him. He looks like an ancient greek sculpture.

Joshua suddenly gets a strong urge to cry. His heart longs for both of them. He wants to run his fingers along Jeonghan’s skin until he gets goosebumps. He wants to wrap his arms around Seungcheol’s middle and kiss the back of his neck.

“Coming?” Jeonghan calls, looking over his shoulder. His hair, silky and smooth, shines in the moonlight. Joshua blinks back his tears, pulls off his underwear, and follows the two loves of his life into the chilly water.

They don’t speak. They don’t look at each other. They simply wade into the water until they’re belly-button deep. Jeonghan is the first one to stop. Seungcheol stops too, spinning slightly to look around them. Joshua almost feels a little paranoid - there could be sharks out here. He glances back. The shore seems so far away. Has Jeonghan brought them out here to kill them?

“So… by the way…” Seungcheol smooths his hand through the water, watching a little wave roll. “Don’t get mad at Seungkwan, but -”

“How many people did he tell?” Joshua sighs, pressing his fingertips into his eyes.

“He was making his ‘secret face’-”

“I’m never telling the bitch a secret again.”

“So is it true, then?” Seungcheol asks. Joshua opens his eyes. Seungcheol is watching him with curiosity glittering in his eyes. Joshua nods. Seungcheol nods back, going back to watching his little wave in the water.

“His dad didn’t take it well.” Jeonghan offers. Seungcheol raises his eyebrows.

“You knew too?”

"Seungkwan likes to talk.” Jeonghan shrugs. For just a moment, just a single solitary second, it feels like old times. Jeonghan and Seungcheol bantering back and forth. The three of them standing together and not running in different directions.

“How bad are we talking?” Seungcheol asks Joshua. Joshua wiggles his toes in the wet sand. He almost feels like if he has to talk about it again, he’s going to cry. His emotions are running far too high right now.

“Let’s just say it’s going to be a little lonely this Christmas.” His nose starts to burn.

“Oh, Shua…” Seungcheol’s voice drops to a whisper. Hearing his nickname come from Seungcheol’s mouth makes him shiver.

“It’s not just my parents, either. My grandparents won’t speak to me. My cousins are forbidden. Both sides of my family have just cut all contact,” Joshua huffs a wet laugh and tilts his head back to look at the stars glittering above them. What he wouldn’t give to launch himself into the cosmos. “So I’m basically just alone now. Until the other night, I thought I was going to spend my life by myself until I died.”

Hot tears finally spill over onto Joshua’s cheeks and he holds back a heavy sob, covering his face with his hands. A stupid, pitiful noise wheezes from his lungs. He’s burning with embarrassment.

“He was so angry. I thought he was going to hit me. I was so sure he was going to hit me.”

“What?” Seungcheol gasps.

“Joshua, has your father hit you before?” Jeonghan demands.

“No!” Joshua is quick to exclaim, holding his hands up. “No, he hasn’t hit me. I just kept feeling like he was going to that day. I’ve felt that way before. It’s like he’s always thought about it, but some part of him keeps him from going through with it.”

“You know… he reacted like this when you said you were going to be a writer, too. And now you’re successful and he’s fine with it. Maybe this will pass too.” Seungcheol offers, studying his face. Joshua tries to wipe his eyes, feeling much like a child.

“It was different this time.”

For a little while, they just stand in each other’s company. Joshua shivers in the water, although it’s pleasantly warm. Every inch of his skin above water is damp and the breeze blows across it. He’s about to ask if they can call it quits when Jeonghan opens his mouth.

“So before someone blabs it, I’m gay too. Well, bisexual, actually. I don’t really know, to be honest. Sexuality is confusing.”

Seungcheol and Joshua, rightfully astonished, can do nothing but look at him. He seems completely calm while he says it. No trace of tears, or even joy. Joshua has so many questions to ask. When did he realize? Has he told his parents? He doesn’t feel like he can speak these questions into existence.

“Are you… okay?” Seungcheol asks. Jeonghan takes a deep breath and exhales before he rakes his hair back away from his face.

“I mean, I don’t know. I know for a fact that I can’t tell my parents. They’re as homophobic as Joshua’s parents. After hearing how they reacted…” Jeonghan just purses his lips and shakes his head, but Joshua can see the telling signs of him trying to keep himself together. Joshua’s heart aches for him.

“Fuck.” Seungcheol sighs. He sinks down into the water, crouching until he’s neck-deep. He looks tired. The bags under his eyes are prominent.

“What a shitty vacation.” Joshua snorts, trying not to choke up again.

“That’d be my fault.” Seungcheol floats away from them a little.

“It’s not your fault.” Jeonghan sighs.

“I suggested it in the first place. It’s my fault. There’s no disputing.” Seungcheol goes underwater for a moment, popping back up with wet hair that he runs a hand through. It makes Joshua feel a little lightheaded. He sinks down into the water himself, reveling in the warmth that comes with it.

“We all agreed to kiss.” Jeonghan argues.

“It’s still my fault.” Seungcheol responds.

“Jesus, you’re still as stubborn as ever, aren’t you?” Jeonghan smacks the top of the water with his palm, suddenly furious, and turns to walk away from them. Joshua’s heart sinks.

“Stop. Please, stop. We were doing so well. This is the first actual conversation we’ve had in months.” He begs. Jeonghan continues to walk away. Joshua dives forward, grabbing Jeonghan’s wrist. His entire hand tingles when they touch. Jeonghan halts in surprise, looking down at him. “Han. Please don’t walk away.”

Joshua feels as though he can see all the way through to Jeonghan’s soul through his eyes. He can see the pain there. The confusion and the fear. He sees himself there and it hurts him. He doesn’t want Jeonghan to feel the same pain.

“Okay.” Jeonghan says. Joshua rights himself and they drift back over to Seungcheol. Seungcheol holds a hand out, showing them both a tiny fish.

“Did you catch that with your bare hands?” Joshua asks incredulously. Seungcheol stands up and Joshua avoids staring at his abs. He walks over and holds his hands out. Joshua cups his own and Seungcheol drops the fish into them. Joshua eyes the shiny scales on it. All three of them watch it swim in small circles in Joshua’s palms for a little while. It’s peaceful. The sound of the gentle waves. The stillness of the sleeping world around them. Joshua wants to stay here, in this moment, with his two favorite people beside him.

But finally, Joshua brings his hands back down the water and they watch the fish swim away, into the darkness. Jeonghan rubs his biceps.

“We should probably head back.” He suggests.

“Thank god. My balls are going to freeze off.” Seungcheol starts for the shore. Joshua wades after him, grimacing at a gust of wind that licks at his damp skin.

“We didn’t bring towels.” Jeonghan grumbles as they reach the sand. Joshua stares at his clothes in dismay.

“I’m going commando.” Seungcheol pulls on his sweatpants and gathers his other clothes up in his arms. Joshua follows his lead, pulling on nothing but his pajama bottoms. It feels all kinds of wrong, being half-naked and soaked from the waist down.

They get back inside and make their way upstairs. Joshua immediately makes a beeline for the bathroom, grabbing a handful of towels and handing them out.

“I think I’m gonna take a hot shower.” Jeonghan decides, already heading to turn on the hot water. Joshua longs to follow after him. Before, they used to shower with each other all the time. Instead, Joshua locates some dry clothes, pulls them on, layers on Seungcheol’s hoodie, and climbs back into his cot. It’s still slightly warm. He pulls the covers up to his chin.

“I’m still confused about why we had to go skinny dipping in the middle of the night.” Seungcheol mumbles, pulling on a t-shirt and boxers and flopping into bed. Joshua watches him comb through his tousled hair with his fingertips.

“Maybe he doesn’t hate us as much as he did.” Joshua speculates. Seungcheol hums in thought, staring at the closed bathroom door.

Jeonghan emerges a few minutes later, brushing through his long, soaked hair. He looks soft and warm and Joshua wants to push him into bed and curl into his side, leeching the heat from him.

“Let me braid your hair.” He says, sitting up. Jeonghan blinks at him.

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Just let me do it.” Joshua motions him over. Jeonghan perches on the edge of the cot and Joshua sits up on his knees. He makes quick work of it, threading the strands together until he has a neat french braid down his back.

“Thanks.” Jeonghan returns to his own bed, sinking down onto it and reaching to turn the lamp off. Joshua listens to the sounds of him settling into the covers, wiggling until he’s comfortable. They’re blanketed in the pitch black of the room. Joshua closes his eyes, trying to settle himself back into sleep.

And then, from the darkness, comes a quiet, muffled sniffle. Joshua holds his breath, waiting. Another muffled sniffle. He hears shuffling in the bed.

“Are you okay?” Seungcheol asks softly. Joshua sits up on his elbows. Across the room, he can just barely make out the outline of Seungcheol sitting up in bed. He gets up and pads over to turn the lamp on. Jeonghan has his face buried in his pillow. Seungcheol and Joshua share a look. Joshua sits on the edge of the bed. He bites the inside of his cheek, trying to piece together the right words to say.

“Do you wanna talk about it?” He finally asks. Jeonghan’s back heaves, but no sound escapes him. Joshua tentatively reaches out, laying a hand on him. He doesn’t move it, he just rests it there, hoping it communicates to Jeonghan that he’s there.

“Don’t let me keep you awake.” Jeonghan says in a wobbly voice.

“I’m not going to leave you here to be upset on your own.” Joshua replies. Jeonghan’s back heaves again under Joshua’s palm. Silent sobs. Seungcheol shifts a little closer.

“You can talk to us, you know. I know we’re not on the best terms right now, but if you want to talk, you know Shua and I are both here for you. We still care about you.” He sounds so gentle and genuine that it almost makes Joshua want to cry too.

“Can you please just hold me?” Jeonghan whimpers. Seungcheol furrows his eyebrows in surprise. Joshua thinks he’s probably making a similar face. After months of not speaking, a night of yelling, and general coldness toward each other, Jeonghan wants them to hold him?

“Of course.” Seungcheol recovers quickly. Jeonghan starts to move, rolling onto his side. Seungcheol retreats to his side of the bed and Jeonghan moves into the middle. Joshua reaches to turn the lamp off and gets in on the other side. When he lies down, Jeonghan crowds into his front, burying his face in Joshua’s chest. Joshua holds him and he feels Seungcheol scoot until he’s pressed against Jeonghan’s back, spooning him. They fit together like puzzle pieces. Just like they used to.

Slowly, Jeonghan calms down. There’s a wet spot on the front of Joshua’s (Seungcheol’s) hoodie, but he doesn’t care. His breathing starts to even out, and soon he’s asleep, his nose against Joshua’s throat. Seungcheol sounds like he might be asleep too, breathing evenly against the back of Jeonghan’s neck.

Joshua takes in the situation. He’s cradling Jeonghan against his chest. Their skin is flush against each other. Seungcheol is close enough that Joshua can smell his cologne. They’re huddled in one bed together, falling asleep to the sound of each other’s breathing. It’s like they’ve picked up right where they left off.

If Joshua closes his eyes and clears his mind, he can almost pretend like nothing ever happened. It’s the old days, and they’re happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hi! Sorry it's been so long. I kind of ran out of steam with this. I'm trying to write some more, but it's coming slowly. Hopefully there will be more up soon!


	7. Boardwalks and Beach Talks

When Seungcheol wakes up, he immediately knows something is different when he doesn’t automatically feel a sense of dread.

“Um… what the fuck happened?” He hears someone (Soonyoung?) say from somewhere near the door. He cracks one eye open and is met with the sight of Jeonghan’s french braid. He realizes he’s spooning Jeonghan from behind, his arm curled over Jeonghan’s side and their legs tangled together.

“Oh, there was a situation last night,” Joshua replies. Seungcheol lifts his head. Joshua is sitting up against the headboard with his laptop in his lap. He’s clearly been working on his book. Beside him, Jeonghan has his face pressed into Joshua’s hip.

“A situation?” Wonwoo asks, furrowing his eyebrows. He then notices Seungcheol’s awake. “Good morning.” He and Soonyoung are both standing there, very puzzled.

Joshua glances at Seungcheol and his cheeks turn pink. He looks away quickly.

“Yeah, Jeonghan had a little bit of a breakdown last night. It was kind of a strange night.”

“He made us go skinny dipping.” Seungcheol croaks. This only confuses the couple more. Soonyoung’s head turns like he’s a puppy.

“I woke up in the middle of the night. Then Jeonghan woke up and had this weird epiphany where he wanted to go skinny dipping, so he woke Seungcheol up and dragged us down there. Then he had some… news.”

“About him being gay?” Soonyoung blurts. Wonwoo immediately slaps a hand over his mouth and gives him a look that could kill.

“Yeah,” Joshua replies. Wonwoo relaxes, releasing Soonyoung. “Anyway, he seemed okay, and then we got back up to the room and he started crying and asked us to hold him. Like in the old days. And now we’re here.”

Wonwoo rubs his hands over his face.

“You guys a real-life soap opera.”

***

Seungcheol goes back to sleep, tucking himself against Jeonghan’s back again. Wonwoo and Soonyoung ask Joshua if he wants to come down to breakfast with them, but Joshua declines politely, going back to his book.

When Seungcheol wakes again, it’s to the feeling of Jeonghan shifting around. He pretends to be asleep and waits to see what happens. He feels Jeonghan turn onto his back and what he assumes is his arm raising to rub at his eyes. He’s still for a moment. Seungcheol waits for him to fly from Seungcheol’s arms and disappear.

Instead, he rolls over onto his other side and huddles down against Seungcheol’s chest, tucking his head under Seungcheol’s chin.

He swears he just about stops breathing. Jeonghan falls back asleep almost instantly. Seungcheol pops an eye open. Joshua isn’t in bed anymore, probably the reason Jeonghan is seeking other warmth. A quick look around reveals that he’s outside, cross-legged on the balcony and still typing away.

Seungcheol reaches behind himself, very slowly, and grabs his phone. It’s nearing eleven.

As if on cue, someone swipes a key card and enters their room. Mingyu walks in and freezes.

“Holy shit, I thought Wonwoo was lying.” He says in awe. Seungcheol rolls his eyes and asks how he got their key card. Mingyu doesn’t answer and comes to wiggle into the other side of the bed. Seungcheol wants to scream at him to stop. He’s dreamed of cuddling Jeonghan like this again for so long. But it’s getting late in the morning, and if they don’t get up now, the day will be wasted.

Mingyu cooes Jeonghan’s name, patting him on the shoulder. Jeonghan stirs, lifting his head a little. He blinks a few times, groggy. Seungcheol stays perfectly still, heart racing. Jeonghan slowly seems to realize where he is and what he’s doing. He doesn’t bolt, though. He simply sits up quickly, pulling himself away. Seungcheol feels the warmth escape from him. Before, he would have yanked Jeonghan back down and insisted they keep snuggling.

“What’s the plan for today?” Jeonghan asks, rubbing his eyes.

“Well, we were talking about that. We were thinking maybe some lunch, some beach time, and then the boardwalk later this afternoon when the sun’s going down.” Mingyu replies, trying to fiddle with Jeonghan’s hair.

A knock sounds on the door and Mingyu gets up to let in Jun, who bounds and jumps into the middle of the bed.

“Good morning, sleepyheads! Up and at ‘em!” He starts poking at Seungcheol’s sides, earning some whaps to the hands and some very unmanly screaming. Finally, Seungcheol tumbles out of bed and makes a beeline for the shower to escape.

He pulls his shirt off and catches a faint whiff of Jeonghan’s shampoo as he does so. He stops, bringing the cloth back up to his face and inhaling. He can smell both of them. His chest starts to hurt. He tosses the shirt on the counter and starts the shower. Then he starts thinking about Jeonghan pressed into him. Skin to skin. Jeonghan’s breath against his neck.

He turns the water cold and jumps under the spray to get himself back under control. Now is not the time.

He washes quickly and jumps out, toweling off and wrapping his towel around his waist. He brushes his hair and his teeth and does some quick skincare before he goes to find some clothes. Jeonghan is finally up and pulling on clothes. Mingyu is undoing his braid, much to Seungcheol’s dismay. Joshua has returned from the balcony and is sitting on his cot, watching everyone bustle around the room. Seungcheol loves that about Joshua. He observes.

He drives his own truck today. Jeonghan, Mingyu, Minghao, and Seungkwan end up in the car with him. Seungkwan insists that he needs to sit between Minghao and Mingyu, so Jeonghan ends up in the passenger seat again. He doesn’t say much as they drive to lunch. He keeps his eyes out the window.

“Can we stop at that surf shop on the way back?” He asks suddenly. He turns to look at Seungcheol. He’s excited. He’s hopeful. He’s using puppy dog eyes that Seungcheol hasn’t gotten to see in a very, very long time.

“Uh,” Seungcheol blanks for a second, fighting to keep his eyes on the road. “Yeah. Of course.” He says. Jeonghan makes a happy noise and goes back to looking out the window. Seungcheol makes eye contact with Seungkwan in the rearview mirror. He looks just as shocked.

Lunch goes without a hitch. Seungcheol ends up across from Joshua, who looks well-rested and happy. Seungcheol can’t help but stare at him while he talks to Seokmin about what he’s writing currently.

When they’re done, there’s a switch in cars. Jeonghan still ends up in his truck, hopping into the passenger seat without a second thought. He ends up with Joshua too, right behind his seat. Hansol and Chan are in the other two empty seats, looking almost nervous to be in the car with all three of them.

“Don’t forget my surf shop.” Jeonghan says, making eye contact yet again. Seungcheol just nods.

He pulls off into said surf shop and Jeonghan practically bounds out of the truck and into the shop.

“What the hell was that about?” Chan asks quietly as they follow behind.

“He seems not to hate me today.” Seungcheol shrugs. Chan makes a silent ‘what?’ face, but he doesn’t say anything else about it as they go inside.

Seungcheol finds Jeonghan in the shot glass section. He’s looking carefully at each of them, rolling them around to peek at both sides. When Seungcheol walks up beside him, he pauses.

“I saw on their sign that they did custom shot glasses. I wanted to get you one with your name on one side. You know, since you collect them.” And then… he smiles.

Seungcheol’s heart shoots from his chest, up through the top of his head, and explodes into fireworks above him. All he can do is gape blankly at Jeonghan, speechless. Jeonghan is talking to him, smiling at him, and he’s talking about getting him something he likes. He wanted to make this stop specifically for Seungcheol.

“And I also saw these little turtle things at the entrance. It screamed Joshua. I’m gonna have to get him one.” Jeonghan goes back to looking at shot glasses like he hasn’t just dropped a bomb.

He turns on his heel and stumbles back toward their other friends. He must be making a god-awful face, because when Hansol sees him he furrows his eyebrows and rushes to meet him halfway.

“What?"

“He wanted to stop so he could get me a custom shot glass.” Seungcheol breathes. Hansol’s face morphs from concern to confusion.  
“Jeonghan? Our Jeonghan?”

Seungcheol nods. Hansol blinks at him for a second before he pulls his phone out of his back pocket and dials someone without looking at the screen. He puts the phone up to his face and waits.

“Hey, love… no, everything’s fine… listen, did someone drug Jeonghan this morning?... No?... Well, he specifically wanted to stop at a surf shop so he could get Seungcheol a custom shot glass… yes, I’m being serious.” He wanders away, still looking dumbfounded.

“Cheollie!” Jeonghan calls across the shop. All the hair on the back of Seungcheol’s neck stands up and goosebumps rise on his arms. Jeonghan hasn’t called him that since the day they kissed. He glances over his shoulder. Jeonghan races toward him, holding a shot glass. He hands it over. “It has a little beach scene on it. Isn’t it pretty? Do you like it?”

Seungcheol brings it up to look at it. It’s a little hand-painted scene of a beach at sunset. It’s gorgeous for something so small.

“Yeah. It’s really pretty.” Seungcheol nearly whispers. Jeonghan beams, taking it back from him.

“I’m gonna go get your name on it.” He bounces away, hair bouncing along behind him. Seungcheol watches him go. “What?” Chan steps into his peripheral vision. Seungcheol swallows hard.

“He called me Cheollie. And he’s going to get my name put on a shot glass he picked out.”

“Are you drunk?” Chan snorts.

“No, he’s serious.” Hansol is there now, shaking his head.

“Jeonghan? You can’t be for real. He was yelling at you a few days ago. And before that, he was blatantly ignoring you.” Chan scoffs.

"He called me Cheollie.” Seungcheol whispers.

“Oh, fuck. You’re serious.” Chan mutters.

“Is everything okay?” Joshua comes from nowhere, his eyes on Seungcheol’s face. He’s clearly worried, his big eyes wide and his face set in a frown. His genuine care makes Seungcheol ache.

“Seungcheol’s just having a moment.” Chan says for him, trying to push Seungcheol toward the door. Joshua looks from Seungcheol to Chan and back to Seungcheol.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“Cheol! Look!” Jeonghan bounds back up, pushing into the fray. He drops the glass into Seungcheol’s hand, face lit up like the sun. Seungcheol holds it up. His name is written across the back and the year is written under it.

“Oh, pretty.” Joshua comments, looking thoughtfully at the painting on the other side.

“Don’t think I forgot about you.” Jeonghan chirps, holding up a turtle. It’s tiny, about half the size of Jeonghan’s palm. The shell is made from a seashell and the head, legs, and tail are all made from clay and painted in dark blue, Joshua’s favorite color. It has on a tiny hat and a tiny pair of glasses.

“A turtle?” Hansol asks aloud.

“For his desk. In his apartment. He has this little shelf above it and I keep telling him he needs decorations for it. I’m gonna get him this little guy. Shua loves turtles. Right?” Jeonghan meets Joshua’s eyes. There’s a silent moment between them that Seungcheol almost feels bad for witnessing. To be fair, he’s too dumbfounded to do anything but stand there.

“I do.” Joshua replies quietly.

“Good! I’m ready, then.” Jeonghan snatches the glass back from Seungcheol and heads for the checkout. Seungcheol feels like he can’t move. Hansol and Chan move to follow Jeonghan, leaving Joshua and Seungcheol alone. Joshua is in a similar state of upset, his cheeks pink and his eyes a little too glassy.

“He called me Shua.” He says in a small voice.

***

The ride back is practically silent. Jeonghan is smiling to himself in the passenger seat. Joshua sits behind Seungcheol, almost pale. Hansol and Chan whisper amongst themselves, eyeing the three of them as if something is about to happen.

When they return, they find the other two groups already there and prepared for the beach. The remaining five of them rush upstairs to get ready. Hansol and Chan break off from Jeonghan, Joshua, and Seungcheol. Hansol gives him a pointed look, as if to say ‘call me if something happens’, before he disappears into his own room.

Joshua puts his turtle on the coffee table, handling it gently as if it were a real turtle. Seungcheol puts his shot glass on his bedside table, eyes drawn to his own name inscribed on it. Jeonghan, who seems not to notice that the two of them are distraught, pulls his swimming trunks on and spends a few minutes fixing himself in the mirror.

“Shua, will you braid my hair?” He pokes his head out of the bathroom door. Joshua, shocked, stands still for a second before he says he will and races to help him. They stand in the bathroom and Joshua carefully threads Jeonghan’s hair into a perfect braid. Seungcheol sits on the edge of the bed. He feels like he’s traveled back in time. He remembers sitting on his own bed while Jeonghan and Joshua stand in the ensuite, Joshua braiding Jeonghan’s hair and singing harmony to whatever song he’s got stuck in his head that day.

“Earth to Seungcheol.” Jeonghan is suddenly before him, an amused smile on his face.

“Oh. Sorry.” Seungcheol stands from the bed and follows the two of them out the door.

On the beach, they find Wonwoo stretched out underneath an umbrella. Joshua gravitates toward him, practically collapsing next to him on the towel. Seungcheol is happy to see Wonwoo tune into his body language instantly, crowding closer to check on him. Jeonghan drops his things next to Seokmin, jumping on the other boy’s back.

Seungcheol finds himself wandering into the water, where Jun is splashing Minghao ferociously.

“Hey! How was the ride home?” Jun latches onto him, all smiles. When he sees the look on Seungcheol’s face, it slides off. “Seungcheol?”

“It was fine. Sorry. There’s just a lot to unpack.” Seungcheol rubs a palm over his face, suddenly tired. Over Jun’s shoulder, Minghao raises an eyebrow.

“Seungkwan was telling us something about a shot glass.”

“He’s just suddenly acting like nothing ever happened. He’s speaking to me. He’s smiling at me. He’s calling me Cheollie. What the fuck is that about?” Seungcheol has to keep himself from literally shouting, emotions bubbling high in his chest. Jun and Minghao let him rant for a moment. Jun sighs and squeezes him on the shoulder.

“Maybe he’s tired of it all. Maybe he wants things to be normal.”

“He said it wasn’t fixable.” Seungcheol replies, kicking at the water like it’s going to relieve any of his frustration. Minghao and Jun share a look.

“He could have had a come-to-Jesus moment.” Jun counters. Seungcheol feels all the steam leak from him and he crouches to pick up a shell, rubbing his fingers along the ridges to keep himself grounded.

“You could talk to him about it, Seungcheol. It wouldn’t hurt anything. If he’s still mad, then he’s still mad. If he’s not, then maybe you can start to patch things up.” Minghao says, crossing his arms. Seungcheol takes a deep breath and lets it out.

“Maybe.” He says quietly. Jun pats him on the back. “Listen, I’m sorry we’re ruining this vacation for everyone. The crying. The yelling. The drama. We’ve dragged all of you into this. You must be sick of it.”

“You’re our friends. We’re here for you, vacation or not. We put you in that room together for a reason, after all. We knew there would be some drama and a lot of tears, but we were hoping it would benefit you in the end. The best thing you can do to make it up to us is just try. It’s okay if it doesn’t work out. As long as you try.” Jun gives him a hug that he leans into, desperate for it. Before he can say anything, Soonyoung calls for Jun and Mingyu simultaneously runs and jumps onto Seungcheol’s back.

***

They stay on the beach until the sun goes down. Seungcheol takes a nap under the umbrella at one point, lulled by the sound of the ocean.

They’re going to the boardwalk after dinner, so Seungcheol dresses in comfy casual clothes, careful of the sunburn he’s gotten on his shoulders. It’s not horrible, but it’s enough to make him a little uncomfortable.

They walk in their massive group down to the restaurant, thankful for the cooler air. Seungcheol likes the feeling of the breeze ruffling through his hair after being in the sun all day. He can’t help but feel lighter than he did that afternoon.

They eat too much for dinner and head to the boardwalk. It looks just as amazing as it did a few nights prior, all lit up and glittering. The shops at the start are all aglow with warm lights and there’s music playing. Seungcheol buys an ice cream despite being overly full and saunters slowly down the long boardwalk, talking to Soonyoung. There aren't many other people out here with them. The night is slow.

“How are you and Wonwoo?” Seungcheol asks, offering Soonyoung a bite of his ice cream. Soonyoung takes it, swallowing before he answers.

“It’s been really nice. We leave the balcony door open a little at night and fall asleep to the waves, all snuggled up together. I’m going to miss it when we leave. And the sex…” Soonyoung gets a wistful smile on his face, humming a happy noise. Seungcheol rolls his eyes, but he’s a little jealous. He craves that kind of attention.

“What was that about sex?” Seungkwan snorts as he catches up with them.

“It’s wonderful. In the bed, in the shower…” Soonyoung gets a sly look on his face. “We snuck down to the beach the night before last and did it in the sand.”

“Ew. But also, that’s an idea.” Seungkwan looks for Hansol, grinning when he spots the other boy behind them.

“It was fun, but I’m still finding sand in places it shouldn’t be.”

Seungcheol shudders at the thought of Soonyoung and Wonwoo rolling around in the sand in front of their hotel, out in the open for anyone to discover. And yet, the longer he thinks about it, the more he thinks he’d like to try it one day.

“Oh, I meant to talk to you about something.” Soonyoung says, interrupting his thoughts. Seungcheol raises an eyebrow. “Jeonghan said he saw condoms in your shower bag the other day.”

Seungcheol can feel his face draining of color. His pulse shoots to the sky and he literally stops in his tracks.

“Oh. I- uh-” He can’t find words. “I was just-”

“You don’t have to explain yourself,” Soonyoung is clearly amused with himself, mouth curled in mischief. “I’m sure it was out of habit.”

“Yeah… habit.” Seungcheol rubs the back of his neck. In reality, the condoms have been there for a while. He’s definitely had sex before. On drunk nights where girls take him back to their houses. While he doesn’t think much of women, and it’s never satisfying, sometimes he just needs the physical interaction.

“Hoping to get lucky?” Seungkwan wiggles his eyebrows. Seungcheol tries to play it off, laughing and nudging the younger boy with his elbow.

They make it to the end of the boardwalk and Seungcheol leans against the railing. His feet are tired and he’s honestly ready for a good night’s sleep. But the moon is gorgeous where it reflects in the water and the stars are gleaming above them like little gems. He feels content. His stomach is full. His friends are gathered around him, nearly silent. They’re all enjoying the moment.

A sound behind him makes him look over his shoulder. Jeonghan and Joshua are standing a little ways away together, their heads down. They seem to be talking about something in hushed whispers that Seungcheol can’t make out. Jeonghan starts to turn toward him and he snaps his head back to the front, cheeks burning. He doesn’t want them to know he was staring.

“Of course.” He hears Joshua whisper. He finds himself trying to turn his head enough to see them in his peripherals without seeming too obvious.

They’re hugging. Tightly.

His stomach plummets, a cold hand reaching to grab around his heart and squeeze. He finds that he’s lost his breath.

Jeonghan clutches handfuls of Joshua’s shirt. Joshua has his nose pressed into Jeonghan’s shoulder. They’re so close they might as well be one person. They fit together like little puzzle pieces.

Jeonghan steps back first and they look at each other. In the moonlight, Seungcheol can see them smiling at each other. Joshua’s eyes are all crinkled up like they are when he’s genuinely happy. Jeonghan’s pearly white teeth are on full display.

They look perfect together.

Seungcheol feels like he’s intruding on a deeply personal moment. He looks away, throat burning. He finds himself white-knuckling the rail. He can’t catch his breath. It’s as though someone has punched him hard in the abdomen.

“Seungcheol? Are you okay?” Soonyoung asks quietly beside him. So he looks outwardly panicked too. Wonderful. He swallows the lump in his throat and tries to take a deep breath so he can tell Soonyoung he’s fine.

"I have to go.” He coughs instead, pushing off the railing. His feet go on autopilot. Despite being tired, they’re carrying him away as fast as they can.

“Seungcheol! Where are you going?” Jihoon calls after him. He doesn’t stop. There are tears burning in his eyes. He hears someone coming after him and walks faster.

“Cheol. Hey, what’s up?” Jun is practically jogging to try to keep up with him.

“I just want to be alone right now.” Seungcheol’s voice wobbles. Jun must hear the tone in his voice, because his footsteps fade until they’re gone.

He walks as fast as he can until he reaches the end of the boardwalk. His feet scream at him to stop, so he does, dropping to sit down on a bench outside one of the shops. He leans over to press his face into his palms. His own heartbeat is loud in his ears.

They’re in love with each other. They’ve made up with each other and now they’re in love. After all, they’re both out to all their friends. They know how they feel about their sexuality. Joshua has already told his family, so he has nothing to lose. It makes perfect sense. They’re both so beautiful. It was only a matter of time. Seungcheol is too late.

He has no idea how long he sits there by himself, struggling not to burst into tears. His heart aches and he honestly feels like he could puke. All around him are the sounds of happiness. Kids laughing. People talking to each other. Shouts of joy. Everyone around him is so unaware of how fast his world is crumbling.

An eternity later, he feels someone sink down on the bench beside him. A hand comes to rest on his back, a warm and familiar weight. He knows without looking that it’s Seokmin. Fingers stroke up and down his spine. Seokmin says nothing, just sits in silence, letting Seungcheol know he’s there.

Slowly, the tension leaks from his body. He can’t hold it all in anymore.

“It hurts.” He huffs.

“What hurts?” Seokmin asks him in a whisper.

“They’re so perfect for each other. Two perfect, flawless angels. And I’m this… this giant, hulking creature who can’t process emotions or say how he feels.”

Seokmin is quiet for a moment.

“What are you trying to tell me?” He smooths his hand down Seungcheol’s back, waiting.

“I love them both. I’m so, so in love with them both,” Seungcheol bites the inside of his lip. “And it’s clear they like each other and not me.”

“You don’t know that…” Seokmin trails off.

“Did you see them back there? They- they were hugging and making up and the way they looked at each other…” Seungcheol lets a breath shudder out of him.

Seokmin gathers Seungcheol into his arms, allowing the other boy to press his face into his shirt, trying to breathe.

“It’s alright. It’s going to be alright.” Seokmin cooes, rocking them gently back and forth.

***

By the time everyone else gets back to them, Seungcheol is finished with his semi-breakdown. His face is dry, but he knows he has to look like a hot mess. If any of them notice, they’re nice enough not to say anything.

He manages to keep it together when he sees Jeonghan and Joshua. They’re walking together. They aren’t talking to each other again, but they do seem to be deliberately walking close to each other. Both of them look happy.

The trek back to the hotel is torturous. Seungcheol dreads getting back and having to be alone in a room with them.

When they part ways with everyone else, Seokmin gives him a deliberate glance before he goes into his shared room.

It feels different the second they close the door. The air around the two of them is softer. They aren’t chatting up a storm or even interacting, but something has changed without him. He gravitates toward the bed, but he pauses.

“You can take the bed tonight.” He hears himself say. Joshua blinks at him in surprise.

“But your back-” He starts to say.

“Don’t worry about it. You deserve to sleep in the real bed. It’s not fair for you to have to sleep on this thing.” Seungcheol sits on the cot, feeling heavy.

“Really, it’s okay. I can sleep anywhere.” Joshua replies.

“Just take the bed. Please.” Seungcheol reaches down to take his shoes off, barely capable of using his fingers. He feels bone-tired and emotionally wrung out. He’s ready for this day to be done.

It’s silent for a good while. Seungcheol gets into his pajamas and climbs into Joshua’s cot. Jeonghan turns the TV on, but he cranks the volume down low, like he can tell Seungcheol is tired. Joshua flips the lights off. Seungcheol peeks at them and finds the two of them sitting up in the bed, watching whatever’s on the screen. Joshua has a content, kitten-y smile on his face and Jeonghan looks more relaxed than he has in days. Seungcheol squeezes his eyes shut and pulls the blankets up to his chin.

A little while later, he must appear to be asleep, because Joshua starts speaking quietly across the room.

“Do you think he’s okay? He looked a little down when we got back.”

“I don’t know. It’s Seungcheol. It’s hard to tell with him sometimes.” Jeonghan sighs. Joshua hums thoughtfully.

“Do you ever wonder why he came up with the idea? For the three of us to kiss, I mean.”

There are a few beats of nothing but the sound of the air conditioning.

“I have thought about it before, but nothing really makes sense. He’s never… I mean, do you think he’s gay?”

“I don’t know,” Joshua replies. “He’s never really talked about it. Not to us, anyway.”

“He’s definitely slept with women. We know that much. But he doesn’t really say much about it. And it’s rare.” Jeonghan speculates. There’s shuffling in the sheets, like he’s getting comfortable.

“Who knows, really? Seungcheol doesn’t like to share his feelings much. He’s always been the type to keep it to himself until it bothers him so much that he can’t take it. Remember when his grandma died? He didn’t cry about it until like, weeks later. And it was bad.” Joshua sighs.

They’re quiet for a moment. Seungcheol starts to drift a little when Jeonghan speaks again.

“I don’t know. He just frustrates me. Every time I think I can man up and try to talk to him about the whole thing… just let it all be over... I just look at him and my pride won’t let me do it. Shouldn’t he be trying to make it up to us first? It was his idea. But… at the same time, we agreed to it. I could have said no.” Jeonghan rambles for a moment. Seungcheol feels his throat tighten.

A few minutes later, Seungcheol can hear that they’re both asleep. Jeonghan is snoring almost silently. Joshua is breathing deeply. When Seungcheol sits up, his mouth is open a little. They’ve fallen asleep with the lights on. He lies back down and tries to sleep.

***

He ends up in and out of sleep for hours. When he wakes for the millionth time, he looks at his phone. It’s nearing four in the morning. Try as he might, he can’t get back to sleep.

He slides out of bed and pulls on a hoodie. Silently, he creeps across the room, swipes a room key, and slips out the door, twisting the handle as it closes so it doesn’t click shut. The hallway is deserted, as it should be so early in the morning.

He takes the elevator down to the ground floor and strides out the door, down to the sand. It’s cool outside and a little breeze blows across the ocean. It feels amazing. He supposes he could have just gone out to the balcony, but he wanted to feel the sand between his toes.

He sits a little ways away from the water, settling himself in the sand. The sun is starting to rise on the horizon, streaking the sky with little hints of pink and purple.

Seungcheol can’t help it when tears start dribbling down his cheeks. He feels like he’s been torn to shreds. His heart is heavy and there’s nothing he can do to make it better. In the past, he’d just call Jeonghan or show up on Joshua’s front porch. But now they have each other and he’s the outsider.

“How’d I know I’d find you out here?” Jeonghan’s voice behind him makes him jolt. He reaches up to hastily scrub the tears off his cheeks, clearing his throat.

“What are you doing out here?” He asks, coming off a little defensive.

“I could ask you the same thing.” Jeonghan lowers himself to sit beside Seungcheol, stretching before he settles.

“Did I wake you?” Seungcheol asks, drawing a little pattern in the sand with his finger.

“I heard the door close. It’s funny, I didn’t used to be a light sleeper. I guess I thought one of you might take me out while we were on the trip.” Jeonghan huffs a humorless laugh. Seungcheol smooths his design out and starts over. “So what’s up, then? Why are you out here crying at four in the morning?”

Seungcheol can’t find the words to say for a little while. He’s slightly embarrassed about being caught. But Jeonghan is putting him on edge.

“Couldn’t sleep, I guess.” Seungcheol mutters. He can feel Jeonghan watching him.

“So you heard me and Shua talking, then?” He asks. When Seungcheol doesn’t say anything, he just sighs.

It’s kind of peaceful as neither of them talk for a bit. The water rolls gently against the shore and a group of seagulls flies past, chattering in the morning light. Seungcheol has memories of the two of them watching the sunrise on the roof of Seungcheol’s apartment complex.

“About what you said. I am.” Seungcheol blurts. Jeonghan’s eyes are back on his face.

“You are what?”

“Gay.” Seungcheol specifies. Jeonghan seems to be stunned. Seungcheol peeks at his face. There are about a million different emotions there. Seungcheol feels a sob building in his throat and he drops his face into his hands, grinding his palms into his eye sockets.

“Seungcheol.” Jeonghan says gently. There’s a feather-light touch on his shoulder like Jeonghan can’t decide if he can actually touch him.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you.” Seungcheol sniffles. Jeonghan must make up his mind, because he grips Seungcheol’s shoulder, squeezing it.

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not. It’s really, really not,” Seungcheol brings himself up out of his hands. “It’s ruined everything. I lost my best friends. I damaged you. I damaged Joshua. I damaged our entire friend group. I made our vacation a living hell. I’ve been missing the two of you for so long. Do you know how many times things have happened and I automatically reach for my phone to call you?” Seungcheol is sobbing openly now, his entire body trembling with the weight of his emotions.

“Seungcheol.” Jeonghan is crying now too. Seungcheol can hear it in his voice.

“And last night and today you were acting like it was old times. I woke up with you in my arms. You talked to me. You smiled at me. You called me by my nickname. It was like, for just a second, none of it had happened. And I was happy again, until I realized that it’s never going to be the same. How could it be?” Seungcheol pushes a hand through his hair.

“Please-”

“And you and Joshua… I saw you. I know you made up with each other. And I saw how you were looking at each other.”

“What?”

“That look,” Seungcheol digs his fingertips into his forearms, trying to hold himself together. “You looked at each other like you were the only two people in the world.”

“Joshua and I did talk, yes. But I don’t know what you mean. There wasn’t anything different about the way I looked at him. I always look at him like that.”

“Exactly.” Seungcheol huffs a wet, sarcastic laugh.

“Why are you so worked up?” Jeonghan asks.

“I’m a spare part. I frustrate you. You have Joshua and Joshua has you. What could you possibly need stubborn old Seungcheol for?” Seungcheol picks up a seashell and throws it as hard as he can. It splashes into the water. Before Jeonghan can say anything else, Seungcheol picks himself up and starts walking. As he shoves his hands in his hoodie pocket, he feels the shape of his truck key.

“Seungcheol, stop!” Jeonghan gets up to come after him.

“Just go back to the room. Get back in bed with Joshua.” He walks faster.

“Seungcheol Choi!” Jeonghan shouts.

He keeps walking until he’s off the sand and on the pavement. He locates his truck, practically running at this point.

“Where the fuck are you going?” Jeonghan calls after him.

“Go back to bed.” Seungcheol gets in his truck and locks the doors. Jeonghan catches up, banging on the window. Seungcheol starts the truck and pulls away. As he looks in the rearview mirror, he sees Jeonghan standing in the empty parking spot, watching him go.


	8. Arcades and Mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *I listened to Drift Away from the Steven Universe movie on loop while I was writing this chapter, so if you want to know where a lot of the emotion came from, feel free to listen along!*  
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmBB_-2hFqY

Jeonghan has been pacing for hours now. After Seungcheol ran off, he found himself unable to calm down and go back to sleep. Joshua was awake when he returned, and after explaining what went down, he just found himself walking from the bed to the balcony and back again. Seungcheol isn’t answering his calls or his texts. He’s even turned off his location sharing.

“Do you think he went home?” Joshua asks quietly. He’s still in bed, sitting up with the blankets pooled around him.

“Maybe.” Jeonghan sighs, pushing the hair out of his face. He walks back out to the balcony. The sun is up now. The world is awake and Seungcheol is still out there.

“You should shower. We could go down to breakfast.” Joshua comes up next to him, leaning against the rail and stretching like a cat. Jeonghan watches him, not fully focused.

He and Joshua are on good terms now. Things aren’t completely better. But they’ve had a small talk and they’re attempting to work it out.

Jeonghan’s mind wanders to the night before when Joshua approached him.

_“Han.” Hearing the nickname in Joshua’s voice makes him stop in his steps and look over his shoulder. Joshua is treading behind them on the boardwalk, his eyes hopeful and innocent. Jeonghan tells Jihoon to keep going and stays still long enough for Joshua to catch up._

_“Hey.” He says._

_“Hey. I was hoping you and I could talk.” Joshua plays with his own fingers, nervous. Jeonghan clears his throat, tearing his eyes away from Joshua’s face._

_“Of course we can.” He replies. Joshua wanders toward the side of the end of the pier, bracing himself against the old but sturdy wood. They look out across the water for a moment. The moon is to the side of them, but from this angle, they can see the other part of the boardwalk. The lights twinkling in the distance._

_“Today made me feel… weird.” Joshua starts, his voice just above a whisper. Their friends are standing near, so Jeonghan understands that he wants to keep it down. This is supposed to be a private conversation._

_“Weird?” Jeonghan repeats._

_“Yeah. You acting normal. Like nothing had happened.” Joshua doesn’t look at him. Jeonghan’s heart sinks. He knows he was acting bizarre today. He knows it was wrong of him to try to just force things back to normal. But he missed normal._

_“I’m sorry.” Jeonghan’s chin drops._

_“It’s okay. I just…” Joshua pauses and Jeonghan finds himself searching the other boy’s face. He’s biting his lips together, his eyes unreadable. His hair swoops across his forehead in the breeze. Jeonghan longs to brush it out of his eyes and cup his face. “I really miss when things were that way. You calling me by my nickname and talking to us like it was no big deal.”_

_“I miss it too.” Jeonghan sighs, cupping his chin in his hand._

_“Can’t we just try?” Joshua whispers. His eyes shift to meet Jeonghan’s. Jeonghan feels emotion well in his throat. Joshua looks so vulnerable. So hurt. Jeonghan can see the lights of the boardwalk reflected there, alongside his emotions._

_“You want to try?”_

_“Being friends again. Yes. I really, really miss you.” Joshua’s eyes are glassy now with the threat of tears. Jeonghan swallows hard._

_“I miss you too.” He manages to choke out. Real tears well in Joshua’s eyes and he bites his lips together again, still making direct eye contact._

_“Then can we please try? We don’t have to act like nothing happened. But I want to talk to you again. Have normal conversations. Sit side by side without feeling like a bomb is about to go off.” Joshua chokes up, blinking rapidly to keep himself from crying. Jeonghan wants to punch himself in the face for being the source of the tears._

_“Yes,” He whispers. “Yes, of course I want to try.”_

_“But you said,” Joshua sniffles, big fat tears rolling down his cheeks. They glisten. “You said it was unfixable._

_“I didn’t mean it.” Jeonghan is getting emotional now too, seeing Joshua so hurt. “I didn’t mean it, Shua. I really want to fix this.” Joshua’s pretty face is blurry to him now._

_“Are you sure?” Joshua asks, his voice thick. “I don’t want you to say it and take it back. My heart can’t handle another blow. I’m serious, Jeonghan.”_

_“I mean it.” Jeonghan swallows a whimper. Joshua lifts the neck of his t-shirt to dab at his cheeks, letting out a shaky breath. When he’s done, he closes his eyes for a second, breathing in and out slowly. Jeonghan stands trembling in silence, waiting._

_“Then let’s try.” Joshua whispers. A silent sob ripples through Jeonghan’s chest. Before he can stop himself, he rushes forward, crashing into Joshua. His arms go around Joshua’s middle and Joshua hugs him back, pushing his face into Jeonghan’s shoulder. Every inch of them is pressed up against the other. Jeonghan can’t get close enough._

_“I know we have a lot to work on, but can we start hugging like this again? I really missed it.” Jeonghan gives a wet laugh against Joshua’s t-shirt._

_“Of course.” Joshua whispers back._

They haven’t talked much more about it since, but Jeonghan feels slightly more comfortable now. A little less wounded. But his whole conversation with Seungcheol has kind of put some of the edge back.

“He’s back.” Joshua gasps, snapping him out of his reverie. Jeonghan whirls. The door to the hotel room is opening. However, rather than seeing Seungcheol walk in, Mingyu comes in instead.

“Have you heard from Seungcheol?” Jeonghan rushes toward him.

“Well, that’s what I came in here to talk to you about.” Mingyu looks like he’s just been rudely awoken and shoved out of bed.

For a second, Jeonghan assumes the worst. They’ve found Seungcheol mugged in an alleyway. They’ve gotten a call and he’s had an accident. He finds himself starting to panic a little as he waits for Mingyu to speak again.

“He just came to our room and when I opened the door he just went and got in bed with Minghao. He won’t talk to either of us. And he looks awful. I assume it has something to do with,” Mingyu makes a vague hand gesture. “All of this.”

Jeonghan takes a deep breath and launches into his explanation of what happened the night before. He leaves out the details about Seungcheol describing the way Jeonghan and Joshua were looking at each other, much like he did when he explained it to Joshua.

“-And then he just drove off and left me there. And he wouldn’t call me back.” Jeonghan is panting a little at the end, worked up. Mingyu listens patiently, nodding here and there.

“Right. Well.” He rubs his forehead. “I knew he was gay already. He told Seokmin, Jihoon, Chan, Minghao, and I the other day.”

“Has he been crying?” Joshua asks, worried. Mingyu sighs.

“No, but he seems exhausted.” He shakes his head. “Anyway, I’m going to round everyone up for breakfast. You guys should come too. I’ll try to rally Seungcheol and see if I can get him to eat.”

After he’s gone, Joshua turns to Jeonghan, frowning.

“I thought we were finally making progress.” He murmurs. Jeonghan shuffles to pull him into a hug, patting him on the back.

“We’ll get there. Eventually. I hope.”

The two of them shower and get dressed. By the time they get downstairs, everyone else has crawled out of bed and have started eating. Jeonghan and Joshua sit at a table with Soonyoung and Wonwoo. Soonyoung looks like he’s literally fighting to keep his eyes open.

“There’s supposed to be a huge storm today. Might ruin our chances of any beach time.” Wonwoo comments, looking at the weather on his phone. Jeonghan looks out the wide hotel windows and sees that there are indeed huge, dark clouds rolling in over the ocean. He puffs a sigh. They’ll have to find something else to do for the day.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the elevator doors open and Mingyu, Minghao, and Seungcheol enter. Jeonghan nudges Joshua and they discreetly watch the three of them. Seungcheol looks dead on his feet. The bags under his eyes are prominent. It’s as if all the life has been drained from him.

“Damn. Is Seungcheol sick again or something?” Soonyoung comments. This confirms that it’s definitely evident to everyone present that something is wrong.

“Should we try to talk to him?” Joshua whispers to Jeonghan. Jeonghan purses his lips.

“I don’t know.”

They get up to grab food and come back to their seats. Seungcheol, Minghao, and Mingyu have joined their table now. Seungcheol sits between Wonwoo and Mingyu, slowly nodding to whatever Mingyu is talking to him about.

“-I’ll grab you some orange juice too.” Mingyu pats him on the shoulder and glides away from the table, grabbing two plates. He must be making a plate for Seungcheol too.

When Joshua and Jeonghan sit, Seungcheol visibly stiffens. Jeonghan notices him shift a little closer to Wonwoo. He keeps his head down.

“We could go to the mall,” Wonwoo hums, engrossed in his phone. “Or we could go see a movie.”

“This sucks. We’re at the beach and we can’t even go out on the beach.” Soonyoung pouts around a bite of eggs.

“Storms?” Seungcheol croaks.

“Yeah. We’re trying to brainstorm another plan.” Wonwoo replies.

“There’s an art museum down the road.” Minghao announces.

“Hao, I love you. But I don’t really want to look at art on vacation.” Soonyoung pats his arm lovingly and Minghao just rolls his eyes in a fond way.

“Oh!” Wonwoo exclaims. “There’s an arcade a couple of miles away. They have a bar, too. Drinks and games?”

“I like the sound of that.” Soonyoung perks. Minghao makes a noise of agreement. Wonwoo hops from his chair to present the idea to the other table, and judging by the sounds they’re making, Jeonghan thinks it’s a hit.

An hour later, they’re on the road to the arcade. Jeonghan is in a car with Chan, Seokmin, Seungkwan, and Hansol. He doesn’t know who Joshua and Seungcheol are with.

“So. Have you and Joshua made up?” Seungkwan prods as soon as the car door is closed. Jeonghan gives him a look and he shrugs. “I’ve just noticed you two looking awfully buddy-buddy.”

“Kind of. We talked a little last night. I think we’re another step in the right direction.” Jeonghan admits. Seungkwan and Hansol both erupt into cheers and high-five in the front seat. Chan is grinning.

“And what about Seungcheol?” Seokmin asks, sitting forward in his seat to look at Jeonghan.

“We haven’t had the chance. I, uh…” Jeonghan looks out the window. “I tried to talk to him last night and he kind of had a little breakdown. He drove off for a couple of hours.”

“What?” Seungkwan’s smile fades and he twists in his seat, way too engrossed in the drama. Jeonghan clears his throat.

“Yeah. I can’t tell you exactly what he was saying, but he said something about how Joshua and I look at each other -”

“Oh, yeah, where you literally look like you’re star-crossed lovers in a movie?” Seungkwan interrupts. Jeonghan furrows his eyebrows.

“I literally don’t know what you mean. Joshua doesn’t look at me like that.”

“But you admit that you look at him that way?” Hansol looks at him in the rear-view mirror and Jeonghan blanks for a second, words getting caught in his throat. At this point, he doesn’t know who knows what about the situation. He looks at Seokmin and Chan, who are hanging on his every word.

“Look… it’s no secret that I obviously like Joshua.” He says. Chan’s eyes go wide.

“Like? As in -”

“Yes, Chan. I _like_ Joshua.”

“Do you like Seungcheol?” Seungkwan asks. Jeonghan swallows hard. Chan is burning holes in his face.

“Of course I do.” He breathes. Chan’s jaw drops. Jeonghan flips his hair over his shoulder, trying to act like it’s no big deal.

“Joshua does kind of look at you the same way, you know.” Seokmin tells him, resting his chin in his hand. Jeonghan shakes his head at the absurdity, but he chooses not to continue in his argument.

“My head hurts.” Chan mutters, rubbing at his temples.

The arcade is somehow nearly empty when they arrive. It appears everyone else has found something else to do with their vacation while the storms roll in. Jeonghan meets back up with Joshua just inside the doors, where they wait to get wristbands.

“I just want to drink.” Joshua sighs, rubbing at the back of his neck. Jeonghan gently pulls at his wrist until he stops. That used to be Seungcheol’s job, to keep Joshua from self-soothing that way. He always said Joshua was going to rub his neck raw.

They head to the bar as soon as they’re able. Joshua orders a shot of tequila before he gets a real drink, and Jeonghan follows suit. They take their drinks and start searching for games to play. When Jeonghan stands on his tiptoes, he can see Seungcheol half-heartedly playing ski-ball at the other side of the arcade. He’s smiling, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

He finds himself relaxing a little as he, Joshua, and Jun play a racing game together. It makes his heart flutter when Joshua looks at him. He gets a little spark of joy every time Joshua laughs. This is what he’s been searching for. Quality time with Joshua. It would be better if Seungcheol were in on it, but it’s closer to home than he has been.

“How did you beat us both again?” Joshua shouts. He’s grinning though, flashing his perfect white teeth at Jeonghan. Jeonghan finds himself grinning back, jokingly landing a little smack to Joshua’s shoulder.

“I have skills!” He shouts back.

They go back for second drinks and then he and Joshua start playing ski-ball against each other. They’re competing to see who can get more tickets.

“You’re cheating.” Joshua giggles when they step back from the second game and see that Jeonghan has won again. Jeonghan snatches his tickets up, wiggling them in Joshua’s face. The other boy tries to grab them. Slightly tipsy, he stumbles forward into Jeonghan’s arms. Jeonghan drops the tickets, his arms going around Joshua’s waist.

They both stand there, frozen and pressed against each other. Joshua looks at Jeonghan through his eyelashes for a moment before he stands back up, biting back a smile and shuffling a few more inches away. Jeonghan feels like his face is on fire.

“I bet I can beat you this time.” Joshua shoots him a sly, almost playfully seductive look and hits the ‘play again’ button on both their machines.

As Jeonghan reaches to grab a ball, he catches sight of Seungcheol at the farthest end of the machines, watching them. The happiness drops from Jeonghan’s heart and splatters on the ground. Seungcheol looks devastated. He’s a kicked puppy. The sadness is practically dripping from him. It’s rolling off him in waves. He looks away from the two of them, his eyes unfocused as he goes back to listening to Hansol and Chan talk.

“Jeonghan. Hey. You’re losing. Are you okay?” Joshua stands up straight, taking up his entire view, and Jeonghan blinks, his mind blanking for a moment.

“Ah, yeah. Sorry. I guess you win this round.” He tries to smile. As Joshua hits the ‘play again’ button, he reaches down and picks up his drink. He chugs the rest of it, hoping the alcohol will soak straight through to his soul.

Three drinks later, he finds himself feeling a little blurry. He stumbles when he walks. He’s slurring a little. He’s hit his drink limit, but that’s okay. The effect has taken. He clumsily plays games with Joshua and his other friends for a while. He doesn’t look at Seungcheol again.

They’re playing a claw machine game when his stomach lurches. He hurriedly tells Joshua he’s going outside for a second and rushes toward the door. It leads out onto a tall balcony that overlooks the ocean. Jeonghan pushes himself against the rail and leans over in time to empty his stomach completely. He leans back for a moment, still a little shocked that he’s actually puking, and then his stomach complains and he throws up again. While he’s catching his breath, someone gathers his hair into a ponytail, holding it back. He rights himself and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, grimacing when he sees all the bright colors. It makes him retch again. Less comes up this time.

When he’s finally done, he lets himself half-dangle over the railing. He’s worn out now.

“You need some water.” He’s shocked to hear Seungcheol is the one outside with him.

“Oh, just fuck off.” Jeonghan mutters. He knows he’s kind of a mean drunk. He does. But even knowing this, he can’t make himself be nice. He’s tired and frustrated and he doesn’t know how to fix anything.

“I’m just trying to help you.” Seungcheol drops his hair and it floats back down around Jeonghan’s shoulders. He pushes it out of his face.

“I don’t want your help. Mr. I’m-Going-To-Abandon-Our-Conversation-And-Run-Off-In-The-Middle-Of-The-Night.” Jeonghan hisses. Seungcheol doesn’t have anything to respond with. Jeonghan glares at him through his eyelashes.

“Whatever.” Seungcheol sighs. There’s no anger in his voice. He just sounds defeated. He starts toward the door.

“Don’t walk away from me.” Jeonghan says.

“You told me you didn’t want my help.” Seungcheol replies.

“We’re still having this conversation, Seungcheol. Man up and face me. Go on. Tell me how you really feel.” Jeonghan’s volume is rising. He can see Seungcheol’s jaw working and can’t tell if he’s struggling not to cry or struggling not to get mad.

“It’s impossible trying to talk to you.” Seungcheol mutters, looking away.

“It’s not. You open your mouth, you say words.” Jeonghan retorts.

“I’m tired of this.” Seungcheol starts to walk away again and Jeonghan grabs him by the arm, pulling him back. Seungcheol stumbles a little before he shoots Jeonghan a nasty look. Jeonghan almost reels back. It’s rare that Seungcheol is angry. Especially at him. But his drunk self won’t back down.

“Talk.” He says. Seungcheol wrenches his arm out of Jeonghan’s hand. Based the way he’s squaring his shoulders, Jeonghan worries he’s going to get yelled at.

“You want me to talk to you?” Seungcheol growls.

“Yes.” Jeonghan says in kind of a small voice.

“Fucking fine,” Seungcheol rakes a hand through his hair. His cheeks are flushed red. “I’m hurt, Jeonghan. I’m so fucking hurt. It pains me to see you and Joshua buddying it up like nothing ever happened. Why am I so different? Why is it you can’t settle things with me? How come you look at Shua like he hung every star by hand, and then when it comes to me you just blow me off and you can’t find it in yourself to talk things out with me? I heard you last night, Jeonghan. I frustrate you. You still blame me a little for the kiss. And Joshua. Joshua always takes your side. Of course he would come to you first.” Seungcheol pauses to pull a cigarette out of his back pocket and light it. He takes a puff, a little shaky. Jeonghan grinds his teeth together, trying to put together an argument.

“Joshua does not always take my side.”

“Stop fucking lying to yourself.” Seungcheol gives a dry laugh.

“It’s not my fault you make me angry. You’re so stubborn, Seungcheol.” Jeonghan has to admit there’s a little more venom in his voice than there needs to be.

“I always tried so hard. Always. To just give in and let you have things your way. You’re right, I am stubborn. But for you and Joshua,” He starts blinking quickly and Jeonghan wonders if he’s really about to cry again. “I tried to be better. To be more agreeable. And this whole thing. This whole stupid mess. I’ve apologized so much and you just don’t care. I don’t think you want us to be friends anymore, Jeonghan. You have Joshua. Why would you need me?” This is the second time Seungcheol has said this and Jeonghan still doesn’t understand. He just wants to take Seungcheol by the shoulders and shake him. Of course they need him.

Seungcheol finishes his cigarette and drops it, stomping on it. He blows the last of the smoke out through his nostrils and looks Jeonghan in the eye.

“Just admit it. You love Joshua, Joshua loves you, and I’m just a third wheel who ruined your lives.” His eyes, glazed with tears, bore into his soul. Jeonghan opens his mouth to protest, but Seungcheol pushes gently past him to the door, slipping inside. Jeonghan stares after him, chest aching. He needs to go after him. He has to set things right.

Instead, he just turns back to the rail and promptly bursts into tears.

When he gets it together and goes back inside, Joshua is snuggled up against Mingyu’s back, a little red in the face. Seungcheol is nowhere to be seen.

“Hey. Did you throw up?” Joshua asks, brightening when he sees Jeonghan coming. Jeonghan nods.

“Yeah, but I feel better now. Did you see where Seungcheol went?”

“Oh, he went to the bathroom I think. He looked kinda upset,” Joshua blinks innocently at him. “Did something happen?”

“Don’t worry about it.” Jeonghan squeezes his shoulder.

They leave when everyone is sufficiently drunk and they’ve gotten lunch in them. The designated drivers get them safely back to the hotel and everyone splits back into their own rooms for a nap. It’s another couples’ dinner night, so soon they’ll be off doing their own things. Jeonghan and Joshua collapse into bed, but Seungcheol doesn’t come in with them.

“Are you sure nothing big happened?” Joshua asks, sitting up on his elbow. Jeonghan sighs, rubbing at his eyes. His head aches.

“We had a discussion. He heard us talking last night. He’s,” Jeonghan swallows. “He repeated that thing he said last night. Where he was talking about how we didn’t need him anymore.”

“Of course we still need him!” Joshua sits fully up, face morphing from concerned to shocked.

“I know. But I…” Jeonghan shakes his head, staring at the ceiling. “I couldn’t find the words, Shua. I never can. I dropped the ball and I think he’s really, really hurt.”

It’s still for a moment. Quietly, Joshua starts to sniffle. A bolt of guilt shoots through Jeonghan’s chest and he scrambles to sit up and pull the smaller boy into his arms. They sit up against the headboard and Jeonghan shushes him quietly, stroking his hair. He settles his cheek on the top of Joshua’s head, bone tired.

“He must feel so alone.” Joshua whimpers. Jeonghan bites the inside of his cheek to keep from crying again.

“I know.” He whispers.

He doesn’t know how long they sit there. But Joshua finally straightens a little, his eyes puffy and his nose pink. Jeonghan tries to smile, using his thumbs to wipe a stray tear off his cheek. Joshua sighs, scrubbing at his face.

“We should probably think about how we’re going to talk to him.” He mumbles, his voice still a little broken. Jeonghan’s stomach drops and he picks at a thread on Joshua’s pants. He knows he’s right. They do need to talk to Seungcheol. But he’s terrified.

“Right now I just want to take a nap.” Jeonghan says. Joshua nods, clearly just as worn out. They’re both still a little tipsy and now they’re both sad.

They crawl under the covers, facing each other, and Jeonghan puts on a movie. Joshua closes his eyes and Jeonghan takes the time to study his face. The adorable puffiness under his eyes. His high cheekbones and his button nose. His long eyelashes. Joshua is gorgeous. He’s breathtaking. It’s so much that Jeonghan hurts.

“Do you really regret it?” Joshua suddenly whispers. He opens his eyes, searching Jeonghan’s.

“What?”

“Kissing me.” Joshua replies. Jeonghan’s brain goes a little blank. His mouth moves, but nothing comes out.

“I - I mean -”

“Just tell me the truth.” Joshua says, reaching for his hand. Jeonghan focuses on the feeling of Joshua’s skin against his. The way they’re peering into each other’s souls. He takes a deep breath and lets it out.

“No. I don’t.” He breathes. Joshua’s face doesn’t change for a moment. And then, a tiny smile.

“Me either.” He whispers.

Jeonghan’s breath hitches. His heart shoots up through his throat and out his mouth. It launches into space, screaming as it goes.

Is this a confession? Is Joshua telling him what he wants to hear?

“Really?” Jeonghan asks, his pulse racing. Joshua’s smile widens a little. His eyes crinkle.

“Of course I don’t. I’m… Jeonghan, I’m…” He trails off. His eyes flit to Jeonghan’s mouth, just for a moment. Jeonghan’s face flushes. His palms feel clammy. Is this happening? Is this real? He wants to pinch himself. “I’ve missed you so, so much.”

“Joshua…” Jeonghan says it so softly that it’s barely audible.

“Yes?” Joshua is just as quiet.

“Can I…?” He looks at Joshua’s lips. The way they curve into the softest, shyest smile. He recalls the way he felt when they kissed. The feeling of warmth. The feeling of being home after a long, long journey. Joshua was comfort. Joshua was pure happiness.

“Yes.” Joshua is suddenly much, much closer. Jeonghan moves slowly, releasing Joshua’s hand to move his own hand to Joshua’s cheek, cupping it gently. He runs his thumb along Joshua’s cheekbone. His skin is baby soft. And then slowly, carefully, he leans in.

And their lips meet.

That feeling comes right back. Warmth, home, familiarity. His soul fits with Joshua’s like a puzzle piece. Sunshine blooms in his chest and shoots all the way out to the tips of his fingers and toes. This is bliss.

A sharp gasp sounds from somewhere in the room and the two of them shoot apart so fast that Jeonghan almost gets whiplash. He sits up abruptly, his breath caught in his throat.

It’s his worst nightmare.

Seungcheol is standing at the entrance to the room, holding the corner of the wall. His eyes are blown wide. And for a moment, Jeonghan can see it. Pure heartbreak. Pain so deep that Jeonghan can feel it in his own heart.

“Seungcheol.” Joshua starts to get up. Seungcheol’s gaze flits between them for a moment. And then he’s gone. He turns on his heel and quickly leaves the room. Joshua sits down hard on the bed as the door slams shut, leaving behind painful silence.

“Shit.” Jeonghan lets his face fall into hands, replaying the look on Seungcheol’s face over and over. They’ve fucked up. Big time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I'm SORRY. I didn't mean for an update to take so long, I promise! I just completely ran out of steam and went through kind of a rough patch, but I finally got a little bit back to normal and managed to write some more. I promise I'll try to put the next one up quicker. Thank you for being so patient!


	9. Long Talks and Pina Coladas

Joshua is completely alone for dinner. He’s sitting cross-legged on the balcony, watching the waves through the bars on the rail. The weather is calm, but there are big, angry-looking clouds in the sky that are backlit by the setting sun.

He isn’t really sure where Jeonghan went. After Seungcheol saw them and ran off, Jeonghan sort of shuffled out of the room, mumbling something about going to see Jun. When he didn’t come back for a few hours, Joshua figured he was pretty much on his own for the night. So he ordered himself room service and took it all outside to eat in the fresh air.

He can feel himself wanting to have a complete breakdown. After all, after things had been so carefully built back up, they’d been ruined in one fell swoop. He can’t get the look on Seungcheol’s face out of his mind. But he also can’t swipe the feeling of kissing Jeonghan from his memory. He doesn’t regret the kiss, yet again. He just wishes Seungcheol had stuck around so they could talk.

Joshua finishes the last bite of his food and takes his tray inside. He sets it neatly outside the door with a scribbled thank you note and goes to flop on the bed. He presses his face into Seungcheol’s pillow. It had been heaven to sleep there the night before. Seungcheol’s pillows smelled amazing, just like everything else he touched.

Perking, he gets out of bed for a moment to find Seungcheol’s hoodie from before. It still smells just as strong, even after Joshua’s slept in it and left it on a chair for a day. He pulls it on and climbs back into bed.

He’s about to float off to sleep when there’s a little knock at the door. He rises to answer it, rubbing at his tired eyes.

“Hey.” It’s Chan, frowning deeply. Joshua frowns back and motions him in.

“What’s up?”

“I just came to check on you. Seungcheol’s been in our room for a while. He told us about… what he saw.” Chan rubs his arms, obviously feeling a little awkward. Joshua feels his heart rate spike.

“How is he?” He asks. Chan sighs.

“I mean, I can’t really tell. He was upset when he came in and now he’s just kinda… acting like everything’s normal. For our sake, I think. He seems to feel really guilty about ‘messing up’ our vacation.” Chan makes air quotes.

“Well, he and I feel the same then, I suppose,” Joshua sits on the edge of the bed. “I feel bad too. We’re kinda ruining everything with the drama.”

“Oh, stop,” Chan pushes him lightly. “You guys are just having a hard time fixing your friendship. And there are feelings involved. That’s always messy.” He sits at Joshua’s side, looping an arm around his shoulders. Joshua lets himself be coddled for a moment, relaxing. It feels nice to be babied.

“Jeonghan ran off to Jun and Jihoon’s room, by the way.” He says quietly. Chan hums in thought, rubbing him on the shoulder.

“I thought you guys had made up.”

“I thought so too. I don’t really know where we stand now. I mean… after he kissed me and Seungcheol saw… he just ran off. It makes me wonder.” Joshua pinches the bridge of his nose.

“Penny for your thoughts.” Chan comments.

“Does Jeonghan like Seungcheol more than he likes me? Am I just… like… a substitute?” Joshua wonders aloud. Chan makes a snorting noise.

“Joshua. Please. It’s Jeonghan we’re talking about.”

“What does that mean?” Joshua furrows his eyebrows. Chan just shakes his head, getting to his feet.

“I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough. Just try to talk it out with one of them. Preferably both of them.”

Chan leaves soon after and Joshua decides he’s going to take a walk on the beach. There’s a warm breeze calling his name. He makes his way down to the sand and takes his time padding to the water, squishing sand between his toes. The sun is almost completely set now and the sky is a dimming orange-pink.

He walks along the edge of the water for a little while, collecting small shells he knows Chan will like and putting them in Seungcheol’s hoodie pocket.

He wanders back toward the hotel and decides to sit awhile, depositing himself into the sand and leaning back on his elbows. It’s getting dark now. There are small groups of people all around him, talking and laughing. It makes him ache a little bit. He’s here with twelve other people, but he feels completely alone.

“Hey, stranger.” A familiar voice makes him look up. He has to squint, but he finally makes out Wonwoo’s face as the taller boy comes down the beach toward him. Soonyoung is close behind, holding his shoes.

“Hey. How was date night?” Joshua asks.

“Pretty good, I’d say. It was a good night to go out. Everyone seems to have stayed in tonight.” Wonwoo sits down beside him, sighing. He’s still dressed in his date outfit. Soonyoung sits on Joshua’s other side.

“So we’re kind of aware of the situation, but we’d like to hear it from you.” He starts, not even bothering with a greeting. Joshua takes a deep breath and blows it out, lying back until he’s flush with the sand.

“We got back after the arcade. Seungcheol wasn’t around. Jeonghan and I got to talking and we were both still a little tipsy… and we kissed,” Soonyoung makes a little gasping sound like he didn’t already know and Wonwoo gently shoves at his shoulder. “And Seungcheol saw. He ran off before we could talk to him. And then Jeonghan left me in our room and I haven’t seen him since. I thought he and I were finally back to… well, some kind of normal.”

“And how do you feel about it?” Wonwoo asks. Joshua takes a moment to think about it.

“Confused. Kinda hurt. I really want the three of us to be ourselves again. I really miss them. Jeonghan and I were in a friendly place, but Seungcheol… I really, really miss Seungcheol.” He admits. Wonwoo and Soonyoung are completely silent for a second, letting it all soak in.

“You guys need a come-to-Jesus meeting.” Soonyoung mumbles, earning another little shove from Wonwoo. He shoves back, giggling as Wonwoo tips like a bowling pin before he rights himself. Joshua can’t help but smile.

They stay and talk a little while before Joshua goes back with them. Wonwoo says he can spend the night in their room if he wants and Joshua couldn’t be happier. He tells them he’s going to run by his own room and grab some pajamas and he’ll meet them in their room.

And then he opens the hotel room door and runs into Seungcheol.

Literally.

He bounces off the older boy’s chest and ends up on his ass in the hotel hallway, stunned. Seungcheol, eyes wide, rushes forward.

“Oh, god. Shua, I’m so sorry.” He holds a hand out and Joshua takes it, his face flushing. Seungcheol easily pulls him off the ground. He pretends not to be scanning Joshua for injuries. Joshua clears his throat, feeling painfully awkward.

“I was just trying to grab some clothes. I’m rooming with Wonwoo and Soonyoung tonight.” He explains hurriedly. Seungcheol follows him back into their room, looking slightly confused.

“I thought you and Jeonghan were good now.”

“We were,” Joshua is grabbing his pajama pants, scanning for the shirt he sleeps in. “Now I’m not really sure.” Seungcheol doesn’t say anything for a little bit. He watches Joshua rustle around for his shirt.

“Is it because I saw… what happened earlier?” Seungcheol finally asks. Joshua sighs, dropping to his knees to look under the bed. No shirt.

“Kind of. I don’t really know.” He admits.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to walk in on your moment.” Seungcheol is trying to sound cold, but Joshua can hear the hurt underneath. He looks at Seungcheol from his place on the floor. He has his arms crossed and he isn’t making eye contact.

“Seungcheol, we should be the sorry ones.” Joshua says. That makes Seungcheol blink in surprise.

“Huh?”

“I’m sorry that you had to come in to that.”

“Why would you be sorry?”

“Look…” Joshua rubs his forehead. “Based on recent events and the fact that you get upset when Jeonghan won’t talk tells me that you really, really like him. And I’m pretty sure he likes you back. And I’m that awkward middle piece. I don’t think the kiss meant anything, Seungcheol. If that makes you feel any better. I think Jeonghan was tipsy and frustrated and I was there.” He says all of this way too fast, his pulse racing. Seungcheol, dumbfounded, just stares at him.

“Jeonghan likes you, not me.” He finally chokes out. Joshua sits on his knees.

“No, Seungcheol. I don’t think he does.”

“Stop trying to hide the way you both feel for my sake,” Seungcheol starts pacing back and forth, moving his hands while he talks. “I know he loves you. I know you love him. You’re both out. You don’t have to think about how I feel. I just want you happy.” Joshua can hear the way he’s trying not to get choked up and it hurts him.

“Seungcheol, I’m not happy.”

Seungcheol is still pacing, now rubbing his face.

“Seungcheol.” Joshua tries again.

“Just be happy with him. That’s all I want. I just want the two of you to be happy.” There are tears in Seungcheol’s voice now.

“Seungcheol!” Joshua shouts, rising to his feet. Seungcheol stops in his tracks, his eyes wide. Joshua takes a few deep breaths. “I’m not happy. Not without you. How can I be happy without you in my life?” His voice shakes.

“I’m -”

“No,” Joshua cuts him off. “Stop it. You and Jeonghan both are everything to me. Not just Jeonghan. Not just you. Both of you. I’m…” He swallows hard. “I can’t have one of you without the other. The truth surprises even himself, but when he says it out loud, he knows it’s correct.

The quiet that follows makes Joshua’s chest hurt. They’re just boring holes in each other's eyes. Neither of them is even breathing.

“Shua…” Seungcheol breathes.

“Stop saying that we don’t need you.” Joshua feels tears start to roll down his cheeks. “I can’t speak for Jeonghan, but I need you, Seungcheol.”

"What could you possibly need me for?” Seungcheol’s eyes are wet and Joshua can see him trembling from across the room.

“You’re half of my soul. One of the two best friends I’ve ever had. You make me laugh like nobody else can. You make me smile when I feel like the world is giving up on me. You’ve been there for me through all the worst times in my life. You feel like home to me, Seungcheol. You’re warm and friendly and you’re my biggest comfort. You understand me. You see me. I’ve missed you so much these last few months. There’s just this giant hole where you used to be and it hurts. Nothing has been the same.” Joshua is sobbing and kind of shouting toward the end, clutching at his chest.

He closes his eyes, waiting for the next blow. The next denial. He waits to be back at square one.

And then a warm body collides with his. Arms go around his waist and he’s pulled into someone’s chest. He reacts automatically, hugging back and burying his face in this person’s neck. He takes a deep breath.

Seungcheol.

“Joshua.” He whimpers, clutching at handfuls of his own hoodie on Joshua’s back.

They cry together for a few minutes. The aching in Joshua’s chest is soothed for a while. He’s right where he’s wanted to be for so long.

When they’ve both calmed down a bit, Seungcheol pulls away to hold him at arm’s length. He uses one hand to wipe at his eyes, clearly a little embarrassed.

“I’ve really, really missed you.” He whispers. Joshua nods.

“Seungcheol, can we please try to be friends again? I know it’s going to be difficult. Everything is fucked up. But I want to try. I need you.” Joshua starts to get all choked up again and Seungcheol just hugs him once more.

“Please.” He says into Joshua’s shoulder. “Please, let’s try.”

They end up separating for the night anyway. Feeling tons lighter, Joshua finds a different shirt and lets Seungcheol walk him down to Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s room. They hug again and Seungcheol promises they’ll talk more tomorrow.

“Seungcheol?” Joshua calls after him when he’s gotten a few feet away. Seungcheol pauses to look over his shoulder. “Don’t worry too much about Jeonghan, okay? We’ll all be okay in the end. I feel it.”

With an uneasy smile, Seungcheol just nods. Joshua watches him until he gets to Chan and Seokmin’s room before he knocks on Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s door to be let in.

“Did you get lost or something?” Soonyoung asks as he pulls it open. When he sees the look on Joshua’s face, he freezes. “What happened?”

It takes him a good few minutes to recount the events once he’s flopped down in Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s bed. They’re both dumbfounded by the end. Soonyoung’s mouth is literally open.

“Well jeez, if I knew it was that easy, I would have locked the two of you in a room for a few hours to begin with.” Wonwoo sighs, flopping back against his pillow. Joshua manages a laugh, patting him on the stomach.

“I’ve had too much emotional trauma today. I’m tired.” He mumbles. Soonyoung crawls into bed and the two of them sandwich Joshua in the middle. Cradled in a cocoon of warmth, Joshua falls asleep in no time.

The next morning, he wakes up to the sound of Seungcheol’s voice. He keeps his eyes closed, huddling down in the blankets to avoid the cold in the room. Wonwoo liked to keep the air conditioning on all night.

“Well, we could do the pool bar. You know, the swim-up one. It’s supposed to be warm and sunny today.” Seungcheol is saying. Soonyoung makes a noise in agreement. Joshua, still cold, wiggles until he finds warmth, sighing and pressing into Wonwoo’s side. Hands come to stroke through his hair.

“Someone’s tired.” Seungcheol’s voice rumbles against his cheek. Joshua’s eyes pop open. Wonwoo is sitting on the end of the bed. So he’s not curled against Wonwoo’s side. He tilts his chin. Seungcheol smiles down at him, his cheeks pink.

“Oh. Sorry. I thought you were Wonwoo.” Joshua croaks. And yet, he makes no move to get away. Seungcheol just pats the top of Joshua’s head.

“You can go back to sleep for a bit if you want. We’re just talking about what to do today.” He explains. Joshua thinks about it for all of a millisecond before he wiggles his way even closer and buries his face in Seungcheol’s hip. Seungcheol snorts and goes back to stroking his hair. Against his leg, Joshua smiles contentedly.

A few hours later, Joshua heaves himself out of bed (and regrettably away from Seungcheol’s cuddling) and the two of them go back to their own room to get ready for the pool. As soon as the door opens, Joshua’s gaze falls upon a disheveled-looking Jeonghan standing over his suitcase. His eyes zero in on the shirt he’s wearing. Joshua’s lost pajama shirt.

“Hey. Um. Soonyoung and Wonwoo are about to go tell everyone, but I think the plan for today is the pool.” Joshua tells him quietly. Jeonghan nods, digging around for his swim trunks. Joshua and Seungcheol share a look and Seungcheol silently takes his own swim trunks into the bathroom to change. Joshua perches on the end of the bed, watching Jeonghan fiddle with the rest of his stuff.

“I guess I’ll go change in Chan and Min’s room.” Jeonghan finally says in a small voice. As he starts to walk toward the door, Joshua catches his wrist.

“Are you okay?” He asks. Jeonghan doesn’t look at him for a moment. Then there’s a tiny nod.

“Yeah.” He replies. Joshua squeezes his wrist and Jeonghan finally meets his eyes.

“Hannie.” Joshua prods. Jeonghan surprises him by slumping into him, looping his arms around Joshua’s neck and sighing deeply into his hair.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m sorry I’m being such an ass.” He says. Joshua hugs him around the waist, running his hands up and down Jeonghan’s back. He’s partially relieved. At least Jeonghan is interacting with him.

The bathroom door pops and Jeonghan jumps away like he was burned. Without another glance at either of them, he escapes the room. Seungcheol watches after him and gives Joshua a quizzical look, which Joshua returns with a shrug.

He’s in heaven. He has to be in heaven. They’re in the pool and he’s being piggybacked through the water on Mingyu’s back. He’s draped across the taller boy’s skin, all but falling asleep on his shoulder. Mingyu’s holding him under one knee and downing a pina colada with his free hand. The water is warm and smooth and Joshua is several margaritas tipsy.

It’s mostly Seungcheol’s voice putting him to sleep. The low rumble of his tone as he rambles on about work makes Joshua feel weightless. He’s floating on a cloud and Seungcheol is his tour guide.

“Is Shua asleep?” He hears Seungcheol ask. Joshua keeps his eyes closed and his body limp.

“Seems like it.” Mingyu laughs. Seungcheol snorts.

“He really can fall asleep anywhere.” He says. Joshua tries hard not to blush and give himself away.

“So it sounds like the two of you have made up.” Mingyu comments. Seungcheol is quiet for a moment.

“I think so. We’re making progress, anyway.”

“That’s good. A step in the right direction. How does it feel?”

“Amazing. The fact that I can talk to him again without feeling like I’m going to cry is a luxury I’ll never take for granted.” Seungcheol replies. Mingyu hums in acknowledgment.

“And Jeonghan?”

A pause.

“That’s a different story.” Seungcheol mutters.

“Have you talked to him about… you know…?”

“No. I haven’t talked to either of them about it. I don’t think I ever can.”

“Seungcheol. Come on.” Mingyu sighs. “What do you really have to lose?”

“What do you mean? I have everything to lose. I’m so close, Mingyu. I’m about to have both my best friends back. Telling them the truth would completely reverse all progress. What would I do then?” Seungcheol gets a little louder for a second before he clears his throat and gets quiet again. “I can’t.”

Joshua burns with curiosity. What is he keeping from them? Is it the fact that he’s in love with Jeonghan? Or is there something else?

Joshua pretends to stir, groaning and blinking his eyes open slowly. He lifts his chin and sees Seungcheol standing against the wall of the pool with a drink in his hand. His hair is damp and his cheeks are pink and he’s holding a beer in one hand. He looks perfect. Joshua wants to crawl into his arms and inhale the scent of chlorine against his neck.

“Lots of naps today, huh?” Seungcheol cracks a smile. Joshua gives a lazy smile back.

“Is it my turn yet?” Minghao wades over with his drink, tipsy and giggly and flushing from his chest up. Mingyu gives Joshua an apologetic side glance and Joshua sighs, but in a fond way, and slides off his back. He feels a little chilly as he slides back down into the water, but he can’t help grinning as Minghao hops up on Mingyu’s back and starts planting kisses against his ear. They drift away, Minghao talking in a hushed voice.

“I really think they’re going to move in together soon.” Seungcheol comments. He watches them walk away, sipping his beer. Joshua tilts his head.

“Won’t that leave you alone, though?”

“I mean, I could always move in with Jun or something. I just don’t want to be the reason they don’t move in together. I think they’d be really happy if they did. Mingyu still does that thing where he gets all sad and mopey after Minghao leaves our place. They’ve been together so long. I don’t see them breaking up. It just makes sense.” Seungcheol studies the lip of his bottle. Joshua watches him run his thumbnail over the glass.

“You know… now that I’m out and my parents hate me anyway, you and I could just bite the bullet and move in together.” The thought pops out of his mouth before he even has time to process it. Seungcheol, just as surprised, raises his eyebrows.

“What? Really?”

“Why not? I’m sure Seungkwan and Hansol would be okay without my part of the rent.” Joshua glances at the bottom of his glass. Ah, his margarita is gone. It’s the liquid courage talking, then.

“And Jeonghan?” Seungcheol asks. Joshua meets his gaze. There’s an unreadable emotion there. Joshua’s heart sinks a little. So this is about Jeonghan.

“And Jeonghan too, I guess. Then Seokmin and Jun could move in together, maybe.” He replies. “Listen, Seungcheol. If you love Jeonghan, you should tell him.” He blurts. Seungcheol blanches, but doesn’t break eye contact.

“Shua-”

“I’m serious. To repeat your words from last night, don’t think about how I feel. I just want the two of you to be happy.” His eyes burn while he talks, but he says it anyway. “As long as the two of you stay my friends, I don’t care if you’re together.”

Neither of them moves. Joshua senses that there’s someone watching them, but he doesn’t care.

“You have it all wrong.”

“I heard what you were saying, Seungcheol. I wasn’t asleep. There’s something you aren’t telling us. I think you love Jeonghan, and I think Jeonghan loves you. So just talk to each other. I’m begging you. Let’s sort it out and I’ll just… take the backseat. And then we can all be friends again.” His voice trembles.

“No… No, Shua…” Seungcheol’s eyebrows are scrunched together, sad.

“Shua, he’s clearly in love with you, not me.” Jeonghan moves from his place in the shade, wading to stand near them both. Joshua feels his skin heat, and not from the sun. He’s been listening to their entire conversation.

“Stop-” Seungcheol starts.

“Look, just confess to each other, okay? Let’s get it over with.” Jeonghan motions between them. Neither of them says anything.

“I need another drink.” Joshua says.

“Don’t move your ass anywhere.” Jeonghan snaps, pointing for him to stay where he is.

“You’re both confusing the situation-” Seungcheol tries to start again.

“Let’s just spare the explanation, okay? I don’t care if you love each other. I’m fine with it. I just want this whole thing to be over with.” Jeonghan crosses his arms. Joshua senses that there’s anger rising and he wants to shrink away. This is bound to cause a shouting match between his two older friends.

“Would you just listen a second?” Seungcheol’s eyebrows are frustrated now.

“I don’t want to listen, Seungcheol. I want you to tell Joshua what he wants to hear. And I want Joshua to say it back.” Jeonghan is clenching and unclenching his jaw. Joshua feels himself sinking down into the water, his eyes darting back and forth between them.

“You’re such a pain.” Seungcheol barks.

“What, am I ruining the moment? Fine. I’ll fuck off.” Jeonghan turns to swim away, his damp hair whirling. Joshua’s heart jumps into his stomach and he gets back to his feet, struggling to catch up. He grabs Jeonghan’s shoulder, pulling him back.

“Jeonghan, please, stop.” He begs.

“Joshua, for the love of god.” Jeonghan shrugs his hand off. “I’m serious. Go. Forget me. I don’t care.”

“Please, just listen!” Joshua touches his shoulder again. Jeonghan turns, reaches out to grab Joshua’s arms, and shoves him, hard. Joshua tumbles back, cushioned by the water, and his glass goes flying somewhere nearby, splashing into safety. A hush falls over the entire pool.

Joshua feels involuntary tears come to his eyes. He isn’t hurt. Not physically, anyway. But he’s embarrassed, and his best friend has just shoved him across a pool. Said best friend is looking at him in horror, as if he can’t believe what he’s just done.

Frustration and pain race up into Joshua’s chest and he rights himself, rubbing the water out of his eyes.

“Why can’t you just try, goddammit? We’re both trying so hard! Would you just listen to me for a second? Just for a fucking second!” He’s screaming at the top of his lungs before he can stop himself. He hopes to god there aren’t any kids around. He hopes everyone has left, in fact. Because he’s making a complete fool of himself.

Jeonghan visibly swallows hard before he just does a little nod. Joshua shoots a glance at Seungcheol, who nods too. Fighting back the tears that want to escape, Joshua takes a deep breath to ground himself.

“I know you’re in love with each other. It’s obvious. Shut your fucking mouth,” He snaps as Seungcheol starts to protest. “I just want the three of us to be okay again. I know why that’s why things have been weird. You’re both scared to leave me out. It doesn’t matter. I just want you to be happy.”

“Shua.” Jeonghan breathes.

“Please, just stop.” Joshua feels a sad smile come to his face.

“Okay, I’ve had quite enough.” Seungcheol pushes himself off the wall. Joshua starts to quiet him again, but he holds a hand up. “You’re both assuming things, and you’re both wrong.”

“Then how do you feel, Seungcheol? Stop fucking running and just talk.” Jeonghan smacks the top of the water, his face desperate.

“You want the truth?” Seungcheol snaps.

“Yes, you fucking idiot.” Jeonghan retorts.

“Fine. Here’s the truth.” Seungcheol meets Joshua’s eyes. “Joshua Hong, I’m in love with you.”

The world stops spinning on its axis. Joshua feels as though the earth has been yanked from under his feet. He searches Seungcheol’s eyes and finds nothing but honesty.

And then those eyes are gone, aimed at Jeonghan.

“Jeonghan Yoon, I’m in love with you.”

Jeonghan’s mouth starts opening and closing. He’s like a fish. Joshua feels a half-strangled laugh start to bubble in his throat.

“I’m hopelessly in love with both of you. Not just one of you. I’m not just in love with Jeonghan, nor am I just in love with Joshua. I’m in love with both of you. Happy?” Seungcheol is trembling, Joshua doesn’t know whether from rage or fear.

“Seungcheol.” Jeonghan coughs.

“Cheol.” Joshua still hasn’t completely comprehended the words. He’s just staring. Staring, endlessly, at Seungcheol’s face.

Before either of them can react, Seungcheol is heaving himself up on the side of the pool, grabbing his towel, and walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back again! Sorry to end it with a cliff hanger. I also wanted to say that I **finally** went back and checked all my spelling and grammar, so I fixed all those annoying mistakes you might have noticed. Everything should be normal now.


	10. The Truth

“Shit, shit, shit.” Seungcheol chants to himself as he all but runs toward the hotel. He’s still dripping wet and he’s left his stuff at the pool, but there’s no way he can go back for it. His heart is racing so quickly that he thinks he might throw up.

“Seungcheol!” Jihoon is yelling behind him. Seungcheol doesn’t stop. He can’t stop. Jihoon shouts his name again, and then he hears the sound of footsteps grow faster. A yank on his arm has him skidding a little, almost tripping over himself. “Where the fuck are you going?” Jihoon asks, panting.

“Away!” Seungcheol’s voice is strangled.

“They aren’t following you.” Jihoon grumbles, gesturing behind himself. Seungcheol glances over Jihoon’s head and sees that nobody else is following them from the pool area. He can’t see it anymore, but he wonders what everyone else is doing.

“God, Jihoon, what did I just do?” Seungcheol’s knees go weak and Jihoon grabs him around the waist to keep him upright. Seungcheol buries his face in Jihoon’s hair. He smells like hotel shampoo and pool water and heat.

“I thought that was pretty great, actually. All three of you have just been dancing around this entire time, and then you just came and laid it all out on the table like that. Brave.”

“I’m fucked!” Seungcheol feels the urge to cry, but it seems he’s out of tears. Jihoon pats him on the back.

“You aren’t. I think this will really be the start of the three of you making up.” He rocks them back and forth for a moment.

“I need a nap.” Seungcheol sighs.

“No time for napping. You and I are going to pick up lunch for everyone and bring it back.”

“Back?! I can’t go back!” Seungcheol springs out of Jihoon’s embrace.

“You can and you’re going to. Come on.” Jihoon holds up Seungcheol’s shirt. Seungcheol sighs and pulls it over his head. His keys, wallet, and cigarette carton are pressed into his hand. They traipse around the hotel to the parking lot and get in Seungcheol’s truck.

It’s kind of nice, the two of them riding in silence. Jihoon is engulfed in his phone and humming a song Seungcheol doesn’t know - probably one he’s in the middle of producing. This gives Seungcheol ample time to repeat what he’d said over and over in his head like a broken record.

He’d just said it. He’d admitted to loving both of them.

He doesn’t know what made him do it. It might have been the way Jeonghan was so frustrated that he pushed Joshua of all people. Joshua, who cries when he sees roadkill and has never started a fight with either of them. Or it might have been the desperation in Joshua’s eyes or the way he was literally screaming at Jeonghan, which was extremely rare. All he knew was that he suddenly had to say it. He couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“I can hear you thinking,” Jihoon says without looking up from his phone. “Want to talk about it?”

“Oh, just picturing how hard I’m about to get my heart broken.” Seungcheol replies. He presses his lips into a thin line as they pull into a fast-food parking lot.

“But consider this - what if you don’t?” Jihoon retorts.

“Don’t what?”

"Get your heart broken." Jihoon says as if it's obvious.

“How the hell am I not about to get my heart broken?” Seungcheol grumbles. As the drive-thru attendant starts to ask him what he wants to order, he switches to his polite happy voice, ordering in a pitch two times higher than normal. He ends up requesting just a crap ton of burgers and fries. Whatever they don’t finish, Mingyu will devour for them.

“You’re so fucking dumb.” Jihoon doesn’t sugar coat his words as Seungcheol rolls his window up and they pull forward to wait in line. Seungcheol glares. They have a staring competition before Jihoon speaks again. “Truly. Idiotic.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Have a conversation with your two best friends and find out for yourself.” Jihoon waves away his question and goes back to looking at his phone.

They receive all the food, stop for armfuls of drinks, and go back to the hotel. Seungcheol smokes at least two cigarettes on their way back, the stress building in his stomach. He feels his palms get clammy as they get nearer to the pool. He doesn’t know if he can handle being near them.

The boys descend upon them as the food gets set down. All of them are acting like nothing happened, as if there wasn’t just a screaming match and an embarrassing love confession from Seungcheol. Seungcheol claims food for himself and plops into a deck chair, pulling his sunglasses down over his eyes. Someone drops a kiss on the top of his head as they pass. Without having to look up, he knows it’s Soonyoung.

He doesn’t look around for Joshua or Jeonghan, choosing instead to eat his food and listen to his friends have conversations around him. When he’s done eating, he slides down in his chair, crosses his arms, and promptly falls asleep.

“It’s okay, Han. He’s still asleep.” Someone is saying quietly next to him. He realizes he’s slowly fading back into consciousness, the sun warm on his face.

“Did he say anything? In the car?” Seungcheol’s ears prick at the sound of Jeonghan’s voice.

“No,” Jihoon is talking now. “Not really. He was just thinking mostly. Oh, and he said he wasn’t eager to get his heart broken.”

“And what did you say back?” Jeonghan has a strange edge to his tone that Seungcheol can’t place. Almost panicked.

“I told him to talk to you about it.” Jihoon replies simply. Jeonghan makes a grumbling noise that would normally put a pit of fondness in Seungcheol’s stomach. “Look, he’s already put himself out there. You two should do the same. Tell him what you’re thinking.”

They’re quiet for a moment, so Seungcheol wriggles around and pretends to start stirring from his nap. When he opens his eyes, Jeonghan is already on the opposite side of the pool, sitting on the end of Seungkwan’s chair.

“I’m gonna go smoke.” Seungcheol mutters to nobody. He pulls a cigarette from the carton and slides the lighter into his shirt pocket. Making a quick escape before he can accidentally spot Joshua or Jeonghan, he finds a nice little secluded place to light his cigarette and sits on a low brick wall facing the ocean. He’s been smoking a lot the last few days, while nobody is looking. The night he saw Jeonghan and Joshua kiss, he sat on Chan and Seokmins balcony and chain-smoked for an hour.

The kiss. It still aches when he thinks about it. The way they were gently leaning into each other, their eyes closed. Their lips pressed together so delicately, like one of them might break. Jeonghan’s hand on Joshua’s cheek, his delicate fingers holding him there.

He bites the inside of his cheek before he can get emotional about it. He wants to be the one holding Joshua’s face or leaving delicate kisses on Jeonghan’s lips.

“You really, really need to stop smoking.” Joshua’s voice makes him jump and the cigarette falls from between his lips, sadly hitting the ground before he can try to catch it. He sighs and picks it up so he can stub it out on the wall.

“I don’t know if I’ll ever kick the habit.” He replies, trying to sound like he isn’t terrified.

“That’s something I’ll never understand about you,” Joshua jumps over the back of the wall and sits a few inches away, looking out over the water. “You preach to us about sunscreen and putting on seat belts and getting annual checkups, but you’re threatening to give yourself cancer at the same time.”

Seungcheol winces, trying to cover it with a cough, and scuffs his foot along the slightly sandy slab of pavement under them.

“It’s a hard habit to drop.” He hums.

“Why did you even start in the first place? I don’t remember. You just started after high school and never stopped.” Joshua is staring at him now. Gone are his bashful questions. Seungcheol runs his tongue along his gums, tasting the nicotine lingering there. He wonders if either of them could taste it on him when they kissed that night.

“Anxiety, mostly.” He finally says.

“Anxiety?”

“I’m anxious. All the time. It takes the edge off, I guess.”

“Why not talk to me about it? Or Jeonghan? Or see a therapist? Why do something that could get you killed?” Joshua demands.

Seungcheol feels his throat get a little tight. He glances at the stubbed out cigarette on the ground.

“I didn’t want to burden you with it.” He says.

“You aren’t a burden, for god’s sake,” Joshua’s voice gets a little softer. “You’re our best friend, Seungcheol. You’re allowed to tell us what’s on your mind. We’re supposed to help you through it.”

“Some problems are hard to talk about. Especially some of the later ones.” Seungcheol rubs at his cheeks. Sunscreen residue pills up on his palms. He needs a shower.

“Like what?” Joshua inches closer to him. Seungcheol swallows hard. Despite their other problems, there’s something weighing on him that suddenly pops up in his head.

“Why did you pick someone else to be your editor?” He asks. Joshua seems stunned into a silence that makes Seungcheol peek at him. Their eyes meet. Joshua blinks once. Blinks twice.

“Seungcheol…”

“I’m sorry. I know you’ve explained already.” Seungcheol rubs his palms on his swim trunks, trying to ground himself. He looks away, untrusting of himself to peer into Joshua’s soul. “It just… hurt. It really hurt in the beginning. You always told me I was the only person you trusted to read your writing, and then when we graduated and you started writing for real, you immediately ran off and found someone else.”

No response. Seungcheol starts to think he’s really messed it up now.

“Can I tell you something?” Joshua asks, so softly that it almost gets carried away with the breeze. Seungcheol finds his gaze again.

“Anything.” He responds. Joshua bites his lip. Seungcheol can see the gears turning in his head. He reaches up to rub the back of his neck. On instinct, Seungcheol reaches up to grab his hand. When he brings it back down to Joshua’s lap, he lets it go. Before his hand can make it back to his own leg, Joshua grabs it, pulling it back and holding it. Seungcheol feels his face and ears flush bright red.

“That first book I wrote. The one about the guy and the girl. That love story.”

“Right.” Seungcheol remembers it well. He read the entire book cover to cover the second Joshua gave him a finished copy.

“It’s not about some random guy and some random girl. It’s supposed to be about two guys. And the main character is me. The other guy - the girl I wrote - is a combination of you and Jeonghan.”

Seungcheol’s stomach flips. His eyes go a little wide. Quickly, he recounts the story in his head. Childhood best friends who grew up together. From there, it was a classic love story. They helped each other through numerous bad breakups. They told everyone they were just friends but pined secretly for each other. They realize they’re in love when tragedy strikes, bringing them closer than ever.

“Joshua -”

His words are cut off as Joshua drops his hand, grabs his face in both palms, and brings their faces together. He pauses, looking for permission in Seungcheol’s eyes. Whatever he finds there must satisfy him, because he takes one more breath before he presses their lips together.

Bliss.

Eternal, endless bliss.

Joshua is the feeling of staying home on a Saturday. He’s the comfort of a favorite sweatshirt that one wears over and over. He’s the smell of new books and the cozy sensation you get after sliding into clean sheets.

Joshua is home.

It’s over too quickly. Joshua pulls back first, hovering just in front of his face. His palms stay on Seungcheol’s jaw. Seungcheol keeps his eyes closed, savoring the feeling in case it never happens again.

It does, though.

Joshua kisses him again, more passionately this time. Seungcheol finds his hand wandering until it locates Joshua’s knee. He holds it, pressing his fingers into the side of his bare leg. He’d rather be holding the smaller boy by the waist, but this is what he can reach for now.

Joshua pulls away again. Seungcheol opens his eyes.

“I’m sorry I didn’t pick you. I was afraid you’d read between the lines. I was really internally homophobic and terrified. And again, I really was scared that we’d get into some kind of argument and it would hurt our friendship.” He says all in one breath.

“Are you telling me what I think you’re telling me?” Seungcheol whispers.

"Yes, Cheol. I’m in love. With both you and Jeonghan.”

Seungcheol’s heart rockets from his chest and explodes into a million tiny little stars. A grin forms on his face. Without hesitation, he grabs Joshua’s face and kisses him again. Joshua kisses him back. Seungcheol can feel him smiling.

“Oh my god.” Seungcheol is trembling as he pulls away. He’s giddy. He’s in complete disbelief. Joshua giggles, a sound that makes Seungcheol tingle from head to toe. “Oh my god.” He repeats. And again, three more times.

“I love you, Seungcheol.” Joshua has tears in his eyes, but Seungcheol automatically knows they’re happy tears.

“I love you too.” He chokes up, smiling so big his cheeks hurt, and pulls Joshua in into the tightest of hugs.

“What do we do now?” Joshua asks when they let go of each other. He’s scrubbing the happy tears off his cheeks. Seungcheol, mind racing, just shrugs.

“For now, I’m just going to kiss you again. If that’s okay.”

“Please do.” Joshua laughs, his eyes crinkling. Seungcheol crashes into him again, kissing him almost desperately. Joshua’s hand comes to rest on his chest. Seungcheol holds it there, relishing the feeling of Joshua’s soft skin.

He kisses him twice more for good measure, touching his lips afterward. He’s buzzing with happiness. Nothing could ruin this.

“We have to talk to Jeonghan.” Joshua says.

Immediately, Seungcheol’s good mood comes crashing headfirst into the ground. The smile slides from his lips.

“I don’t think Jeonghan wants to talk to me.” Seungcheol replies.

“It has to happen. I can’t go on without it. I have to know if he feels the same. If he’s just in love with you… well, I guess we’ll have to cross that bridge when we come to it.” Joshua runs a hand through his hair. Seungcheol presses the heels of his hands into his eyes. The thought of sitting down with Jeonghan is terrifying.

They sit for a few more minutes before they decide to rejoin the group. They’re going to make a plan for Jeonghan later. For now, they have to act normal. Joshua sneaks another kiss before they turn the corner, making Seungcheol all tingly again.

It’s hard to conceal his absolute joy as he rejoins the group first, going back to his chair and asking Jihoon what he missed. Jihoon motions to the pool, where Jeonghan is on Soonyoung’s shoulders and Minghao is on Jun’s. They’re playing a game of chicken, trying to push each other into the water. Seungcheol watches, snorting as Jeonghan goes flying backward, screaming all the way down.

He sees something moving out of the corner of his eye and swivels to watch Joshua emerge from his hiding spot, stretching and acting completely nonchalant. He catches Seungcheol staring and there’s a flicker of a smile, a moment just between the two of them.

When Seungcheol looks away, he nearly jumps at the sight of Mingyu staring at him across the pool, questions written all over his face. Seungcheol just shoots him a sheepish smile and looks away.

A few hours later, everyone is tired and ready to go to their respective rooms to shower and take naps before dinner. Seungcheol piggybacks a sunburned Chan up to their floor, dropping him off in his room.

When he gets back to his own, he’s pleased to see Joshua is the only one back so far. The giddy butterflies rise in his stomach and he lets the door slip closed, running across the room and tackling Joshua to the bed. He loves the sound of the laugh Joshua emits, the pure happiness in it.

He hovers, his knees on either side of Joshua’s hips, studying the younger boy’s face. The wrinkles beside his eyes when he grins. His delicate eyelashes and flawless skin.

“What?” Joshua flushes under the attention. Seungcheol drops a kiss on his nose. Even before everything happened, he gave Joshua and Jeonghan chaste, harmless kisses on the cheeks, the nose, the forehead. It was one of his favorite ways to show affection. But now it’s different.

“You’re perfect.” He sighs. Joshua giggles, pushing at his chest.

“Stop it.” He says.

“You are.” Seungcheol insists. He kisses Joshua’s cute nose again before he rolls off the top of him. They lie side by side for a moment, staring at the ceiling.

“I can’t believe this is real.” Joshua breathes.

“I know. I’ve pictured this moment for so long.”

“How long?” Joshua rolls to his side, propping himself up on one elbow. Seungcheol thinks about it for a second.

“I don’t know. Maybe since high school. It happened gradually I think. I just… fell deeper and deeper for both of you.” He decides. Joshua is watching him, nodding slowly.

“For me, I think it’s been since the beginning. That first time the three of us met in class, for that project. I had no idea what love was. Or even what it meant to be gay. But something drew me to you and Han from the very start. It’s only snowballed from there.” He reaches out, his fingers tracing Seungcheol’s jaw. Seungcheol stares at his lips.

The sound of the keycard in the door makes them both sit up. Joshua springs from the bed, hurrying to his suitcase and pretending to look for a change of clothes. Seungcheol gets his phone out and starts looking at it just as the door swings open.

He doesn’t have to look up to know it’s Jeonghan. In his peripherals, he sees Jeonghan silently kick his shoes off and wander over to his own suitcase. He bends, picking through his clothes for a second.

“Who wants the first shower?” Joshua casually asks, standing up with an armful of clothes.

“You can go first.” Seungcheol says, winking while Jeonghan is still looking away. Joshua bites his lips together to keep from smiling and nods, escaping to the bathroom and closing the door.

Jeonghan goes out to the balcony. Seungcheol watches him sit down on the concrete floor and start rubbing aloe on his arms. He’s a little red, probably from lack of reapplying sunscreen. He slips his shirt off and starts putting it on his chest and neck. He reaches for his back and struggles, unable to reach. Seungcheol observes for a moment, contemplating.

Silently, he gets up and pads out to the balcony. He bends and holds his hand out over Jeonghan’s shoulder. Jeonghan looks at his palm for a moment before he obediently hands over the bottle. Seungcheol squirts some into his fingers and warms it for a moment before he starts rubbing it on his back. He watches goosebumps rise on Seungcheol’s skin.

“Did you mean it?” Jeonghan suddenly asks. Seungcheol freezes, his hand still on the skin of Jeonghan’s lower back.

“Of course.” He responds. He waits, still frozen. Jeonghan looks at his bare legs. His hair is falling loose from his ponytail, the stray strands blowing in the breeze. Seungcheol fights the urge to tuck them behind Jeonghan’s ear like he would have done in the old days.

“When Joshua gets back, I guess we need to talk.” Jeonghan finally says.

“Alright.” Seungcheol feels his heart do a little flip. He wishes Joshua would hurry up, but he also wishes Joshua would take longer. He’s dreading this, but he’s also chomping at the bit to get it over with.

When he’s done with the aloe, he hands it back and goes to retrieve a cigarette. As he flicks the lighter on, he stops. Staring at the flame, he takes a deep breath and lets it die out. He pulls the unlit cigarette out of his mouth and tucks it behind his ear.

“Shower’s free.” Joshua’s voice makes all the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

It’s time.

“Can we talk?” Jeonghan asks. Seungcheol takes a deep breath before he turns to the two of them. Jeonghan remains seated, but he’s retreated to the far side of the balcony.

“Sure.” Joshua, ever agreeable, lets his damp towel drape around his neck. He’s pink from the hot water, his wet hair dripping down his forehead. Jeonghan pulls his hair out of the ponytail and looks at his hairband like it’s the most interesting thing in the world.

“What did you want to say?” Seungcheol asks. He waits for a snarky response but gets none.

“Look, Jeonghan,” Joshua clears his throat. “Seungcheol and I have talked already.”

“You have?” Jeonghan finally looks up. Seungcheol can’t tell if he’s hopeful or terrified.

“Yes. I…” Joshua adam’s apple bobs. He looks at Seungcheol for support. Seungcheol gives him a tight-lipped smile. “Jeonghan, I…”

“I love you.” Jeonghan blurts.

For the millionth time, the earth feels like it stops spinning. Jeonghan is looking at Joshua and only Joshua. Seungcheol’s soul falls from his chest and onto the pavement. 

It’s over. It’s all over.

“You… what?” Joshua’s eyes are so big, Seungcheol feels like he can see the entire world reflected in them. The youngest of them is speechless. He’s flabbergasted. Seungcheol has no idea why he is. It’s been obvious since the beginning.

It doesn’t mean it hurts him any less.

“And you…” Jeonghan’s eyes are on Seungcheol now. He braces for the impact. The blow that will likely crush him forever. The rejection he’s been having nightmares about. Jeonghan licks his lips. “I love you too.”

As Seungcheol processes the words, he quite literally stumbles backward, his spine hitting the rail. Jeonghan and Joshua both reach out to him. Joshua grabs him by the wrist and Jeonghan holds onto his ankle.

“Jesus, don’t fucking die!” Jeonghan yells.

“You… love…?” Seungcheol can’t finish his sentence. Jeonghan looks up at him through his eyelashes.

“Seungcheol, I love you.” He stutters.

“But you…?”

"I know. I’ve been treating you like shit,” Jeonghan covers his face, rubbing at his temples. “I’ve been treating both of you like shit. But you, especially. I know I’m a stubborn asshole. I just didn’t know how to handle all this emotion. I was scared. I’m sorry. I’m truly, deeply sorry. And I want to make it up to both of you.”

Seungcheol watches Joshua sink to a crouch. He pulls Jeonghan’s hands away from his face until they’re looking at each other. Jeonghan blinks, confused. Joshua’s sinks into Jeonghan’s arms. Jeonghan catches him, slightly panicked.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“I love you so much, Jeonghan. I love you and Seungcheol both.” Joshua literally sobs, scrambling to sit in Jeonghan’s lap and be held. Jeonghan’s eyebrows shoot nearly up to his hairline and he looks at Seungcheol in disbelief.

“You’re kidding.” Jeonghan says. Joshua lifts his head up from where it's smushed against Jeonghan's shoulder and smashes their lips together. Jeonghan’s eyes sink closed and he pulls Joshua in, kissing him back. Seungcheol watches, a little jealous. When they stop, Jeonghan looks at Seungcheol. Without him having to ask, Seungcheol knows what he wants. A grin plays on his lips and he saunters over, sinking to his knees. His hand comes to the back of Jeonghan’s head and he comes in close, their noses brushing.

“Did you mean it?” He repeats Jeonghan’s own words back to him.

“Of course.” Jeonghan echoes him in return.

Seungcheol presses his lips to Jeonghan’s instantly.

The symphonies are back. Jeonghan is the feeling of laughing until your sides hurt. The exhilaration of riding in a car with the windows down at night. He’s the comfort of watching your favorite movie for the millionth time and remembering all the words.

Jeonghan feels as much like home as Joshua does.

“Holy shit.” Jeonghan’s voice is slightly hoarse when they part. Seungcheol kisses him again for good measure, savoring the feeling.

“This might be the best day of my life.” Joshua laughs shakily. Seungcheol snorts and pulls the both of them into a bone-crushing hug.

The pain is over. The hurting is over. There’s no more fear and anticipation and longing. Both of his best friends are here, and they’re all in love, and the late afternoon is gentle on the three of them as they sit huddled on the balcony. He's home.

“This is real, right? I’m not just having a really good dream?” Jeonghan asks.

“This better be real.” Joshua agrees, his voice muffled by Seungcheol’s shoulder. Seungcheol shushes them both, squeezing tighter.

“Even if it is just a dream, let’s enjoy it while it lasts.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't take it anymore!!! Ahhhhhhh!! I've been dying to have the three of them make up for so long. Sorry for keeping you waiting! I'll have more up soon. Thank you all so much for reading so far!


	11. Slushies and Smooches

Jeonghan is watching Seungcheol tie his shoes while Joshua finishes his makeup in the bathroom. The three of them have spent the last hour asleep in their room. They haven’t quite made it back to cuddling, but the three of them did fit in the bed and manage to keep a comfortable distance between them.

“Promise you don’t hate me?” Jeonghan blurts, watching Seungcheol pull his laces tight. Seungcheol furrows his eyebrows.

“I don’t hate you. Did you miss that entire conversation we had earlier? You know, the one where I said I love you?” He smirks.

“I just feel guilty. I’ve been the worst. I was being a dick.” Jeonghan sighs. “I keep going back to what you were saying. How I made you feel like a ‘spare part’.”

“I was just afraid. I thought the two of you were going to move on without me.” Seungcheol looks at himself in the mirror by the bathroom, straightening out the t-shirt he’s wearing. Jeonghan tries not to eye the way his jeans cling to his thighs and his butt like they were painted on.

“And I made you cry… what, twice?” Jeonghan rubs his temples. Seungcheol ruffles his hair around a little, clearly trying not to look at Jeonghan.

“On this trip?” He ponders a second. “Three times, I think. Maybe four.”

“Cheol,” Jeonghan whines. “I’m sorry.”

“Listen, we can dissect everything later. For now, just don’t worry about it.” Seungcheol comes over to where Jeonghan is sitting on the edge of the bed. He drags his fingers through Jeonghan’s long hair, tugging a little on the ends and making chills run down Jeonghan’s spine.

“I can’t help worrying,” Jeonghan takes his hand, lacing their fingers together and looking at how perfectly they fit. “I just feel like I really hurt both of you. But you especially. And you had to see us kiss without you… I’m sure it was hell.” He peeks up at Seungcheol’s face, heart dropping at the way Seungcheol seems to be staring off into nothing. He knows that look. Seungcheol is trying to keep himself calm. He notices Jeonghan is staring and smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach all the way to his eyes.

“I promise I’m okay. Just… promise me something?” Seungcheol squeezes his hand.

“Anything.” Jeonghan nods.

“Promise me you do actually love me.”

Jeonghan’s heart shatters. Seungcheol’s smile is a little sad now. Worried, almost. He opens his mouth to release his soul. To swear to Seungcheol that he loves him with every fiber of his being. He wants to fill every crack in Seungcheol’s heart with love and smooth them over with sweet words that convince him that this is real.

“Guys, we gotta go!” A rapping on the door breaks the bubble they’re in. Joshua rushes from the bathroom, smoothing his hair down, and looks for his wallet. Jeonghan grabs Seungcheol’s wrist as he starts to move away and forces him to make eye contact for one last moment. He says nothing, but Seungcheol gets the message. They’ll talk about it later.

The three of them act completely normal as they meet their friends in the hallway and take the elevator down in two loads. Jeonghan is smushed into the back with Joshua, who flashes him a secret smile, easing his soul a little. He glances over Mingyu’s shoulder and sees Seungcheol staring into space. The guilt comes flooding back.

He ends up riding in Jun’s car with Jun, Minghao, and Chan. Chan is clinging to him, as if sensing his unease. He’s grateful as the youngest of them draws little patterns on Jeonghan’s knee without saying a word.

“How are things in your room?” Minghao twists in his seat, eyeing Jeonghan. Jeonghan wracks his brain, trying to decide how he should answer.

“They’re fine.” Is all he can come up with. Minghao’s eyes narrow.

“Something happened.” He accuses.

“No-”  
“You have that look in your eye. Something happened.” Minghao shakes a finger at him. Chan is staring at him now, too, and he knows Jun is peering at him in the rearview mirror. Jeonghan runs his tongue along the back of his teeth.

“Look, something did happen. But I can’t talk about it right now.”

“Something bad?” Chan asks. “You look… like you could puke.”

“Yes and no.” Jeonghan answers vaguely.

Minghao prods for a few more minutes, but when he realizes Jeonghan isn’t going to say anything, he gives up, huffing and crossing his arms. Jeonghan looks out the window. The sun is starting to set off in the distance. His mind goes to Seungcheol’s face. That blank look in his eyes. He knows there’s a war in Seungcheol’s head. He’s seen the way Seungcheol’s panic attacks go. They don’t happen outwardly by any means.

They arrive at the restaurant, which is nice, but not as nice as the seafood restaurant from the first night. Jeonghan seeks out Seungcheol and Joshua immediately. Seungcheol is walking with Jihoon. He’s talking, but as if he’s on autopilot. Joshua is with Mingyu. He doesn’t know which to go to, so he sticks with Chan.

They’re seated outside and he ends up sitting across from Seungcheol, who is staring at the menu so intently that he could burn a hole through it. Jeonghan tries to pay attention to the conversation happening around them, his gut twisting.

“What are you gonna order?” Chan, who is still with him, seems to pick up that there’s something up with Seungcheol, probably based on the way Jeonghan won’t stop looking at him. Seungcheol seems to snap out of it for a moment, talking about his order and replying to all the things Chan is saying back. When Chan gets distracted by Soonyoung for a moment, the same look goes back on Seungcheol’s face and he picks at the edge of his menu.

Jeonghan can’t take it anymore.

He stands up before he even realizes he’s doing it. Nobody notices but Seungcheol, who glances up. Jeonghan jerks his head toward the bathrooms. Seungcheol’s eyes flit in that direction, getting the message, but he doesn’t make any move to agree. Jeonghan starts moving anyway, nudging Seokmin’s shoulder and asking if he’ll order Jeonghan a water if the server comes by before he’s back.

He stands in an alcove by the bathrooms for five whole minutes before Seungcheol finally comes around the corner. Jeonghan grabs him by the arm and leads him away from the restaurant. There’s a little dock with a mini boardwalk.

“What’s going on?” Seungcheol asks as Jeonghan drags him out to the edge of the dock.

“Are you okay?” Jeonghan asks, almost breathless.

“Jeonghan, I’m fine-” Seungcheol starts to laugh, like it's a joke, and Jeonghan squeezes his arm, cutting him off.

“You’re doing that thing you do. Where you stare off into space and pretend you aren’t panicking.”

Crickets. Seungcheol is just standing there, blank-faced. Any trace of a laugh is gone from his face. Jeonghan wants to scream.

“Hannie…” Seungcheol casts his eyes down. “I’m okay.”

“You aren’t.” Jeonghan’s hands cup his cheeks, pulling his face up. “Tell me what you’re feeling. Please, Seungcheol. No more of this. You and I need to communicate.” He smoothes the pads of his thumbs along Seungcheol’s soft cheeks. Seungcheol’s face seems to sink into his hands.

“I’m just overthinking things.” He whispers.

“Tell me.” Jeonghan presses his forehead to Seungcheol’s. He hears Seungcheol swallow hard, feels the way his jaw clenches for a moment, like he’s warding off tears. He squeezes his eyes shut, bracing for whatever Seungcheol is going to say.

“I’m scared.” Seungcheol whispers. Jeonghan holds his tongue, waiting patiently. “I’m really scared that you and Joshua are going to leave me behind. You’ve always favored Joshua a little more. It feels that way, at least. It might just be my insecurity. I know you both said you loved me… I guess I’m just scared you’ll change your minds. It’s easy with you two. You don’t fight. You always get along. You always have that glittery look in your eyes for each other.”

“Cheollie…” Jeonghan breathes. Seungcheol’s jaw clenches again under his palms. They’re still forehead to forehead.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Seungcheol’s voice is shaky.

“Don’t be sorry. We’ve spent so much time fighting and avoiding each other… and you saw the two of us… like that… it couldn’t have helped the fear. But Seungcheol,” Jeonghan pulls away enough to look Seungcheol in the eye and his heart twists at the sight of tears welled there, reflecting the rising moon. “I love you. I’m going to spend the rest of my time on this earth making sure you know that. I love you so, so much. I always have. I know it probably seems like I favor Joshua, but I promise you that isn’t the case. I love you equally. You’re the two halves of my heart.”

“Even though I’m stubborn? And I make you angry?” A tear snakes down Seungcheol’s cheek, catching the light. His chin is trembling.

“You don’t make me angry, Cheol,” His own eyes are starting to get misty now. “You don’t. Everything I said wasn’t me. I was in a bad place. I’ve been frustrated with you, yes. And I’m sure you get frustrated with me. You and I have always been that way. We’re both stubborn. But I love that about us. We butt heads, but we always forgive each other. We always make up. And I’m sure we’ll argue in the future. I know we will. But just because you and I argue and Joshua and I never do doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do. I love you. Please, Seungcheol. Please, just know that I truly, deeply love you. I’ll keep telling you until the day I die.” Jeonghan is crying now. They both are. Vulnerable, trembling, they stand together in the deepening dark with their chests open.

“I love you too.” Seungcheol sobs, crashing into him. They kiss, hard, and Jeonghan can feel everything Seungcheol does. The fear, the pain. He tastes the saltiness of the tears. But he can also feel the overwhelming relief. Seungcheol finally pulls away and they hold each other, crying silently. Jeonghan presses his face into Seungcheol’s shoulder, trying to calm himself with the intoxicating and familiar scent of his cologne. It makes him cry harder.

It takes them an entire fifteen minutes to calm down. When they separate, they lock eyes and Seungcheol smiles. It reaches his eyes this time. He laughs, despite just having cried his eyes out, and rubs the tears off his cheeks.

“I’m sure the guys probably think we died.” He says.

“Nah, I already told them you were working something out. I hope you like what we ordered you for dinner.” The two of them jump at the sound of Joshua’s voice. He’s standing a ways away with a serene look on his face.

“How long have you been there?” Jeonghan asks, dabbing at his cheeks with the neck of his shirt.

“Long enough,” Joshua wanders over, looking between them. He takes one of each of their hands. “You two do argue. But as Jeonghan said, you always make up. You always will. You love each other. It doesn’t matter how many dumb little spats you get into. At the end of the day, you know you have each other. And me, of course,” He laughs. “But seriously. As long as you keep reminding each other that you love each other and you talk everything out, everything will be okay.”

“You’re going to make me cry again.” Seungcheol laughs shakily. Joshua grins, kissing him on the cheek.

“I love you.” He says.

“I love you too. And Jeonghan” Seungcheol smiles, his relief and his happiness nearly palpable. When Jeonghan glances between them, he can see that glittery look Seungcheol was talking about. It fills him with so much fondness that he could burst.

“And I love you, too.” Joshua looks at Jeonghan, eyes still glittery.

“I love you both.” Jeonghan croaks.

“Alright, enough already. We’ll have time for this later,” Joshua, eyes crinkling, tugs on their hands. “The food has arrived at the table. Mingyu texted me about it like five minutes ago. It’ll get cold.”

Everyone is pretending not to be staring when they return. They take their seats. Jeonghan digs into his food, ravenous after crying so hard.

“So…” Seungkwan clears his throat. “Are you guys friends again?”

“Yes. We’re all friends again.” Jeonghan replies through a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

A cheer goes around the table and Jeonghan gets thwacked on the back. Minghao stands up with his glass of wine and everyone looks at him.

“To friendship.” He says, holding his glass in the air. Everyone echoes him, holding up their drinks. Seungcheol grins at Jeonghan across the table. A radiant beam of light shoots through Jeonghan’s chest and he laughs aloud, tossing his head back.

They’re all in high spirits as they finish dinner and drive down to the boardwalk in search of dessert. Jeonghan rides in Seungcheol’s truck in the passenger seat. Joshua is behind him, singing loudly to the radio with Seokmin and Soonyoung. The windows are down and the warm summer air whips through the car, tousling Jeonghan’s hair. He looks at Seungcheol, content at the sight of the older boy’s dimples on his cheeks and his bright teeth flashing in the streetlights.

At the boardwalk, he clings to Seokmin’s back and they find a slushie stand. Jeonghan orders a blue raspberry flavored one, delighting in the sickly-sweet syrup. He finds Seungcheol taking a lick of a giant ice cream cone and offers him a sip of slushie. Seungcheol takes him up on it. When he speaks, Jeonghan catches sight of Seungcheol’s stained blue tongue and fights the urge to squeal.

“I want a sip!” Joshua loops an arm around his neck, swooping in to take a swig before Jeonghan can react. He pulls away, sticking out a similar blue tongue. Jeonghan pulls his phone out of his back pocket and they all crowd together, sticking their matching tongues out for a photo. When he puts his phone away, he smiles sheepishly at the sight of Mingyu and Hansol watching with twin fond expressions.

They leave shortly after they’ve consumed dessert and return to their hotel. Everyone says goodnight to each other, Jeonghan pressing kisses to Chan’s cheek and snickering at the way Chan cringes away.

When he closes his hotel room door, he’s pleased to see Seungcheol and Joshua are already there. Joshua is kicking his shoes off and Seungcheol is stretching his arms over his head, flashing a nice strip of tanned skin above his waistband. Jeonghan eyes it, resisting the urge to lick his lips.

“Come here, you.” He says, looping his arms around Seungcheol’s waist. He holds Seungcheol at arm’s length, admiring his pink lips and messy hair. Seungcheol gives him a gummy smile and leans in without warning, kissing him. It’s different this time. It’s giddy, but with just a hint of heat. Jeonghan’s body reacts, his arms tightening around Seungcheol’s waist, his toes curling in his shoes.

A pair of arms come from behind. He smells Joshua’s light cologne before he feels a pair of lips on his neck, ghosting there along his pulse. His knees damn near buckle. A quiet groan leaves his throat and he doesn’t have time to be embarrassed as Seungcheol releases his lips and kisses Joshua over his shoulder.

“Christ,” Seungcheol says in a hoarse voice when they part. “You’re both making me crazy. I’ve wanted to do this for so long.”

“Me too.” Joshua presses another kiss to Jeonghan’s neck.

“Me three.” Jeonghan tilts his head, giving Joshua easier access.

“What a day.” Seungcheol arms are long enough that he’s able to pull both of them into a hug, squeezing until Jeonghan complains that he’s choking to death. Seungcheol flops and they all go landing on the bed in a pile, laughing. Jeonghan rolls onto his back, the corners of his mouth starting to hurt from smiling so big.

“We’re all sleeping in the bed tonight, right?” Joshua asks.

“I hope so. I don’t think I could take another night on that rollaway bed.” Seungcheol groans.

“I told you it would hurt your back!” Jeonghan nags. Seungcheol sticks his tongue out.

“I need a smoke.” He says. Jeonghan pulls him back down when he starts to sit up.

“No smoking tonight.”

“Hannie.” Seungcheol whines.

“No smoking tonight. I want you to quit.” Jeonghan holds his hand, lacing their fingers together. Seungcheol sighs, rubbing his forehead.

“Fine. I’ll try.” He agrees. “But when my ass gets grumpy from the withdrawal, it’s your fault.”

A few minutes later, they get ready for bed and crawl under the covers. Jeonghan takes his middle spot, nuzzling against Joshua’s shoulder while they watch TV for a little while. He feels Seungcheol close behind him.

Joshua falls asleep first, his big kitten eyes slipping closed and his breathing evening out. Jeonghan smiles, pulling the covers up over Joshua’s chest so he doesn’t get cold, and slowly leans over him to turn the lamp off. When he turns back, Seungcheol is staring.

“What?” He whispers. Seungcheol smiles in the low light, pulling him closer and kissing him on the lips. Slow, gentle kisses. Jeonghan relaxes, his head pillowed on Seungcheol’s bicep. Seungcheol adjusts, rolling so his upper body is slightly above Jeonghan’s. The kissing heats up a little, more hungry. Jeonghan’s body reacts automatically. Seungcheol licks his lower lip and he fights a gasp, knowing full well he’s painfully aroused now. Seungcheol leaves his lips, Jeonghan chasing after them, and attacks Jeonghan’s neck instead. Ah, so they’ve discovered his weak spot then. He moans softly, eyes slipping closed as Seungcheol nips at his skin, not hard enough to leave marks. Seungcheol’s hands slip under the hem of his shirt, his fingertips gliding along Jeonghan’s stomach. Goosebumps rise on every inch of Jeonghan’s skin.

“Hey, I feel left out.” Joshua’s sleepy voice croaks to his left. Jeonghan opens his eyes, softening a little at the playfully pouty look on his face.

“Sorry.” Jeonghan pulls him in by the jaw, kissing him. Joshua, despite just having woken up, kisses him with just as much enthusiasm. Seungcheol leaves Jeonghan for a moment to kiss Joshua's exposed collarbone. Joshua moans into Jeonghan’s mouth. Jeonghan's growing problem must react against Seungcheol’s hip, because he makes eye contact with Jeonghan, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“Eager?” He teases. Jeonghan pinches him on the arm, earning a yelp. Joshua must not catch what they’re talking about, because he just directs Jeonghan’s lips back to his own, his fingers coming to tug lightly at Jeonghan’s hair.

Jeonghan is getting into this. Their lips move in sync. Seungcheol switches between kissing at every inch of Joshua’s exposed skin and kissing Jeonghan’s neck and his ears. He aches to touch one of them, but he’s hesitant. They’ve just now made things right again. If he messes up now and makes one of them uncomfortable, it could ruin everything.

And then Joshua is grabbing Jeonghan’s hand, guiding it underneath his own shirt until Jeonghan’s palm is pressed against his hip. Jeonghan takes the hint, running his fingertips over Joshua’s skin, then lightly raking his fingernails over Joshua’s bare back. The noise Joshua makes is heavenly.

And then, a quick knocking on the door before the sound of a key card being inserted.

They’ve never moved so fast in their lives. Seungcheol returns to his side of the bed and picks his phone up, Joshua rolls over and pretends to be asleep, and Jeonghan turns onto his side toward the TV, trying to hide the tent he’s created in the comforter.

“Oh, good, two of you are still awake. We’re going on a crab hunt if you guys wanna come.” It’s Chan, looking far too enthusiastic as he bounces to the end of the bed with his flashlight. He’s oblivious to what was just happening behind the door.

“I think I’ll pass.” Jeonghan’s voice is a little too high-pitched, but Chan seems not to notice. Seungcheol gives a similar response and says he’s going to sleep soon. They thank him anyway and Chan bounces off. Jeonghan’s strains his ears and he can hear Chan knocking on Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s door down the hall.

“Jesus.” Seungcheol sighs, tossing his phone on the nightstand.

“Just when it was getting good.” Jeonghan snorts. He reaches a quick hand to the front of his sweatpants, just enough to gauge the situation. His problem is pretty much entirely gone.

“Right?” Joshua mumbles.

“Tomorrow, maybe.” Seungcheol is still grinning despite their fun being halted. Joshua peeks over his shoulder, his eyes crinkling.

“Tomorrow.” He agrees.

“I think for now it’s bedtime.” Jeonghan yawns. Joshua rolls over to face him, giving him a sweet goodnight kiss before he does the same to Seungcheol. Seungcheol gives on to Jeonghan too, before he reaches behind himself to turn the other lamp off. Nestled in darkness, Joshua tucks himself into Jeonghan’s side and Seungcheol manages to wrap himself around both of them, their legs tangled together under the covers.

Jeonghan drifts to sleep to the sound of Seungcheol’s heartbeat and Joshua’s soft breathing, relief and relaxation overtaking him like a blanket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen I'm SORRY, I've never written smut before and I'm nervous about attempting it. But if that's what people want, I'll do my best! Also, I know this one is a little shorter and I apologize!


	12. Teacups and Log Flumes

Joshua is the first to wake the next morning. He spends a little while laying in bed, savoring the sound of Jeonghan’s heavy breathing in his ear and Seungcheol’s near-silent snoring. He’s pressed against Jeonghan’s shoulder. He takes a deep breath and catches a whiff of Jeonghan’s shampoo. It’s heavenly.

However, he soon gets restless and slides out of bed, pulling the covers up over the other two. He stretches before he grabs his laptop and goes out onto the balcony to write a little. It’s a warm, calm morning. The waves are gentle on the shore and there are seagulls crying on the beach below. Distantly, he realizes their first week has come to an end. They only have a week left before they have to head home.

He spends an hour by himself, typing away, before the rustling of his sheets interrupts him. He glances over his shoulder, butterflies fluttering in his stomach at the sight of Jeonghan sitting up in bed, rubbing his eyes.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” He whines. Joshua snickers, pulling himself up and padding back over to the bed. Jeonghan pulls him back on the mattress and kisses him on the forehead. He makes a happy noise to himself.

“Sleep well?” Joshua asks, nuzzling his nose against Jeonghan’s.

“Mmhm. I had a good dream.” Jeonghan is grinning, his eyes still tired.

“Tell me about it.” Joshua reaches out to stroke through Jeonghan’s bedhead. Jeonghan hums, closing his eyes.

“The three of us were adopting a puppy. I think we all lived together.” He explains. Joshua’s heart twinges, in a happy but longing way, and cuddles ever-closer. As Jeonghan gets quiet, probably falling asleep again, Joshua wonders what they’re doing for the day.

He starts to drift off again when Seungcheol stirs on the other side of the bed. Joshua picks his head up, watching the oldest stretch and groan. He squints one eye open. His hair is sticking up all over the place.

“Good morning.” Joshua whispers. Seungcheol groans again, covering his face with his hands.

“What time is it?” He asks. Joshua rolls over to glance at his phone and replies that it’s roughly nine. “Is anyone else up?”

“I don’t know, nobody has been by. I guess I should go see what everyone is up to. You could probably go back to sleep for a while.” Joshua sits up, reaching over Jeonghan to ruffle Seungcheol’s hair.

“Okay. Come back soon.” Seungcheol nuzzles into his hand like a cat and smiles sleepily. Fondness blooms in Joshua’s chest and he nods, sliding out of bed. He grabs a key and leaves their room, walking down the hall to Soonyoung and Wonwoo’s room. He knocks. Wonwoo answers and lets him in, clad in nothing but boxers and a t-shirt and sporting messy hair.

“Interesting,” he comments. “You look well-rested and not depressed.”

“Ha-ha, very funny.” Joshua snorts. He sits on the edge of the bed, where a sleepy Soonyoung whines and scoots until he’s pressed against Joshua’s hip.

“If you came to ask about today’s plans, I have no idea. We were throwing around the idea of an amusement park in the group chat last night, but never came to a conclusion.” Wonwoo explains. Joshua hums in understanding. An amusement park could be fun. Seungcheol and Chan are both terrified of heights, but they could find other things for the two of them to participate in. They’d both be happy just coming along, after all.

“I think that’d be fun.” Joshua decides. Wonwoo nods.

“Tell the group chat. I’ll start trying to get Soonyoung up. How are things in your room, by the way? You guys are looking awfully friendly.” Wonwoo smirks.

“Things are… fine.” Joshua clears his throat and stands up, planning his escape. He pulls his phone out, nonchalantly texting the group chat about the plans. “We’re finally getting back to where we used to be.”

“That’s it? Nothing else?” Wonwoo raises his eyebrows as Joshua reaches the door.

“Nope,” Joshua smiles innocently. “I’ll see you in a bit. Good luck with Soonyoung.”

He practically bolts back to their room before Wonwoo can ask any more questions. When he steps inside, Jeonghan and Seungcheol are up, probably having seen the group chat. Jeonghan is in the shower. Seungcheol sits on the edge of the bed, looking very close to sleep. Joshua melts into his arms, wrapping Seungcheol’s head in a hug. Seungcheol hugs him around the waist.

“Feeling okay today?” Joshua kisses the top of his head. “I know you don’t like amusement parks, but there’s other stuff to do besides roller coasters. Nobody is going to make you ride anything.”

“You and I both know that’s a lie,” Seungcheol mumbles. “Jihoon will try his damndest to get me on a roller coaster. The tallest one, even. I just know he will. He’s always trying to get me on one. Remember the last time we went to an amusement park?”

“Don’t let him bully you. Just enjoy yourself. I promise it’ll be a fun day.” Joshua smooths his hair down. He smells like warmth.

Jeonghan gets out of the shower and Seungcheol takes his place. Joshua goes to stand on the balcony with Jeonghan for a while. They let the sea air blow through their hair without saying a word. Comfortable silence. He’s missed this feeling.

Jeonghan loops an arm around his waist and pulls him closer, smiling. Joshua smiles back, huddling into his side and laying his head on Jeonghan’s shoulder. It feels so amazing just to exist with him, just to know that things are okay again.

Seungcheol comes back from the shower and Joshua reluctantly leaves them to take his own. He makes it quick and gets dressed, eager to return to them. They’re sitting on the couch when he walks out, huddled close.

“Ready?” Joshua asks, sliding his shoes on. Jeonghan brightens, springing from the couch and finding his own shoes. Seungcheol begrudgingly stands up and follows suit, already looking a little tense. Joshua makes a mental note to research the amusement park in the car. Surely there’s something they can do to cheer Seungcheol up.

They meet the rest of the group outside and depart, splitting into cars. Jeonghan, Seungcheol, Joshua, and Jihoon all end up in Seungcheol’s truck.

“So… roller coaster?” Jihoon pipes up as soon as the doors close.

“Nope.” Seungcheol replies simply.

“Come on. You’ll enjoy it once you try it.” Jihoon whines. “I’m sure there’s a really fun one that isn’t too intense.”

“Jihoon, leave him alone.” Jeonghan playfully musses Jihoon’s hair, smirking when he retracts and tries to fix it.

“I just need to get him on one.” Jihoon huffs. “He’ll feel better facing his fears. And then he’ll thank me and keep riding roller coasters.”

“That’s not going to happen. I’ve ridden roller coasters before, Jihoon. It didn’t end well.” Seungcheol sighs. Jihoon grumbles under his breath, but gives up the fight, crossing his arms. He’s pouting. Seungcheol rolls his eyes, but Joshua can tell it’s bothering him. He’s a people pleaser. He likes to keep the peace. Although Jihoon probably isn’t that mad in reality, he knows Seungcheol feels like he is.

The drive is quiet, Jeonghan and Joshua making small talk about things they pass. It’s awkward in the car. Joshua researches the park a little on the way, but the website doesn’t offer much. He's glad when they pull into the parking lot. He springs into action, directing Seungcheol away from Jihoon as they make their way to the ticket booth.

“Why does Jihoon look grumpy?” Chan asks while they stand in line. Jihoon is ahead of them, talking to Soonyoung about the rides.

“He’s trying to talk Seungcheol into going on a roller coaster, but Seungcheol isn’t about it. So he’s pouting.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m surprised he hasn’t tried to ask me, too.” Chan frowns.

“Just stick with us.” Jeonghan protectively pulls Chan toward himself.

They enter the theme park with no other words from Jihoon and head for the first ride. It’s a tame one - the teacups. Reluctantly, Joshua gets into a cup with Seungcheol and Jeonghan. Predictably, the two of them start spinning the cup so fast that Joshua thinks he might pass out. But he never stops laughing regardless, his breath stolen by the wind. When it stops, the three of them stumble over each other, giggling and dizzy.

It’s a pretty fun time afterward. They ride a pretty mild roller coaster, which Seungcheol and Chan stay away from, then some flying airplanes that the two of them also avoid. Then a water raft ride that they do participate in. They’re split in three different rafts and Joshua jumps into one with Jeonghan, Seungcheol, and Jun. Jeonghan and Joshua take turns trying to turn the raft different ways to avoid getting soaked, but in the end the two of them end up the most wet out of all of them.

A few rides and some greasy amusement park food later, they arrive at the log flume.

Jihoon’s head whips around and he pins Chan with a look. Chan ducks behind Joshua’s back, but Jihoon comes for him, clinging to his arm.

“Come on, Channie! It’s just two drops. Two little drops. And it’s a water ride, so it’s even more fun. It’s like the water raft ride.”

“I don’t like heights. Or dropping.” Chan replies, tugging his arm away.

“It’s really fun, Chan!” Soonyoung pops in from the other side, hugging Chan around the middle. “I promise it’s not scary at all! I’ve always wanted to ride something like this with you. You can sit with me!”

“I don’t want to.” Chan is starting to look a little afraid, his eyes going to Jeonghan.

“Guys, he doesn’t want to ride. Don’t make him.” Jeonghan steps in, pulling Chan away from them. Jihoon groans.

“It’s not a scary ride. Two little drops. Look, Chan,” Jihoon points him to the final drop, where people are coming down the waterfall screaming. Water explodes everywhere. “There are kids riding.”

“Would you do it if Seungcheol agreed?” Soonyoung loops an arm around Seungcheol’s shoulders. Seungcheol is frowning, looking extremely uncomfortable. He and Chan just share a look. When Seungcheol starts to open his mouth, Jihoon stops him.

“Look, if you and Chan just ride this one ride, I’ll never bug you about roller coasters again. Promise.” He says. Seungcheol purses his lips and he and Chan look at each other again.

“I’ll…” Chan swallows hard. “I’ll go if Seungcheol goes.” He manages. Joshua searches Seungcheol’s face. He’s obviously terrified. But there’s an edge to his face. He’s going to try. Joshua already knows. He wants to be strong for Chan.

“Okay.” He finally breathes. Jeonghan starts to protest, but Soonyoung and Jihoon are already cheering, leading the group toward the ride. As soon as Seungcheol can pull himself away, he comes to the back of the line with Jeonghan and Joshua. Chan comes with him, burying himself in Jeonghan’s front.

“You don’t have to do this.” Jeonghan says to them both.

“I’m tired of them asking. I just want to get it over with.” Chan mumbles. Seungcheol fidgets at Joshua’s side.

“Ride with me?” Joshua asks. Seungcheol nods, his eyebrows worried.

“You don’t have to ride with Soonyoung,” Jeonghan tells Chan. “Ride with me. I’ll get you through the scary parts.”

Chan and Seungcheol are visibly more scared the closer they get to the front of the line. As half of their group gets onto the first log, Soonyoung and Jihoon come back to their part of the line to cheer them on. Chan tries to smile and Seungcheol doesn’t speak.

They get onto the next log and Seungcheol slides in first. As soon as the lap belt comes down, he pushes himself into Joshua’s side. Jihoon and Soonyoung are in front of them and Jeonghan and Chan are right behind them. Joshua can hear Chan making scared noises as the ride jolts forward.

“It’s gonna be okay.” Jeonghan soothes quietly.

“You okay?” Joshua looks at Seungcheol, guilty at the sight of his red cheeks and the absolute terror in his eyes.

“Level with me, Joshua Hong,” His voice is unsteady. “How high do these drops start?” Joshua bites his lip.

“Well, I’ve never been on this exact one. But usually, they start you with a more mild drop. Just a few feet. The second one…” He trails off and Seungcheol just manages a high-pitched whine. He wraps both arms around Joshua’s and forces his head into the space between his cheek and his shoulder. Joshua uses his free arm to hold Seungcheol closer, wishing he’d told Soonyoung and Jihoon to fuck off. He knows they weren’t trying to be mean, but this is still too much.

The first part of the ride is calm. They pass through a happy underwater theme with singing fish and lots of moving parts. Seungcheol is holding Joshua so tightly that it almost hurts.

The climb to the first drop comes into view and Joshua squeezes him, holding his breath. Behind them, Chan is making no noise.

They get to the top of the first drop. It’s not as small as Joshua thought, but it’s still relatively short. Seungcheol gasps, burrowing his face in Joshua’s shoulder. Joshua uses his free hand to cradle Seungcheol’s head.

They drop. It’s barely enough to make Joshua’s stomach drop, but it still brings a surprised noise out of him. Seungcheol whimpers, trembling the second they get to the bottom. Without having to look, Joshua knows he’s probably panicking.

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” Joshua whispers, trying to comfort him before he gets too worked up. Seungcheol lifts his face for a second and Joshua sees tears in his eyes, which are as wide as dinner plates.

“How was that one?” Soonyoung hoots, turning over his shoulder as they go through more singing fish. He catches sight of Seungcheol’s teary eyes and the smile slides from his face immediately. “Oh, shit.”

“What?” Jihoon turns too, pausing when he sees the look on Seungcheol’s face. His eyes drift to the space behind them and Joshua glances back at Chan, who is in a similar situation. He’s still buried in Jeonghan’s side. It’s clear he’s upset.

“Seungcheol, I’m sorry -” Soonyoung starts to say.

“Soon. Turn around and shut up.” Jeonghan barks from the very back. Soonyoung jumps and follows directions, facing forward. Jihoon does the same, giving Seungcheol an apologetic look before he does so.

“The second one is coming up soon. I promise it’s not as long as it’s going to feel. I’m right here. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.” Joshua tells Seungcheol quietly. Seungcheol burrows back into his side, his breath hitching.

The second drop comes into view. Just the sight of it is enough to make Joshua’s own stomach clench. It’s going to be a rough hill. Normally, he’d enjoy this kind of thing. But with Seungcheol seconds from a full panic attack and Chan doing the same behind him, he’s wishing it was over.

They start the upward climb and Seungcheol makes a broken noise, hugging Joshua's arm like his life depends on it. Joshua shushes him, stroking his hair. Jeonghan is talking to Chan in a low voice.

They get to the top. There’s a moment of peace at the peak where you can see the entire park. And then, they’re falling.

Seungcheol whines again. Chan sobs. Joshua’s stomach drops and he’s momentarily exhilarated before they get to the bottom, water coats them from head to toe, and Seungcheol is hyperventilating. It hurts Joshua to hear. He’s shaking and he won’t come out of Joshua’s shoulder.

“It’s over, my love. It’s over. You’re okay.” Joshua cooes, rubbing his back. They’re coming to the end and Joshua is wondering how he’s going to get Seungcheol off the ride. He doesn’t have to think about it long. The ride comes to a stop, the lap bar lifts, and before he can blink, Seungcheol is clambering off. He stands, legs quivering, and waits for Joshua to get off.

“Shua, can you help me with Chan?” Jeonghan asks. Joshua turns his attention to the youngest, who is clinging to Jeonghan’s shirt and pretty much ignoring the attendant, who is asking him kindly to disembark. Joshua bends down and scoops Chan up. Jeonghan pries his fingers away. Chan latches onto Joshua instead, pressing his face into Joshua’s shoulder and allowing himself to be carried away.

“I’m so, so sorry -” Jihoon pleads, standing at Seungcheol’s shoulder.

“Shut your fucking mouth.” Jeonghan is clearly angry, jaw clenched, and he brushes past both Jihoon and Soonyoung, grabbing Seungcheol’s wrist and pulling him away from the ride. Seungcheol, looking barely able to stand, stumbles after him. Joshua looks at his face as they near the exit. He’s not crying, but his eyes are still wide and his face is a deep pink. It’s clear he’s humiliated and shaken.

They meet the rest of their friends at the bottom of the hill and Joshua passes Chan off to a worried Seokmin.

“What happened?” Mingyu asks, concerned as he catches sight of Seungcheol.

“I’m going to buy Seungcheol and Chan some water,” Jeonghan says, ignoring him. “Joshua, can you help him sit down? He looks like he’s about to pass out.”

Joshua obediently leads Seungcheol to the closest bench and helps him sit.

“I’m fine.” Seungcheol’s voice wobbles with the rest of his body.

“Baby,” Joshua breathes, low enough for only Seungcheol to hear. “You’re shaking like a leaf. You’re panicking.”

“I’m not panicking.” Seungcheol protests. Joshua gives him a look and he sighs, rubbing his palms over his face.

Seokmin brings Chan, who looks slightly calmer now that he’s on solid ground. He flops down onto the bench beside Seungcheol and leans back, closing his eyes.

"Are you okay, Channie?" Seungcheol asks, shifting his attention away from himself. Leave it to Seungcheol to check on someone else in the middle of his panic attack.

"I just need to sit for a second." Chan replies, face toward the sky. Joshua can't tell if he's trying to calm down or if he's fighting off more tears.

“Deep breaths. Both of you.” Joshua says.

“Here.” Jeonghan uncaps one water and pushes it into Seungcheol’s hand. He uncaps the other and hands it to Chan, who thanks him quietly.

“Do we need to leave?” Minghao wanders over from where the others are keeping their distance, trying not to bring attention to their two vulnerable friends.

“No!” Seungcheol and Chan both exclaim. Minghao raises his eyebrows.

“Seriously, it’s fine if you want to leave. We’ve been here a while.” He says.

“We’ve barely been here a few hours,” Seungcheol argues. “I’m fine. Don’t let me ruin your day.”

“Yeah. I’m fine too. Don’t worry about it.” Chan sips his water, clearly not entirely fine. Minghao gives up, returning to the group to relay the message. Jihoon and Soonyoung are hanging around the back. Wonwoo appears to be trying to talk to them, but they both look guilty and upset.

“Please don’t be too mad at Jihoon and Soon.” Seungcheol blurts, noticing Joshua looking at them.

“Yeah right. I should beat both their asses.” Jeonghan is still heated.

“Hannie,” Seungcheol reaches out and grabs his hand. “Seriously. They were just trying to have fun with all of us. They didn’t know I’d react this badly. They weren’t trying to hurt us on purpose. They obviously feel bad. Don’t make them feel worse.”

Jeonghan lets out a long breath, hugging Seungcheol’s head.

“You’re too nice.” He mumbles. Seungcheol manages a weak smile.

When Seungcheol and Chan feel okay to get up, they rejoin the rest of the group and continue through the park. Jihoon and Soonyoung approach the two of them and Joshua and Jeonghan walk ahead to give them space. It’s clear Jihoon and Soonyoung are forgiven when Soonyoung races ahead of everyone with a laughing Chan riding on his back. Joshua peeks over his shoulder and sees Jihoon and Seungcheol talking to each other, both with a smile on their face. He feels himself relax. Everything is okay now.

***

A few hours later, things are completely back to normal. Seungcheol is his cheerful self, Chan is back to being happy, and nobody is angry at each other. At least, he thinks so. He thinks Jeonghan might still be holding a grudge, but he’s doing a good job of not showing it.

“I’m gonna sit this one out.” Joshua says to no one in particular as they approach one of the last roller coasters of the day. He follows Chan and Seungcheol to a nearby bench. The line for the coaster looks long, so it seems they’ll be sitting for a while.

“I’m gonna run to the restroom. I’ll be back.” Chan tells them, sprinting off. They watch him go for a moment.

“Feeling better?" Joshua asks when they're completely alone. Seungcheol checks to make sure their friends are out of sight and pulls him in by the waist.

“I’m fine. Promise. But a kiss might make it even better.” He grins, dimples showing. Joshua snorts and rolls his eyes.

“Oh, would it?” He teases. He leans in and kisses Seungcheol sweetly, savoring the taste of his lips. It feels like years since they’ve kissed. When he pulls away, Seungcheol chases his lips, kissing him again. “You’re going to get us caught.” Joshua warns him. Seungcheol shushes him and goes for another smooch. Joshua melts into it.

They finally pull away and Seungcheol settles for laying his head on Joshua’s shoulder. He sighs contentedly and they people-watch in silence.

“Thank you, by the way.” Seungcheol says.

“For what?”

“Being there for me. While I was acting like a baby. You made it a lot better. I think if you hadn’t been there, I might have passed out. Or puked. Maybe both.” Seungcheol replies. Joshua smiles and kisses the top of his head for the second time that day.

“Anytime. What are boyfriends for?”

“Boyfriends…” Joshua can hear the grin in Seungcheol’s voice. “I like the sound of that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO SORRY I've been gone for so long! Lots of stuff has happened, including a pandemic and me moving houses, but I'm finally back to working on this fic! This chapter isn't my best, but I've had this little bit of the story stuck in my head for a while and I really wanted to write it. I promise the next chapter will be coming soon - a lot quicker than this one! If you have anything you'd really like to see added to this story or you have a request for an entirely different fic, message me on instagram (@penpallies) or twitter (@cowboycoups)!!! Also, I'm finally going back to proofread some of the earlier chapters again, sorry for all the errors!

**Author's Note:**

> Come talk to me on IG (penpallies) or twitter (sleepynonu)!


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